If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

[CautionConcealedEntrance]

Just that, really.

If your children’s Grandparents were unwilling to help with your DC, how do you feel about helping them in their dotage?

My own Parents made it absolutely clear that they had no intention or desire to even spend any time nor took any interest in my DC. Never sent presents, never remembered birthdays, on the few occasions they spoke it was always in an age inappropriate manner - using baby talk to the 6 year old e.g. As for my In-Laws, even though they were really quite elderly and unwell at times when my DC were little, they always took a huge interest in them, always making sure the books and toys they sent were age appropriate and looked after them when possible.
Now the in laws are extremely infirm and elderly, it has been an honour to be able to help them. My parents…? They get phone calls and very rare visits (they live in another country and are struggling over there). They are turning on the pathos, constantly complaining about feeling abandoned and always asking for help. I’ve not volunteered to help out, except for a couple of admin things. But that’s it.

Am I a monster for thinking like this?

Ah, here we go with the ageism. OP's parents are selfish. Not all boomer parents are..Mine weren't.

Totally get this blibby

I had a major operation and a cancer scare about 16 years ago and was in hospital for about 6 days.
My parents (healthy, retired and in their sixties almost the same age as me now) didn't come to see me until I rang them from hospital to see if they were coming.
They live about 3 miles from the hospital and both drive.
Yet now my mother is not so well she complains that people didn't come to see her in hospital.
I went twice a day despite teaching full time.
I am so sick of this narrative now.
This is just one of hundreds of examples I could give of a complete lack of care,
When your children are grown up they are still your children.
There are many books on how poor the silent generation and older boomers were as parents.
People need to get some boundaries and not be guilted into providing care at the expense of their own family and sanity.

Well we will have to see if the millennial parents do any better, won't we? There are many books on how feckless they are too. Should we tar a generation though? I am not a boomer btw. I am a Gen X.

People can of course have boundaries. As I plan to.

Do you have any specific book recommendations? It might help me. I feel really angry at how bad parents my mum and dad were. Now they are 80 and frail, I cannot forgive them. They were ‘not abusive’ enough to disown as parents, and I would be ostracised by our enormous extended family if I was not a dutiful daughter now.

I agree with this.

Whether they were good parents would have more bearing on this for me. That's the most important bit. The time when you were a kid and dependent on them.

It would entirely depend if they had been good parents.

I think parents are solely responsible for looking after their kids, it's what we have to do. When it comes to elderly care and grandchildren etc, personally I see the two as adult family members helping out other adult family members. Childcare is not owed, but it helps out the parents (ignoring the relationship with the grandchildren). Elderly care is the same, helping out the adults. Neither is owed, but I struggle to see how it's fair for the older generation to expect other adults support when they were unwilling to provide the same occasionally. Let's not forget that the odd bit of babysitting is very different to elderly care which can be pretty relentless and a moving landscape.

In principle, I agree you have a choice not to help. In practice, the element of 'choice' can be non-existent given the broken systems we have. Choices often are limited to watch them fail catastrophically with huge repercussions not just for them but for all those around them or step in and help. Path of least resistance is often the best approach.

I hear you Blibby
I am listening to 'The deepest well' by Dr Nadine Burke Harris on audible atm.
There are lots of TikTok creators who talk about this topic also such as Dr T Psychologist (look up generational trauma)
I like the look of 'It didn't start with you' by Mark Wolynn too.
I have found seeing a therapist the most helpful as they are objective.
I only have one sister who is the golden child so it's important to get an outside view.
Have a look at the idea of 'dishonest harmony' too. That was very revealing to me.

It's not about childcare, it's about family. It is harder to feel close to, and responsible for, family who live a logn way distant and don't try to get involved. They could have been involved in your family life without having to offer childcare but it sounds as if they were not and have chosen to live abroad (I may feel different if you moved away from your home country and left them there).

Either way you don't owe your parents care in their elder years and your kids don't owe you care either.

I was going to say something else, but fuck it, don’t bother and don’t feel guilty. Any parents find parenting a chore, we just crack on with a rictus grin and try our best. Your parents did the best they could to avoid you.

Thanks so much 🙏 There will be long and tedious years ahead. I need to let go of some of this anger.

No problem

OP why did you make this post about your children, when if you’d said should I look after my parents who neglected me my whole childhood, the responses would have been different? I wouldn’t have expected much childcare from people who barely looked after their own child. Based on your update, they shouldn’t have any expectations of you.

I wouldn’t help in your position. I don’t expect to help my parents much but as a pp said that’s more because they weren’t great parents

You've described the situation as transactional, when it isn't. The issue is actually the lack of relationship or warmth between you, not them and your DC.

Based on how they raised you I’d just offer to stick them in a care homes. I definitely don’t think you’re a monster.

I agree with this; how can you withhold assistance? You had children; you look after them. If your parents didn't look after you, that's a different matter.

Depends on their reason for lack of interest in the grand kids. My dad had no interest really in my kids. He saw them when I visited. But he was diagnosed with mental health problems when I was a teen and had lived alone since I was in my twenties. However when we was starting to struggle to get about and do things I did go and help him, took home to appointments, sorted his shopping etc. why wouldn’t I?

DH's parents have always shown very little interest in our DC, just as they show little interest in him. They have favoured his DSis her whole life, and this has extended to them favouring her DC.

I don't think GP's should ever feel obliged to babysit so its not about that. But if I'm honest the fact that they have chosen to be involved and present GP's to SIL's kids and not ours will make me less inclined to go out of my way to help when they are old and infirm. Maybe it's horribly petty, but part of me thinks why shouldn't SIL and BIL shoulder more of that responsibility since they've benefited from years of emotional, practical and financial support from PIL? I'm not proud of it but that's how I feel.

I secretly wonder if it’s the worst parents who ask the most for their old age.

I was also the sibling who had no help with childcare and no financial help. In contrast to my sister, who had a substantial trickle of both from the age of 18.
Parents fell ill and it was me who stepped up. And you know it what? I didn't begrudge it. I see my sister's over reliance on them over the years as weakness, and my independence as strength. I'm glad I was there for them. Obviously not a popular opinion on this thread tho!

I totally understand you OP l suppose that due to your neglected childhood you are not close to your DP and since they have made little effort with your DC why should you put yourself out for them

So them raising you as a child and loving you doesn't give you reason to help...if feasible given they are in a different country? Lots of parents want to give their kids the best and provide a private education but are not able to.

Not all Grandparents can give help with grandkids, mine are 200 miles away ...not really getting your rationale here.

If you just don't want to help, be honest but expect to have to explain why which will be a difficult conversation.