AIBU to think that not all affair relationships actually end that quickly?

[Angela101x]

Wondering what other fellow mums-netters opinions are on whether all relationships that start from affairs actually do end up working out in the long run?

My exH left me & my DD some 5 years ago now, (albeit he still sees DD) and got with a woman barely 4 months later. The same woman he was messaging who was 'just a friend' during the end of our then marriage of 11 years. He has never admitted having an affair and left me of his own 'free will' apparently as he hadn't been happy for years 🙄. This affair woman was also married at the time of their 'friendship' and she split with her exH very rapidly too after exH left me. They moved in together ASAP and have been together ever since. They bought a house, got married last year and it feels like I'm just waiting on the news that she will be pregnant anytime soon.

All the people around me at the time of our split said 'oh she is just a rebound', 'it will never last', 'you will be laughing at him down the line when his life has gone to shit', 'you're better off without him', 'don't take him back when he asks (which he will' they said.....blah blah blah. All the usual spiel your friends & family tell you at the time to try & make you feel better. And tbh it did and I believed them. However time has gone on and obviously this didn't happen and their life seems perfect, madly in love, DD loves going over and I'm just left picking up the pieces. It makes it all the more harder to deal with. I've had 3 failed relationships and miss the life I had. It makes me cross that I was given this spiel back then as I felt like that it held me back moving on and each year that goes by that they're still seemingly happily together & it knocks me back again.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I guess to hear other people's opinions on if affair partners really end up working out in the long-run? It's what you hear all the time on mumsnet how men give 'the speech' about not being happy as a justification to cheat and leave and then come crawling back....but only the former has happened to me....

Not really an AIBU but:
YABU - Yes they can work out
YANBU - No they can't

In fact we usually get on well, in what limited contact we do have. He's the one who is angry. If there's any conflict, it's from him blowing his stack over something trivial, which I just let roll off me. It's usually the cheater who is bitter, about being caught and exposed as a fraud.

Like many others, I just don't like abusive and deceitful people. I never have.

I think it’s 10x worse when children are involved. They are betraying them as well. It’s sickening.

This. I know plenty of relationships where the couple have got together whilst both single and it not worked out / one of them has cleated. Likewise I know couples who have been together years and started as an affair and are very happy. All depends on the people, the circumstances and the relationship! You're either happy or you're not!

My exH (the father of my children) left me for his affair woman. We had been married for just 4 years and my youngest was a baby - the affair apparently started when I was pregnant 🤷‍♀️

This was 32 years ago...they are still together and very happy, so I can't really be upset about it, as they were clearly 'meant to be'.

Sometimes it's just this...you meet your 'right one' after you married your 'maybe-one' 😬

Affairs are as variable as people. Some relationships, borne out of an affair, last for many years. Others don’t.

This. With bells on

Aren’t therapists by default surrounded by couples who are struggling and trying to prevent a breakup? So how would this therapist have knowledge of all the happy couples who never seek their help?

It’s like basing statistics on a divorce lawyers views, unless I am missing something that is explained in the article.

you’re not

No I didn't say that. You misunderstood. I'm not going to go into a timeline of my life for you. It's not relevant to the issue we are discussing.

Btw, are you following me around from thread to thread so you can play these "but you said such and such, which proves such and such" games? I must say I find that invasive, trollish and a bit creepy.

He had an affair for 5 year literally what you say on another thread

im not following you around

i was on that thread

and what you posted i thought… shit that sounds an awful time

I had an emotional affair. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I realized it had to stop. It sneaks up on you.

I had to choose between my marriage and my friend. I chose my friend. We have been married for 20 years.

I’ve been with the person I had an affair with for over 25 years.

DH's ex wife cheated on him. She was cheating on him when they got married (and then was really vindictive towards DH during their separation and divorce but thats a different story). Her and the guy she was cheating on DH with got together fairly quickly after. Theyre still together, married with kids 18 years later. To all intents and purposes it's a fairytale. They were meant to be together. It made the cheating worthwhile blah blah blah.

Shes slept with at least 3 other people behind his back.

Yes some stick together. Some may well be happy but equally, like anything, it isnt always what it all seems like.

My partner left me 36 years ago for ' the other woman'. He had been cheating on me with her her for quite a while. I knew her vaguely.
They are still together and are now grandparents. I see them round town sometimes and both look happy with each other. They have their second home in France and he plays in a local band. Sometimes she's there, sometimes she's not.

I came to realise a long time ago they are a better match than me and him.
I also know my life with DH is better than mine would have been with him.
There's quite a few affair couples I know that are still going and happy 15 years plus.
Of course some will fail but many do work out.

My DM and DSD had an affair and their relationship lasted 9 years. My DGM and DGF had an affair and have been married over 20 years. They definitely don’t all end quickly.

Well ExH and the OW have been together for 25 years now so yes some do last for quite a while. It actually made me feel better about the split when they were still going strong after a few years as I know I wasn't left for a "flash-in-the-pan" affair which, for me at least, would have been a lot harder to deal with.

Some last, some don't.

I think it would be logical that a higher number of AP relationships would fail compared to non-AP ones, because some people who have affairs do it for the newness and excitement which tends to be a repeat theme. I don't know any statistics but my husband's first wife had an affair and left. She married the AP but they divorced a few years later as she met someone else. She married for a third time and now divorced again.

But I know other couples who started off as APs who've been happily together for decades. My sister's FIL and his wife both left their spouses and young children to run off together and have now been together nearly 40 years.

True enough. However, when you consider that second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages (67%, I can source that if you like), and you take into account the increased likelihood of cheating again in any subsequent relationship, it's not hard to believe that marriages which start out that way would have an even higher failure rate.

I meant to say, that on reflection he did us both a massive favour which I realised quickly afterwards. And they are much more suited for each other, with far more matching values I expect.

I certainly wouldn't be living with his parents like they are!

My dad had an affair and left my mum for another woman when I was little. They got married and were together until he died 10 years ago.

My mum came to his funeral and at the wake she and my step-mum were chatting. When I asked her afterwards what they were talking about she said she had told my step-mum that she was a far better match for my dad than she ever was!

Even now I find it weird that my mum and dad were ever together as him and step-mum were far better suited and clearly head over in heels in love. Whereas my mum always said that they got on but largely tolerated each other and just co-existed....

IMO affair partners are usually "right for right now" partners and can last for years or just as a stepping stone out of a marriage. Especially in the case of men needing a "partner" to help co step parent for example.

Generally though, second marriages fail along with affair partnerships. Both can last for a long while, however.

I speak as someone who has come out of a long second marriage (for him), but his behaviour was constantly like I was an affair, not a second wife. It was strange (and I was not the OW by years and years)

I am trying to say (badly), an affair partner/second marriage may last, but it means far less these days IMO. There are clearly exceptions to this rule!

So creepy. I'm sorry they're doing that to you. It says more about them then it does about you ❤️

i was on the thread

it’s a memorable post because it’s so sickening what he did to and when to @XChrome and completely explains her stance on this thread