If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

[CautionConcealedEntrance]

Just that, really.

If your children’s Grandparents were unwilling to help with your DC, how do you feel about helping them in their dotage?

My own Parents made it absolutely clear that they had no intention or desire to even spend any time nor took any interest in my DC. Never sent presents, never remembered birthdays, on the few occasions they spoke it was always in an age inappropriate manner - using baby talk to the 6 year old e.g. As for my In-Laws, even though they were really quite elderly and unwell at times when my DC were little, they always took a huge interest in them, always making sure the books and toys they sent were age appropriate and looked after them when possible.
Now the in laws are extremely infirm and elderly, it has been an honour to be able to help them. My parents…? They get phone calls and very rare visits (they live in another country and are struggling over there). They are turning on the pathos, constantly complaining about feeling abandoned and always asking for help. I’ve not volunteered to help out, except for a couple of admin things. But that’s it.

Am I a monster for thinking like this?

You read ops parents putting her in care then mostly to boarding school as loving doting parents ….

I think it depends on the overall dynamic. My parents don’t help a lot with childcare, save for the odd spot of babysitting once or twice a year.

But they are a constant source of support in all other ways for me and my family, they come on holidays with us, I pop round regularly for a cuppa and they always feed me!! As and when they need my help I’ll gladly give it because they’re great parents / grandparents.

It rather depends why she was in care doesn't it? If it was neglect, then certainly not, but if its due to ill health etc then that is a different matter. I can't see whether she was raised here or in a different country.

I mean she had two parents not just one. I wouldn’t put my child in care because my husband was sick. My child would come first.

Hi it's lovely to read your story, thank you for sharing with us.

This is all about your unresolved anger, for your own psychological wellbeing lay it aside, if you can afford to help them, then help them, be the better person.

Good luck with your continuing journey.

I absolutely feel the same as you. My parents, particularly my Mother, have never shown interest in my children and it has broken my heart at times wishing for a real grandparent/grandchild relationship for them. When the time comes, I will not be willing to act in the way someone with a close family relationship would for their benefit when they wouldn’t for my children’s benefit.
They also didn’t do very much for my Grandfather at the end of his life and he was an amazing man and a fantastic grandparent. They can’t expect to be treated so much better by their children than they treated him is my logic .

Absolutely yes. As a very natural thing to do, for both my parents when they needed me, moreso at the end of their lives. Never did I consider what either had done or not done 'for me' previously

Both times I did so came with critique and costs but I care little about that as the most important thing is I did all that I could and rest easy because of it.

And without more information, you don't know either way, but ultimately, if she doesn't feel able to look after her parents (and not everyone can), then she needs to be honest about it. Realistically given they are in a different country, the options are limited.

This is a bizarre attitude… they raised you! Why should they be responsible for your children as well?

Have you RTFT or even just the OP?

To be fair @CelesteCunningham OP did a spectacular drip feed.

I don't expect my parents to provide regular childcare but I'd be heartbroken if they had no interest in my children at all. It would be enough to drive a wedge between us.

I think even the OP painted a pretty clear picture though. The title is about childcare, but the OP is about her parents taking zero interest in her children. That alone would be hurtful enough to damage the relationship.

If you dont want to help - which you clearly dont, just dont!

Depends.what do you mean by childcare really. My parents would never do the day to day childcare. However they are very involved grandparents and they still are to my now teenage boys. They took the boys out for days outs and sleepovers took care of them when I was ill and babysat so we could have date nights etc. But they never did the day to day childcare preferring to do the fun stuff rather than be tied down in their retirement. And my 16 year old now chooses to catch the bus to visit them whilst I'm at work. My 18 year old also loves visiting them. And they in turn love having them. Buy I'm not sure how any of this can be linked to caring for them in old age

This tit for tat, they raised you so you owe them thing... is bullshit.

They chose to have kids. Raising those kids is therefore their responsibility and duty.

The question is, have they taken an interest in your lives in general, since you became adults.

Have they offered advice and support in whatever way they're capable of - not necessarily providing physical childcare?

If they have basically washed their hands of you since you became an adult, have shown no interest in your adult life and all that entails, not offered a scrap of support in any way...

Then yeah, fuck 'em, too late now to play the needy elderly card.

If they HAVE offered support and advice and interest in every area BUT their DGC... possibly a different matter. Doesn't sound like they have though.

YANBU. They virtually rejected your children. Sod them.

It's about investment in the family really, imo.

It doesn't have to be childcare. But it seems like the OPs parents aren't invested, they just want help on their terms.

I think there is oligation to some extent even when ageing parents are dicks. But if they haven't been really bothered to maintain a relationship, they should expect that to be reflected in the kind of assistance they receive.

I read the OP, I confess I didn’t read the updates..

That wasn’t her question though?
her Aibu was about helping with childcare of GC as a trade for elderly care!!

anywaus I shall now read the updates/ drip 😆

As parents we are obliged to meet our children's needs, they did not ask to be born

Ugh I hate this attitude.

Can I ask when is it that grandparents get to live their own lives whilst they have the health to be able to do so without incurring the wrath of their children who believe their parents should be doing whatever it is they need them to do to prove they are interested in their lives and those of their grandchildren?

I haven't read the full thread but I agree with you, you're not obligated just like they aren't/weren't obligated to spend time with your children. It's bloody horrible though I couldn't imagine my parents not wanting to be involved with my kids.

Why?

My own DM died having met only 2 of her grandchildren - and then they were toddlers/babies but even when she was having treatment for cancer she tried to help me with them! My IL’s were 10 years older and also helped us a lot - now we only have my MIL left in her late 80’s but I’ve definitely seen that the care they gave their grandchildren came back to them. Now the grandchildren are adults they phone her, taught her how to FaceTime, she’s on the family WhatsApp and they go and stay with her. So I do think that what you build as a relationship when they are small, you enjoy later - I always smile to think of days out they used to take the children to, now the children are driving my MIL places!