If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

[CautionConcealedEntrance]

Just that, really.

If your children’s Grandparents were unwilling to help with your DC, how do you feel about helping them in their dotage?

My own Parents made it absolutely clear that they had no intention or desire to even spend any time nor took any interest in my DC. Never sent presents, never remembered birthdays, on the few occasions they spoke it was always in an age inappropriate manner - using baby talk to the 6 year old e.g. As for my In-Laws, even though they were really quite elderly and unwell at times when my DC were little, they always took a huge interest in them, always making sure the books and toys they sent were age appropriate and looked after them when possible.
Now the in laws are extremely infirm and elderly, it has been an honour to be able to help them. My parents…? They get phone calls and very rare visits (they live in another country and are struggling over there). They are turning on the pathos, constantly complaining about feeling abandoned and always asking for help. I’ve not volunteered to help out, except for a couple of admin things. But that’s it.

Am I a monster for thinking like this?

I dont regret having DC. I just don't want to provide childcare for their DC, unless in case of emergency or illness. I am happy to go into assisted living. I can afford it.

I have a sort of similar situation in that my parents- well mum in particular and dad follows her- has never been interested in having a close relationship with me, eg we've never been out shopping or for coffee together, never any trips etc. They do show an interest in my children and have looked after them quite a lot but I know my dad would have done more than that if my mum had been up for it. My mum is not too well now and sometimes in her emails - doesnt like me calling and asks me to email if i call -says things like I know you are too busy to come and see me and I think you've set this situation up. What do you realistically want me to do now?! So I take the kids to see them and we have parties and birthday lunches for various members of the family- rarely for me! - and I've come to the conclusion that we weren't that close and that can continue throughout our lives. I've made my peace with it but am reluctant to get involved in any caring duties as it would feel awkwardly without the close relationship if that makes sense!

If you'll RTFT you'll see that they very much didn't. It's no wonder OP doesn't feel inclined to put herself out for them.

Big difference between being interested, giving birthday gifts etc and providing childcare - whether they are working or have other things they do, it's not grandparents responsibility to provide childcare except on an occasional basis

@CautionConcealedEntrance

I think your parental situation isn't a normal one btw - they definitely sound self absorbed.

Would you call foster care and boarding school from 6 caring for OP??

You reap what you sow.

If your parents did not nuture your relationship, then it should not be surprising to them if you do not feel close (esp as you are literally not close!).

It is not just about childcare is it though? I bet you still take an interest in your grandchildren and remember their birthdays.

The lack of empathy for the OP is palpable. Not everyone has the same relationship with their parents, not all parents are loving or supportive.

The OPs parents outsourced her care as they put her into boarding schools. If my parents did this, I would feel unloved and detatched from them. Also, the OP was in foster care before boarding school!

The OPs parents have not built any meaningful relationship with their grandchildren.

If the OPs parents could afford boarding school, I am sure they have money for their own care.

The OPs parents were abusive. I think a few of us have said that. Or it may have got lost because she didn't put it in her first post.

@CautionConcealedEntrance - In answer to your question as it is written, without the further information, YABVVU. It's not and shouldn't be a tit-for-tat response to them not watching your children. GP's are not obliged ever to watch their grandchildren on a regular basis. Living abroad may not the easiest way to make and maintain relationships with Grandchildren either

However, you have then given the explanation that you don't want to help your parents, much/at all because they haven't had any interest in your children/have forgotten Birthday's etc, but you haven't mentioned what your OWN relationship is like with them. Were they good parents when you were young? Is the only reason that you don't want to help, related to their disinterest in your children? Or have you never had a good relationship with either of them? If it is actually the latter then it is very understandable and YANBU

You are not a Monster though, whatever

But I don't see elderly people expecting to be helped @Edingril

There are many, many parents who DO expect and demand that their Adult Children help when they get older. My Mother was looking for reassurance that I would look after her when she was old and asked this frequently from when I was about 9 or 10! She was a very difficult and selfish lady all her life

the OP was in foster care from ages 2-4 and in boarding sch from age 6-14 and she left home at 17. This is in her follow up post.

Given this, I don't think her parents gave her much, if any, care.

I don't disagree - Abuse isn't the word that is right for my upbringing. Benign neglect and intensely self-absorbed parents, yes. Sending a child to boarding school isn't abuse! But it was clearly a way to try and outsource the drudgery of parenthood. As an adult I have built my own support networks and have a very close relationship with my ILs and siblings. It's just the parents that are now towards the end of their life, they are starting to run out of money (they were really rather wealthy when I was a child) and are needing a lot of input due to declining cognitive and phsyical abilities.

The fact that they live abroad is neither here nor there - I would have no trouble popping over to help out even quite frequently. The issue is - I don't want to. Yet the guilt trips keep coming...

I helped my dm, of course. She had a tough life putting up with my dad, she was neglectful of me and my siblings, but I wanted her to have some good years to herself.

I didn't expect her to help with DS, even though I'm a single mum. We didn't have that sort of transactional relationship.

You mentioned foster care, followed almost immediately by boarding school. Whilst your parents were not physically abusing you, they were neglecting your emotional needs, which many would argue is pyschological abuse.

I simply can't imagine sending my own children away to boarding school, esp from such a young age. If I was rich and wanted help, I would hire a housekeeper/cook etc.

...and I would say you don't want to go out and see them as you feel no emotional attachment to them... which is of their own making.

Do not feel guilty.

No im not joking. I didnt mention my childhood but my parents moved to the other end of the country when i was 15 and doing my GCSE's. I used to go to a friends house and scrounge food. I didnt mention that because the thread is about GP involvement in GC lives. As i said, you get back what you put in. If you want to be taken care of when your old and struggling then put the effort in to be a parent or grandparent. It doesnt just come automatically.

Thanks for your input

Being a parent and a child is not generally a transactional relationship. It's about love and care (if that's appropriate) although sometimes it's about neglect and abuse. Choose your relationship. If you don't care about them, then don't support them but if it's purely that you didn't get childcare when you wanted it (and bear in mind that they already provided care by raising you when you were a child) then perhaps that's a bit unfair.

To all the posters who keep going on about 'well they raised you, didn't they?'.
As parents we are obliged to meet our children's needs, they did not ask to be born. There is a choice however to be supportive (whether hands on or just emotionally) once your child is no longer a child themselves...which if not given freely, is unlikely to be returned when in needy old age.

My parents lived a wonderful life, totally self absorbed in their own needs and wants - were always uninterested in building close relationships with me or my children. Yet now they are old, frail, less wealthy, failing cognitive abilities...they are suddenly discovering that maybe it would nice to able to lean on their children. Erm... I think not!

Well you are pleased they gave you life, aren't you?

I think that keeping an eye on your parents from afar is acceptable eg. checking in weekly or daily on a call, as long as the parent knows you would try and go in person in emergencies. There is technology now, cctv and tablets.

You can put local carers in place, even a cleaner abroad can go in daily and keep an eye on things and report back.

People who expect dc to be part time or full carers these days are delusional. Dc have their own lives.

I will drop everything in an emergency, like a fall and sort out the situation I will also visit and call socially when I can, but that’s it.

I will do this stuff for my parents and it will be purely out of guilt. I am not bothered that they weren’t around for much childcare. It is more about their general relationship with me and their judgmental, critical and cold personalities.

I will hold a grudge about my awful childhood until the rest of their and my days. I will do what I have to do when they are older, but it will be the bare minimum and out of a sense of obligation.

I think it’s tough to care for older parents when you actually don’t like them much and they have not shown you care, interest or affection. I am sure that is what the OP is about. Not just babysitting.

I agree. As I said in my post, I will do some of what I need to but I will definitely not go above and beyond.

In a way, I feel angry now more than ever about my awful childhood and how sad I was and how they did not care. It sounds almost psychopathic but inside I kind of feel I have some power at last in our relationship now that they are in their 80s and frail. I hate how scared I was for the first 30 years of my life around them.

I feel millenials have had it tough with boomer parents who are frankly, quite a selfish generation who have taken a huge step back with their grandkids.

I suspect, there be more adults not willing to take on the full time carer role and will seek outside support. I feel this is positive! no one should be burnt out as a carer to their parent.