To hope I get pregnant even though my partner withdraws?

[JambalayaFan]

Me and my partner are in a bit of a strange situation. We own our own home, plenty of savings and a very happy stable relationship. He’d like to wait a couple of years to TTC as we are considering emigrating to where his family lives in 2 years, and the emigration process will obviously be more costly with a baby. I on the other hand would like to start trying ASAP as endometriosis/infertility runs in my family on both sides (several aunties never managed to get pregnant, I have loads of lovely adopted cousins). For this reason, I experience great anxiety about any sort of contraception as I so want to become a mother and don’t want to lower the chances when it may already be a struggle.

We have a great relationship and have no trouble discussing things, and we came to a deal. Our deal was that we won’t TTC yet until he is ready but we’ll do the withdrawal method. He accepts the high risk of pregnancy and agrees if it happens we’ll keep the baby. It may seem odd to many but for us it was a fair compromise. He isn’t quite ready to TTC yet but understands I may not have the biological clock that most women do and therefore I don’t want to mess around with my fertility. I know non-hormonal contraception exists, but it’s also about not wanting to miss chances to get pregnant. I haven’t pressured him into anything, he’s welcome to use condoms if he wants but he does know my feelings on the situation and we came to this solution together. I’m sure many reading this are judging but I promise, we have a very healthy relationship. This situation has come from a lot of discussion between me and my partner. It can’t be compared to a situation where woman lies about being on the pill to get pregnant. I was honest with my partner about wanting a baby.

anyway, the reason I am posting is I am curious if anybody has gotten pregnant from the withdrawal method? If so, did he pull out last minute (so he came as soon as he pulled out and didn’t have to touch himself)? Or is he ejaculating with plenty of time to spare? Me and my partner are doing the first one. Feeling a bit disheartened because a few friends and my mother have told me they did pull-out successfully for years, which isn’t good to hear when I’m wanting it to fail!

Are you learning the language OP of the country you want to move to?

If you have a child there certainly important to be able to communicate. Creche, doctor/hospitals, school etc.

I had a baby in my husbands home country, it was harder than I thought and it was no hassle to emigrate with the child when we moved countries later. Do you speak the language, what are the maternity provisions and support you would have there? I’d think these things through too

Yes we’ve both learnt to a conversational level and intend to keep learning

We successfully used withdrawal method for a few years. No accidental pregnancies as yet. My OH does have DE though, so he can pull out pretty reliably. I've read that withdrawal is quite reliable, so long as it's used correctly. Obviously if people don't bother using it once or twice, it isn't effective, same as if a condom splits or you forget to take your pill.

I think the bigger issue is that you don't seem to be happy waiting, which I would say is fair enough, in the circumstances. Can I ask how old you are? I had undiagnosed endometriosis, started ttc at 28, and it really wasn't an easy journey (possibly also why withdrawal worked for us). On a side note, ultra-low sugar and carbs reversed my endometriosis. I really would recommend if you are planning to ttc intge next few years, and also just for your own health and comfort x

Good to hear OP.

Yeah sorry, DH & I used the withdrawal method successfully for years, no accidents. The only way you'll fall pregnant in all likelihood is if he doesn't pull out

He wants a child and tells me he feels the same urges to have a baby that I do.
though he says logically he’d like to settle in the new country before officially TTC. He knows I’d like one earlier and he’ll enjoy it if it happens so we agreed to swerve contraception and do withdrawal until we either get pregnant or start TTC officially after moving. Part of the reason he wants to wait before doing it officially is because if we struggle with TTC and need to go down the fertility treatment route it will be made awkward by impending emigration plans.

So I stand by what I said.

He doesn't want a child right now, but he's thinking with his dick because he prefers sex without a condom 🤷‍♀️

Therefore, if sex ends in a pregnancy, he may be nowhere near as happy as you think he might.

Jesus wept, think you’re projecting other people me experiences here. We used condoms for bloody years without a single complaint!

Or he might WANT a baby, but no that really it makes more sense to wait the 2 years for all the reasons Op mentioned. So instead he’s hedging his bets.

You can also get tested for your ovarian reserve, to see statistically how many fertile years you are likely to have left. Sadly, mine is very low for my age, due to damage by endometriosis on my ovaries. Might also be something to consider, to help you make informed choices.

So why isn't he using them now, if he doesn't want you to get pregnant yet?

Can you think of a single other reason apart from sex feeling better without one?

I do admit I sort of want a spontaneous “whoops” pregnancy because I’m terrified that it won’t happen when we actually do TTC with all the bells and whistles on (cycle tracking, supplements etc) and then I’ll have to face the traumatic infertility path that so many of my close relatives did. If we have a whoopsie I get to swerve that. I confide in my partner about this and he’s been understanding and lovely, he really hears me out.

Because, as I’ve said a dozen times, he’d quite like a baby too!

God this is painful.

But according to you he doesn't want a baby now.

Yet, he's choosing to have sex without condoms now.

So why is that, if it isn't about enjoying sex more without them?

I feel like I'm typing in a different language here 🤦‍♀️

I don’t think teenagers are particularly interested in Mumsnet, love.

Yeah it’s not OP here that’s the problem - it’s you. He’d like a baby but is trying to be sensible about immigration. What is wrong with you that you can’t understand that as an option?

I think your priority should be getting to the bottom of whether you have endometriosis and if you need a laparoscopy. I had one in 2020, they said my best chance of conceiving was after my surgery. Do you have symptoms of endo and I know you didn’t want to answer how old you are but I think if you want proper advice it’s quite important. If you’re 22 I think the advice would be very different to 35.

I think you need to have a conversation about your fertility and if you both want a child then you need to be trying to have one sooner rather than later if it’s going to be harder to conceive. I personally think your way seems strange - surely if you both want a child now you’re trying and if you don’t then you’re not? I don’t think you can be on different pages about this.

Also, you said emigrating in two years, could you move sooner if that’s slowing things down?

I think you need to question why you are posting this. If you say that he has accepted there is a high risk of you getting pregnant and would be fine if you did, and you say that you hope you do - so why are you posting if you think all will be ok? Are you wanting validation? Do you think he may change his mind, are you in two minds? No judgement either way, I've made many mistakes in my life, but just curious as to why you need to discuss this, if all is good. You don't have to answer this by the way, I just think it's a question you need to ask yourself, particularly if you plan to relocate to another country where his family are. You say you are close to your mum, does relocating make you vulnerable?

Personally, I think it feels like you are doubting the situation you are in, listen to those doubts, and mitigate accordingly.

I think you both need to be honest, with yourselves and each other. About babies, marriage and where you want to live.

Because it's all very well blowing where the wind takes you, but if the wind takes you to having a child, in another country, who will then be a national of that country, and who has a father and extended family in that country, who you are not married to, then your life will quickly become constrained in all sorts of ways for a very long time.

Of course I understand it?!

What is wrong with YOU/the OP that you can't understand that if he doesn't want a pregnancy now, he should be wearing condoms until he does want one?

I used the withdrawal method for YEARS without getting pregnant and then with both our dc, we fell pregnant on the first try.
We're super fertile but the withdrawal method did work.
I'm not going to lie, your situation sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I think there’s no point talking to you, your ability to understand other people is clearly lacking on this thread.

What are you basing this on? When done properly, withdrawal is 96% effective (per woman, per year), vs condoms for example, which are 98%. I think it's just that people are more likely to not bother forget if they get drunk for example, whereas the coil / implant is harder to forget. OP says her partner is consistent.

Unfair to get OPs hopes up, unless there are some other statistics I'm unaware of?