AIBU to think that not all affair relationships actually end that quickly?

[Angela101x]

Wondering what other fellow mums-netters opinions are on whether all relationships that start from affairs actually do end up working out in the long run?

My exH left me & my DD some 5 years ago now, (albeit he still sees DD) and got with a woman barely 4 months later. The same woman he was messaging who was 'just a friend' during the end of our then marriage of 11 years. He has never admitted having an affair and left me of his own 'free will' apparently as he hadn't been happy for years 🙄. This affair woman was also married at the time of their 'friendship' and she split with her exH very rapidly too after exH left me. They moved in together ASAP and have been together ever since. They bought a house, got married last year and it feels like I'm just waiting on the news that she will be pregnant anytime soon.

All the people around me at the time of our split said 'oh she is just a rebound', 'it will never last', 'you will be laughing at him down the line when his life has gone to shit', 'you're better off without him', 'don't take him back when he asks (which he will' they said.....blah blah blah. All the usual spiel your friends & family tell you at the time to try & make you feel better. And tbh it did and I believed them. However time has gone on and obviously this didn't happen and their life seems perfect, madly in love, DD loves going over and I'm just left picking up the pieces. It makes it all the more harder to deal with. I've had 3 failed relationships and miss the life I had. It makes me cross that I was given this spiel back then as I felt like that it held me back moving on and each year that goes by that they're still seemingly happily together & it knocks me back again.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I guess to hear other people's opinions on if affair partners really end up working out in the long-run? It's what you hear all the time on mumsnet how men give 'the speech' about not being happy as a justification to cheat and leave and then come crawling back....but only the former has happened to me....

Not really an AIBU but:
YABU - Yes they can work out
YANBU - No they can't

"Findings from logistic regressions showed that those who reported engaging in ESI in the first relationship were three times more likely to report engaging in ESI in their next relationship compared to those who did not report engaging in ESI in the first relationship."

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1

The other one is from a therapist, based on what she has seen in her practice. Numerous therapists report similar findings.

You can believe people capable of affairs are shitty human beings without it coming from a place of bitterness. I’ve never been cheated on or cheated – no experience of it. I still think they are shitty humans.

My friend was the other woman and they've been married 8 years, have 2 kids, a beautiful house and are stupidly happy together. It was a bit rocky at the start but they've made it.

I don't think this happens to every couple that started as an affair, but it can happen.

I dissed nobody. In fact, you personally attacked me without any provocation whatsoever.
Once a liar, always a liar.

Unfortunately we cannot see the quality of the research as its behind a paywall.

Exactly. I think a good number of people on this planet are shitty. That's self-evident.
I'd certainly be bitter if I had to deal with them all the time. Happily, I do not. I surround myself with honest, decent people.

No paywall for me. Not sure why there would be for you.

I think there's a difference between affairs that start because the person/people involved are cheaters by nature and those that happen because two people find a genuine connection that they can't ignore (although in my experience those tend not to be actual affairs but rather somebody being left for someone else). The former rarely last. The latter usually do.

You can believe whatever you want to believe. It makes no difference to the people that hurt you or the millions of other couples who started as affairs. However, It does do actual harm to all the women holding on to the false hope and unable to rebuild their lives waiting for karma to strike.
Because people told them that “it won’t last and he’ll be back soon, you’ll see”.

All the people around me at the time of our split said 'oh she is just a rebound', 'it will never last', 'you will be laughing at him down the line when his life has gone to shit', 'you're better off without him', 'don't take him back when he asks (which he will' they said.....blah blah blah. All the usual spiel your friends & family tell you at the time to try & make you feel better. And tbh it did and I believed them

I really dislike it when people trot out these lines as from what I’ve observed, it’s never true

My exh is still with his affair partner. He got her pregnant while we were (to my knowledge) attempting to patch up the marriage.

They've gone on to have another child and are still together some 10/11 years later.

That said I got a message from him on LinkedIn in Jan still declaring that he would always love me. Sad fuck.

there's a difference between affairs that start because the person/people involved are cheaters by nature and those that happen because two people find a genuine connection

This is splitting hairs for me. The shitty behaviour isn’t falling for someone else. It’s causing enormous known harm to another person for personal gain and satisfaction. I can appreciate it’s subjective, of course.

do you understand what the source of a study means?

you have to outline what body conducted the research and how

I'm so sorry, that must be incredibly painful for you.

In a way, I think I'd rather my husband left me and stayed with the OW. At least that way I'd know he hadn't thrown our marriage away for a random shag. I've not been in that situation before though so I appreciate my attitude my be different if it happens to me.

He didn't. I dumped him and felt peace such as I never experienced in a long time. He wanted me to stay.
Aw, egg on your face?
Assumptions not working out to fit your stereotypical notions of other humans? There, there now. Just keep telling yourself you're somehow different from other cheaters.

aside from tour ex husband who had an affair and you seem still twisted with anger about it, which is fair enough! but it does kind of blind you

I think when children are involved it's different but personally, if my partner felt they were falling in love with someone else I'd find it less cruel for them to end it with me than to stay and pretend. But I appreciate others would disagree.

You literally just re-posted a source when you quoted me. Are you blind?

As I said, the other is not a study, it's based on the clinical findings of therapists.
What have you got?

Sunk cost fallacy keeps some of them together. You can't throw away your whole life on an affair, and then let that fail. Maybe they stay together, but it might not be happily and might not be faithful.

huh?

are you sure?

on another thread you say he has an affair 5 years ago?

Since it’s not an objective subject, why not let this poster have her opinion? You can’t and won’t ever know whether it has been ‘blinded’ by her experience. She feels how she feels. If it paints cheaters in a poor light, then it is what it is.

you don’t know what a source is do you?

I can either log in via an institution or pay £29.95 for the PDF.

People want to believe that affair partners don't stay together but they often do.

Affairs are as variable as people. Some relationships, borne out of an affair, last for many years. Others don’t.