AIBU to think that not all affair relationships actually end that quickly?

[Angela101x]

Wondering what other fellow mums-netters opinions are on whether all relationships that start from affairs actually do end up working out in the long run?

My exH left me & my DD some 5 years ago now, (albeit he still sees DD) and got with a woman barely 4 months later. The same woman he was messaging who was 'just a friend' during the end of our then marriage of 11 years. He has never admitted having an affair and left me of his own 'free will' apparently as he hadn't been happy for years 🙄. This affair woman was also married at the time of their 'friendship' and she split with her exH very rapidly too after exH left me. They moved in together ASAP and have been together ever since. They bought a house, got married last year and it feels like I'm just waiting on the news that she will be pregnant anytime soon.

All the people around me at the time of our split said 'oh she is just a rebound', 'it will never last', 'you will be laughing at him down the line when his life has gone to shit', 'you're better off without him', 'don't take him back when he asks (which he will' they said.....blah blah blah. All the usual spiel your friends & family tell you at the time to try & make you feel better. And tbh it did and I believed them. However time has gone on and obviously this didn't happen and their life seems perfect, madly in love, DD loves going over and I'm just left picking up the pieces. It makes it all the more harder to deal with. I've had 3 failed relationships and miss the life I had. It makes me cross that I was given this spiel back then as I felt like that it held me back moving on and each year that goes by that they're still seemingly happily together & it knocks me back again.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I guess to hear other people's opinions on if affair partners really end up working out in the long-run? It's what you hear all the time on mumsnet how men give 'the speech' about not being happy as a justification to cheat and leave and then come crawling back....but only the former has happened to me....

Not really an AIBU but:
YABU - Yes they can work out
YANBU - No they can't

well clearly not “all”

your ex and OW an example

Of course not all relationships starting with an affair end quickly. It’s not what people want to hear but sometimes they are more suited to each other and end up in a long happy relationship.
Not every adulterer has a big karma moment. It is what it is.

I know a couple who were both married when they began a friendship, eventually they both realised that by being able to develop feelings for each other it meant their respective relationships were lacking and unhappy. They both divorced and eventually got together, no cheating as such but obviously in a way the other party was part of the catalyst that lead to the two marriages breaking down.
15 years later they are still married and incredibly happy together. It’s not always a clear right or wrong situation.

you wanted to get back with him?

Yes , My partner of 8 years had an emotional affair for someone who worked for us He finished with me 2 weeks ago Now I learn they are already having sex and Im hoping , she turns out to be horrible. As she's poached my partner from me right under my nose.

DH's dad and stepmum have been together nearly 30 years. They were both having an affair when they got together. My dad and stepmum have been together 35 years, my dad had an affair with her. DH and I met at work while he was with someone. He didn't have an affair not even emotionally, we got together five months after they split up but I was "the rebound". We've been together almost 14 years. Sorry OP, but sometimes these things are meant or not meant to be.

My mum was the OW. She and my dad were married for more than 30 years, until his death. I hate to think that without infidelity, I wouldn’t exist, but it’s true.

She didn’t poach your partner, he has free will of his own.

Surely surely you can see how unfair your view is

My exh had an affair which didnt last long but I worked with someone who had an affair with a coworker and they marrried and have been married for 25 years at least. Goes both ways!

"Only 5 to 7% of affair relationships lead to marriage and of those, approximately 75% end in divorce. So if we assume only 25% of the initial 7% last, this means that less than 2% turn into long-lasting marriages."

https://drkathynickerson.com/blogs/relationship/can-a-relationship-that-started-as-an-affair-work#:~:text=Only%205%20to%207%25%20of,turn%20into%20long%2Dlasting%20marriages.

The thing is that cheaters don't reform. In fact, they only get worse in their next relationship.

"The research suggests that if a person has cheated in their first relationship, they are three times more likely to cheat again."

https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/4-red-flags-he-will-cheat-again/#:~:text=According%20to%20research%2C%20the%20chances,more%20likely%20to%20cheat%20again.

So the odds of this working out long term are very slim. Even if they stay together, the relationship will be fraught with drama from his cheating. They'll get what they deserve. In fact, they're already getting it. They have to live with their own emptiness and soullessness. Don't buy into what you see on the surface. True happiness is not possible for vacant people. They only feel pleasure, but what pleases them eventually bores them.

I've been married for 25 years to my affair partner.
Was it right to have an affair? No
Was it right to marry first time round when I was having doubts? Also no.
I was young and felt I would have let everyone down if I called it off.
Ex remarried and had kids and is still married AFAIK.

But they weren't cheaters, so this example has nothing to do with relationships which start as affairs, the vast majority of which are doomed, according to the statistics.

@XChrome Even if they stay together, the relationship will be fraught with drama from his cheating. They'll get what they deserve. In fact, they're already getting it. They have to live with their own emptiness and soullessness. Don't buy into what you see on the surface. True happiness is not possible for vacant people. They only feel pleasure, but what pleases them eventually bores them.

Keep telling yourself that but the truth is cheaters can live perfectly happy lives. Obsessing over whether someone who wronged you has an empty, soulless and unhappy life just brings more bitterness to you, it doesn’t make you happier.

Yes it can work out.

I wouldn’t want to put my trust in someone who was originally an affair partner though 🤷‍♀️

But I guess he did the same as her so - they must be on the same page.

Sorry OP. I mistakenly voted YABU. YANBU. You're right to think it's unlikely to work out.

I'm sorry that's happened .... but nobody can be 'poached' if they don't want to be.

I agree with this. Sometimes it does work out.

This is very painful op and you deserve better. So I’m glad it happened now and you have a chance to find your own happiness.

I mean, what does ‘working out’ mean? Staying together? Is that the same thing? I voted YANBU because I firmly believe people who cheat are people of poor character who are statistically likely to cheat again (9/10 cheaters will reoffend in either the same relationship or a different relationship). Anyone on the outside will never know if that person is cheating again. My father has been with his affair partner for 25yrs. Have they stayed together? Yes. Has he likely cheated again in that relationship? Yep.

@XChrome what on earth makes you conclude that from the OP?

My partner and I have been together almost 16 years.
He cheated on his wife and I cheated on my husband. We both separated from our spouses and got divorced and we've been together ever since.
My ex husband remarried and had more children and my partner's ex wife remains single and bitter and full of hatred

You aren't wrong for feeling the way you feel OP and I think it's terrible when someone leaves / has an affair and then refuses to give you the peace of mind you need by constantly lying about it but it's done. You are through the worst of it and yes they probably will have children together if she is young enough to have children and if you have ever read the step parent threads on MN you will know the honeymoon period for both your ex and your daughter will most likely come to an end at that point: she will need you to be strong and stable more than ever if / when that happens. They say it takes half the amount of time of the relationship to "get over it" so give yourself the rest of this year to focus on you. Forget dating. Socialise, spend some money on yourself, go for a holiday, get some therapy - find some peace and in 2025 you will be half way and if you fancy meeting someone new give it a try then. The best 'revenge' if I can call it that is to move on and be happy. Don't let your past determine your future: you have been given the gift of starting over - grab it with both hands.

My ex is still with the OW 12 ish years on from when our marriage ended (although there were a few bumpy years, lockdown seemed to cement their relationship). They were together approx 2 years before I found out.

So it can happen. I think you have to assume they will stay together and then you can allow yourself a moment of schadenfreude if it eventually goes to shit. If you wait around for the ending of their relationship, it'll just delay you moving on with your life and being happy.

Try and be sort of pleased that your DD is happy to go there. It doesn't take away from her love of you. I've been through DS not particularly enjoying going to his Dad's and that was so much harder and made MY time with DS a struggle due to him struggling to process things emotionally when he got home (of course he was the easiest child for his Dad all along). I get it though, I still have to grit my teeth when DS goes on about what a good cook stepmum is!

Look at the statistics I posted. That's where my conclusion comes from. The odds are massively stacked against it.

well carrie and boris are still together and have had 3 children. We dunno if they will stay together but she portrays an idyllic life on instagram

If I was the betting sort, I wouldn't bet on their relationship and Carrie/Boris have been together longer than this woman and your ex

I think there is 3 options tbh.

It either ends fast when it’s not longer a sexy secret.

It actually was the finding of two “soul mates”

They stay together sad because they can’t possibly show they they blew up two families for basically a quick shag so they live sadly ever after.