AIBU to think that not all affair relationships actually end that quickly?

[Angela101x]

Wondering what other fellow mums-netters opinions are on whether all relationships that start from affairs actually do end up working out in the long run?

My exH left me & my DD some 5 years ago now, (albeit he still sees DD) and got with a woman barely 4 months later. The same woman he was messaging who was 'just a friend' during the end of our then marriage of 11 years. He has never admitted having an affair and left me of his own 'free will' apparently as he hadn't been happy for years 🙄. This affair woman was also married at the time of their 'friendship' and she split with her exH very rapidly too after exH left me. They moved in together ASAP and have been together ever since. They bought a house, got married last year and it feels like I'm just waiting on the news that she will be pregnant anytime soon.

All the people around me at the time of our split said 'oh she is just a rebound', 'it will never last', 'you will be laughing at him down the line when his life has gone to shit', 'you're better off without him', 'don't take him back when he asks (which he will' they said.....blah blah blah. All the usual spiel your friends & family tell you at the time to try & make you feel better. And tbh it did and I believed them. However time has gone on and obviously this didn't happen and their life seems perfect, madly in love, DD loves going over and I'm just left picking up the pieces. It makes it all the more harder to deal with. I've had 3 failed relationships and miss the life I had. It makes me cross that I was given this spiel back then as I felt like that it held me back moving on and each year that goes by that they're still seemingly happily together & it knocks me back again.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I guess to hear other people's opinions on if affair partners really end up working out in the long-run? It's what you hear all the time on mumsnet how men give 'the speech' about not being happy as a justification to cheat and leave and then come crawling back....but only the former has happened to me....

Not really an AIBU but:
YABU - Yes they can work out
YANBU - No they can't

that was a typo

and good to hear

impressive you manage to get on well with him
i don’t think i could

Am I missing something on the 'second marriages fail at a higher rate' thing.
My assumption is that less people go on to get married a second time than choose to do it the first time (maybe I'm wrong) anyway, so (just as the first marriage stats dont) For example, it makes sense that someone with children from their first marriage wouldn't want to complicate inheritance matters by getting married again. Or having been through the division of finances, housing etc, theyd want to keep things a little seperate in life.
it doesn't actually reflect the amount of relationship breakdowns, only marriages.

But I would also guess that having been through a divorce once, you know you can make it through one again - there's lots of people out there staying in marriages due to fear of the unknown, or financial reasons, or some misguided idea that you should put up with a shit relationship because of a legal document. People are less likely to put up with shit, knowing they will survive. so more likely to get divorced. Again. If we had stats on non marriage partnerships I'm sure we'd see the same type of trends? (If there is, please point me in that direction!)

also relationships fall apart for lots of reasons unrelated to 'cheating again' how about the fact that John was a lazy bastard in his first marriage and after an initial effort in his second he also never picked his socks up - it's not exactly a stretch to imagine that the reasons that may have contributed to a unhappy first marriage are present in the second, reasons that could be nothing to do with affairs!

It doesn't happen to everyone but I couldn't trust a cheater.

I know of someone who has been married 3 times and he has consistently cheated or tried to multiple times with all of them. His current wife is a bag of nerves. It must be miserable.

Yes, it was, but I'm okay now. I actually developed PTSD because he became so abusive, but I'm much better. During the affair, my dad also died horribly of a neuromuscular disorder. I had been caring for him and was there when he died. I asked ex to come home because I was all alone after just seeing my dad die. He chose to go drinking with his mistress instead, claimed he couldn't get away from work. This is just the tip of the iceberg of the awful things he did.
Thankfully I am out of all that. Have you heard enough horror? 😄 I can laugh at it now. I know that some people just suck and there's nothing to be done about it.

So? Why are you hounding her about it on a different thread?

Looking at it objectively he was unhappy and wanted to leave the relationship with you. Maybe he met her and that made him realise he wanted something else.

Marriage is an oath, but can a person not leave if they decide they are not happy anymore? I understand the heartbreak of someone choosing not to want you anymore, but I think it's incredibly naive to believe that someone cannot change their mind.

You say you miss the life you had- why can't you have the same life as a single person?

I think it was to try to prove I'm "bitter." Epic fail on that score. I guess a lot of people would be bitter and there's nothing wrong with that. That's only human. Why people try to use that as an insult is beyond me.

Thanks. I have one precious life and I choose not to spend it letting assholes affect my emotions. But as I said, I'm lucky to be okay financially and that I have no co-parenting to deal with.

My grandparent’s affair (and subsequent marriage) lasted over 40 years until my step grandparent died.

My own has lasted nearly 20 years so far.

But as PPs said, it depends on circumstances.

Of course people can leave, but they should do it ethically and kindly, not by monkey branching to some new person first.
That's cruel. They should also not make the divorce harder and should give their spouse a fair settlement voluntarily. That's how good people go about it.

Single life could suck if you have a big dip in your finances because your partner chose to betray you, and to have to deal with trying to co-parent with somebody who was so cruel to you. I would probably be angry in that situation, because it is an injustice. Who wouldn't be?

My parents were an affair, lasted for 40 years.

Think it depends, often people will have affairs with people based on solely sexual attraction, unlikely to last the distance.

Take no notice. Like you said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being bitter when you've been treated badly.

Although from your posts you don't come across that way at all (to me) xx

Hmm a close friend of mine had an affair with a married man. His wife divorced him for it. They have now been together 10 years.

I was married to AP for 27 years -together 32-much longer than he was with his first wife.
If my younger self would listen to me I would advise her not to marry him. Divorced now.

@Angela101x - I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I mean this kindly, it's been 5 years and it won't be helping your MH to still be hoping that their relationship fails. It may fail at some point, or it may not.

You are clearly still greatly upset and angry ( understandably) and think it would make you feel better if their relationship failed, and soon. But I think you need to actually get some therapy and work out how to let this go, because the person who is most being affected right now is yourself and I do think that maybe you will be a lot happier if you can get to the point of not caring or wanting revenge any more?

I do feel for you though

OP, you've just fallen foul of the stupid affair trope that some people like to spout in the misguided attempt to make the cheated on person feel better. You believe that stuff at your peril because it's really not true. It's lazy and ineffective chatting-shit and it would be better if people didn't say it at all.

You've been held back waiting for something to happen that never will, or if it does, you won't know about it. Don't waste any more time pondering on your past relationship. It was good while it lasted and then it wasn't - it doesn't detract from the fact that you were in this relationship - but you are doing yourself a disservice if you try to cleave to your ex and what he's getting up to. Leave it alone.

You deserve so much better. Go and get it. However long it takes, go and find new things that you can focus on and get enjoyment from. That is what you deserve, a new life with happiness. I really hope you get it.

not bitter but explains how tunnel visioned you are about how awful and inhuman people are who have affairs

If i had had your experience, I would probably have the same view

I don't think it is tunnel vision to think people who betray their supposed nearest and dearest in the most humiliating and painful of ways are shitty people. It's a terribly cruel thing to do. Many people feel the same way I do whether they have gone through it or not. Why would a good person ever do such a vile thing? I wouldn't dream of it, absolutely could not be that cruel, even to somebody I disliked, let alone lived with and raised children with. Lots of people feel that way. That level of callous disregard for somebody you once claimed to love is incomprehensible to many people.

I do think there are exceptions, such as when the cheated on spouse is abusive or has already cheated him/herself. Then they have already broken their vows, which makes them null and void. So I can't blame a person who cheats in that situation, and the one who is cheated on can't legitimately claim to have been treated unjustly.
But to do it to an innocent, caring life partner? Yuck!

Hope that clears it up for you.

I was the cheater. I’ve been married to my affair partner 20 years now. We brought up our 6 kids as a blended family and it worked for us somehow. We chose not to add any ‘joint’ kids to the mix. My divorce was finalised in the January. I got remarried in the February.

I maybe should have done things in a different order. Ie: ended my marriage before moving on.

However, my marriage at the time was a shit show. He’d cheated on me with my mother, when I was pregnant. I was scared of being alone so I clung on to him for dear life knowing he didn’t really want me. Then baby came, my hormones settled and I moved on in a horrible manner.

Good for you for finding happiness again!

Him (and your mother!!!) Sound like right dickheads.

Wtaf? Your mother? 🤯
In your case he had it coming. I'm glad you got out of that marriage.

My DM and DF met while she was married and he was engaged. They had an affair and subsequently married. Produced me! Then both had emotional affairs when I was 3-5. Then DF moved out. They divorced. He quickly married one of his emotional affairs. They are still married. DM is still single!

So I guess in my story it's 2 ended and 1 continued?

I still think marriage vows mean something though and my parents gave up too quickly - although it being an affair relationship perhaps doomed it from the start?

the key is I do think there are exceptions

I think affairs are shit. End your relationships first. But of course some of the new relationships work.