AIBU to think that not all affair relationships actually end that quickly?

[Angela101x]

Wondering what other fellow mums-netters opinions are on whether all relationships that start from affairs actually do end up working out in the long run?

My exH left me & my DD some 5 years ago now, (albeit he still sees DD) and got with a woman barely 4 months later. The same woman he was messaging who was 'just a friend' during the end of our then marriage of 11 years. He has never admitted having an affair and left me of his own 'free will' apparently as he hadn't been happy for years 🙄. This affair woman was also married at the time of their 'friendship' and she split with her exH very rapidly too after exH left me. They moved in together ASAP and have been together ever since. They bought a house, got married last year and it feels like I'm just waiting on the news that she will be pregnant anytime soon.

All the people around me at the time of our split said 'oh she is just a rebound', 'it will never last', 'you will be laughing at him down the line when his life has gone to shit', 'you're better off without him', 'don't take him back when he asks (which he will' they said.....blah blah blah. All the usual spiel your friends & family tell you at the time to try & make you feel better. And tbh it did and I believed them. However time has gone on and obviously this didn't happen and their life seems perfect, madly in love, DD loves going over and I'm just left picking up the pieces. It makes it all the more harder to deal with. I've had 3 failed relationships and miss the life I had. It makes me cross that I was given this spiel back then as I felt like that it held me back moving on and each year that goes by that they're still seemingly happily together & it knocks me back again.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I guess to hear other people's opinions on if affair partners really end up working out in the long-run? It's what you hear all the time on mumsnet how men give 'the speech' about not being happy as a justification to cheat and leave and then come crawling back....but only the former has happened to me....

Not really an AIBU but:
YABU - Yes they can work out
YANBU - No they can't

@XChrome, if someone is doing that report it. I had it happen to me and it was the creepiest thing. They then kept getting banned and name changed and stalked me!

Yes exactly this. If you are a "serial cheat" who is just after the excitement of a new relationship because you get bored in mundane day to day life and you repeat this behaviour then no, your relationships probably aren't going to last.

If you are just a normal person in a relationship where you are unhappy and you meet someone else who just feels "right" then yes, there's as much chance of it lasting as any other relationship.

It seems to be working out for Charles and Camilla.

the cover couple you could say!

You remember a thread in detail from 5 years ago? And are able to know exactly how many years ago it was?

Sorry not buying it.

It's weird to bring up things PP have said previously. Especially when doing it in such a nasty way about something that must have been very hurtful to them.

😆

it was late last night

Yes, but IMO they should have always been together.
The reasons are so well documentated. Poor Diana.

I love Camilla and Charles though!

No need to source , I have heard about the higher failure rate for second marriages too.
it’s the 98% failure rate for affair-born relationships that I find difficult to believe considering there are so many couples still going strong that most people know of.

I’m so sorry OP, what a shit situation for you.

There’s no real way of knowing if your ex and his new partner will last forever, they may be together for eleven years like you were and then it could all go awry.

It clearly is sometimes the case that people find lasting happiness in a relationship with an affair partner. It feels unfair and extra cruel but you hear of people cheating on a first spouse and then spending their lives happily faithful to the next. There isn’t necessarily a reason for it, it just goes that way sometimes.

You deserve happiness in your own right, regardless of what your ex is doing now. I hope you are able to find it ❤️

Oh right 😅 that makes more sense.

Still creepy but definitely less so than going through 5 years of posting history!!!!!

67% of second marriages fail?? Gosh. I’m shocked by that.

Thank you! You are very kind. The poster says he/she wasn't doing that, so I'll give the benefit of the doubt.

Yes but when asked about marrying her he said he has "buyer's remorse." He's a twat and she's a doormat.

i was on the thread
it stuck out

I think you'll be a lot happier when you focus on enjoying the life you have with a view to building a new relationship with an amazing person that will undoubtedly come along. and not spending your time focusing on wanting someone else to break up or not be happy or comparing your happiness to theirs

Yeah, it may be off to some degree. To what extent I don't know. I have been looking, but no luck so far.
I don't think you can say most people know such couples. We don't have a proper data set to conclude that either.

Yes. I know someone celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary this year. That relationship started as an affair. If you didn’t know they started as an affair there would be nothing to suggest to you that’s how it started. They are blissfully happy.
Do serial cheats and thrill seekers work out? Often not.
Type of affair and reasons are a greater indication of whether it will work than simply affair or not.
The main thing OP is that it sounds like you’ve put your happiness on hold, like your happiness is dependent on the success or failure of their relationship. That’s not healthy and won’t lead to your own happiness. Even if they break up tomorrow and he’s left heartbroken you might feel a bit smug for a bit, or like he’s as miserable as he left you, but does that change anything for you?
The best revenge is a happy life.

Thank you. 🙂
The poster claims not to have done that, but just happened upon a thread I was on. I can accept that explanation.
Wow, I'm sorry about your experience. Cyber stalking has happened to me in the past as well, including death threats.

Delightful aren't you!!

Yeah, because I'm indifferent to him now and we have very limited contact. If I had to see him all the time it wouldn't be so rosy. We are not friends by any means, but I'm always civil. I see no point in being churlish.

My mum and step dad were married for 49 years after they had an affair with each others. So yes, they can work. Mum had married very young, desperate to get away from her parents and my step dad was sleeping in the garage because his marriage was a mess. I am not condoning affairs. But sometimes they work out. They were the love of each others lives.

I don't recall saying anything particularly memorable. I'm just matter of fact about it. I had the same stance before that happened, as I don't like liars and abusers. You don't need to experience it to feel that way.
I accept that you have not been following me around. However, I do think bringing that here to try and prove your assumptions correct was not cool.

that. why soon after your DM passed away you discovered your husband had been having an affair for 5 years

It was only last night and trust me when i say… that sounds bloody horrific

Right, but it wasn't five years ago like you said. I have a new, better life now, so he inadvertently did me a favour.
Can we drop it now?

i was actually explaining to other posts that were equally 🤨 at your narrow mindedness on this issue why that might be