AIBU to think that not all affair relationships actually end that quickly?

[Angela101x]

Wondering what other fellow mums-netters opinions are on whether all relationships that start from affairs actually do end up working out in the long run?

My exH left me & my DD some 5 years ago now, (albeit he still sees DD) and got with a woman barely 4 months later. The same woman he was messaging who was 'just a friend' during the end of our then marriage of 11 years. He has never admitted having an affair and left me of his own 'free will' apparently as he hadn't been happy for years 🙄. This affair woman was also married at the time of their 'friendship' and she split with her exH very rapidly too after exH left me. They moved in together ASAP and have been together ever since. They bought a house, got married last year and it feels like I'm just waiting on the news that she will be pregnant anytime soon.

All the people around me at the time of our split said 'oh she is just a rebound', 'it will never last', 'you will be laughing at him down the line when his life has gone to shit', 'you're better off without him', 'don't take him back when he asks (which he will' they said.....blah blah blah. All the usual spiel your friends & family tell you at the time to try & make you feel better. And tbh it did and I believed them. However time has gone on and obviously this didn't happen and their life seems perfect, madly in love, DD loves going over and I'm just left picking up the pieces. It makes it all the more harder to deal with. I've had 3 failed relationships and miss the life I had. It makes me cross that I was given this spiel back then as I felt like that it held me back moving on and each year that goes by that they're still seemingly happily together & it knocks me back again.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I guess to hear other people's opinions on if affair partners really end up working out in the long-run? It's what you hear all the time on mumsnet how men give 'the speech' about not being happy as a justification to cheat and leave and then come crawling back....but only the former has happened to me....

Not really an AIBU but:
YABU - Yes they can work out
YANBU - No they can't

About you, maybe. Character assassination not a nice hobby.

I think that and have been solidly married to a decent man for nearly 40 years.
Genuinely decent people are like gold dust.

Oh, for God's sake, leave her alone. Her dislike of cheaters is perfectly OK. Your desire to paint her as bitter and twisted [she comes across as a strong survivor to me] is just nasty self justification out of which you do NOT come well..

totally moved on from that

yesterday

It sucks love.
My dad left my mum for a woman and they're still married 24 years later.
My first husband played me the script and then got with a friend a week later and they're still together 9 years on.
It does get easier, honestly. Focus on you and your life and try and let go of the resentment. Remember what you disliked about your hub and how OW will have to put up with that now. Sending hugs and prayers

Good point. I hadn’t looked it it that way, but I can see now how it could just extend the period of grieving.

@politicalintrigue yes, I'm in my late 40s. I referenced my parents' friends too and my parents are in their 70s. I also worked in the City for 15 years and I think perhaps the long hours and intense working relationships lend themselves to this.

• two relatives of mine
• four colleagues
• five of my parents' friends
• three of my friends

More than a dozen! And I am basing this on situations where they are still with the OW a decade later. Not all of them were immediately apparent as being an affair, sometimes that information came out later but was the catalyst. Actually, if I include parents of my friends, it's easily another half dozen more

I agree. I sympathise with anyone who has been treated so callously by someone they loved. They have the right to their anger. But I hope they can eventually move on to find happiness and feel nothing but indifference towards the person who hurt them.

Wow

these people around you must be pretty open with you / your parents (and then your parents tell you!) about what happens in their relationships / marriages

I'm confused. Are you referring to the first link I posted, because what you have there is coming up as not found? Yes, it was a clinical observation by a therapist.
The last link sourced and named the research they used. Just Google the titles.

Thank you. 🙂

The last link you posted has a reference to a scholarly article, which does not include or support any of the claims made.

A 'clinical observation' by a therapist obviously has exactly the same validity as someone saying "my aunt told me all the Welsh people she knows are really good at swimming".

I can't find a source that isn't paywalled and the links you posted came up as file not found. So I'll take your word for it rather than waste any more time.
What I don't understand is why 75% is hard for you to believe, when 67% of all second marriages fail.
It's not a stretch to think that the chances for a couple with a history of infidelity would be higher.

Somebody's aunt's personal observations about random shit have the same weight as a therapist's clinical findings in her field? That's not a good analogy. It's reductive.

You seem determined to fight against believing that people who get together by cheating might have a higher rate of divorce, which is strange to me because it only makes sense, but whatever.

You two are absolute bullies. Sickening.

@XChrome Just ignore them.

I think life and relationships are not black and white.

I was with exH for 21 years, married for 14. I never cheated and stayed through terrible emotional abuse and multiple instances of physical abuse.

Towards the end of our marriage I reconnected with an old high school boyfriend who I’d had a 3 week romance with in 1999 and we went out for dinner while both on business trips away from home. The attraction was instant, and if he had made a move on me I have to say I would have succumbed but as it was I was like a deer in the headlights, utterly terrified and even told him sternly he could not come and have a drink in the hotel bar where I was staying as it wouldn’t be appropriate. Meeting him really crystallised everything that was wrong with my marriage (not that I didn’t already know) and within a week of arriving home from that trip I ended my marriage.

I started a relationship with high school boyfriend 6 months later (we live in different countries) so there was zero physical overlap though the emotional connection we had was certainly a catalyst for me. DP was in a relationship at the time, and ended it, telling her he’d fallen in love with his high school gf who lived in another country. His ex certainly thinks we cheated and thinks he’s mad, which is understandable.

I know exH thinks I cheated - it absolves him from self examination for everything he did to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage. For my part I’m glad my conscience is clear for that one opportunity I did have to cheat with DP - I consider him the love of my life and I wanted to bring him in the metaphorical front door of my life. The whole situation has given me perspective though- I used to be so hardline and judgmental of cheaters (while living with an abusive and violent man! the irony) - you never know what goes on in others’ lives.

DP and I are so incredibly happy and I know we will grow old together. Neither of us have ever cheated before and I have no doubts at all about his faithfulness to me.

My dad and stepmum started as an affair and have been really happily married for 40 years so far.

They are a great match. Both much better off with each other than their first spouses.

My stepmum and I once talked about her first marriage (I was too young to really know her ex) and although that was the relationship that gave her all her children, it seemed fleeting and temporary in her description because it (only) lasted 11 years. A blink compared to her marriage and life with my dad.

I am sorry that your friends and family raised hopes of him regretting leaving. That was unfair of them. Sometimes people just realise they aren't married to the right person and so they leave and try again with someone else, who may or may not turn out to be a better spouse for them.

I would take people quoting 'statistics' of affairs turning into long term marriages as less than 2% with a VERY big pinch of salt. Especially when the link is to an American 'therapist' website.

The only reliable statistics on the issue would need to be taken from a generalised random population sample. By reputable statistical organisations such as the ONS
Certainly not from someone who will be seeing a skewed population sample.

In the absence of this the only way to gauge the normative behaviour is to look around your own friend and family.

In my experience, those prepared to give up their marriage, home life and often a lot of money/assets for another are pretty committed to each other for the long haul. Not in this position myself but in my immediate friendship group there are at least six long marriages born from affairs.

> You seem determined to fight against believing that people who get together by cheating might have a higher rate of divorce, which is strange to me because it only makes sense, but whatever.

No, I have never said that this isn't true. I have just pointed out that made up statistics, articles which refer to irrelevant studies, 'clinical observations', do not have any validity. These are all made up bits of information. You have interpreted my stance against this fake use of statistics as being pro-affair or whatever, for reasons of your own.

The real number might be higher, lower, or actually be the same. I have no idea. But quoting percentages as though they were scientifically determined, when in fact they're just someone expressing an opinion about what they think should be the case, is a complete waste of everyone's time.

My only other comment says that I doubt the 5-7% number for a specific reason. But I now think that that objection takes the statistic way too seriously.

It would be more helpful for us to express how we feel, for example that marriages built on hurting someone else can never be healthy, or that most affairs are initiated by serial cheaters, or that karma will punish people, or that everyone gets one chance to realise they're with the wrong person, or whatever it is, than to claim that there are well known statistical facts, and then end up defending them even though they're phony "because it only makes sense".

What did they say and who were they? I didn't get a chance to see them before they were deleted.
I can hold my own with bullies, but whoever reported them has my thanks.
I just would like to know who they are so I can ignore them in future.

Okay, I understand where you're coming from.

I can't even remember their usernames, long names that started with P. It was the 2 that kept coming after you on the thread. Pathetic.

I think I know who you mean. Thanks.🙂

well certainly from this thread alone it would seem that not “all” affair marriages end.