To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

[FedupMum2024]

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

Yabu stop the allowance make them responsible for themselves, they sound like normal teens to me tbh. Did they ever help around the house?

I don't think it's "normal" to be so abusive and rude to your parent.
It's certainly not acceptable and I don't understand why people think it is.

I meant the staying in the rooms not the nastiness. I think a lot of groundwork goes into raising kids, if they are let away with stuff in their younger years they tend to grow up with the idea it's OK. I've raised 3 who have never been nasty to me but I do get the eye rolling occasionally

You're right, mine were the same with the huffiness and lurking in bedrooms.
Never rude like this though. You've got to put those boundaries in place early on.

Great advice here

I was never like that, I wouldn’t have dared. Surely saying it’s normal is like giving them a pass?

Doesn’t like normal behaviour whatsoever

I wouldn't go scorched earth. You need to hold something in reserve, so you have the means to escalate, if needs be.

Pick the 3 most important areas for concern. For me, it would be dirty dishes brought to the kitchen and washed, not leaving mud/mess in common areas, cleaning the bathroom after use. Yours might be different, but choose the 3 that piss you off the most.
Then link reward with improvement in those areas.

No shouting, a simple calm connection between behaviour and reward/consequence.
So,If they track mud into the house and refuse to clean it up, they don't get a door key and you will make them remove their shoes outside under supervision. Since they clearly cannot be trusted to let themselves in.
If they wash their dishes/tidy the bathroom after use, they earn their allowance. Allowance is linked to behaviour, it's not a God given right.
Ask your ex to work with you on this so they can't just get money from him instead.

Re food, I wouldn't make a big deal of this. Cook what you want to cook, if they don't want it then their alternative is to make themselves cereal or a sandwich. No skin off your nose, is the message you want to convey here. They will struggle to order themselves pizza when their allowance runs out!

Save withdrawal of wifi/X box for later. You need a nuclear option for the really bad behaviour.

I agree with the posters who say that you continue to provide the basics, but the niceties are to be earned and are rewards for doing their share. And that's how you phrase it to them - they are growing up and aren't kids, so need to contribute as the independent people they are becoming.
When they ask for a lift somewhere you say 'sure, when you've done your washing up I'll be happy to take you'.

What has helped my dd (16) is getting a little job as a pot washer/waitress in a pub. She is learning what work feels like and how much of it you have to do in order to earn enough money to buy a mascara or something. It stops them taking their allowance for granted because they see how hard they'd have to work to replace that money if allowance stopped.

I always try to (A) pick my battles and (B) think of actions and natural consequences eg

(1) they don't clear up after themselves? Bung their stuff in bag for life in their bedroom. Keep buying more bags for life, if required. They'll tidy it eventually

(2) they don't put dirty laundry in the laundry basket, or don't sort it to ensure pockets are empty? Leave them to do their own laundry. They'll wash their clothes eventually

(3) they leave the bathroom in a state? Let it deteriorate. They'll clean it eventually. In the meantime, use your en suite (if you have one), or join a gym and shower elsewhere.

(4) they don't eat food you cooked for them? Let them order and pay for delivery pizza. It's expensive. They won't do it often

(5) they're rude about the food you buy? Ask them to prepare a shopping list

(5) they're rude to you? Leave the room

(6) they complain about their allowance? If you're comfortable with what you've decided to give them, then hold firm. If they want more, they could earn it by doing chores over and above "normal" household chores eg don't pay them for emptying the dishwasher

(7) they bring mud into the house, constantly, despite you asking them to leave shoes in the porch? Explain to them that No, you don't have time to take them into town, as you required to clean the floor again. Eventually, if carpet is damaged by mud, explain to them that they'll only get a selection box at Christmas, because you had to pay to replace the carpet

If you take this approach, I think that you'll need to have the confidence to hold firm (not easy), your house will deteriorate temporarily (unpleasant), but eventually, they'll work out that it's in their own best interests to treat you / your house with respect

IMHO, this is better than arbitrary punishments eg removing their phones, changing wifi passwords etc

I was also never like that , the staying in rooms is the normal I was referring to, nothing normal about the nasty behaviour. My kids also never behave like that .

Ah ok.

OP, unfortunately they have been spoiled and have turned into ugly teens.
Not all teens are ugly and most parents wouldn't tolerate such behaviour.

You need a zero tolerance approach.
No more money.
No more laundry.
No lifts.
Reply No to ANY question.
Buy basic food, not treats/junk food whatsoever ever....your bill will shrink.

Do not engage with them. Avoid them in the house.

When the penny drops with them that you mean business you leave THEM to come to you to sort things out.
YOU tell them what you expect from them.

If they don't agree tell them things will remain as is.
They need part time jobs.

OP we teach people how to treat us and that includes teens.
They are ugly ill mannered teens that will soon morph into ugly young adults unless you get your shit together and get real.

Get your Ex on board with no futher funding of pocket money.

Think of this as helping them, because you are.
They are on a wrong path and they need you to show them that their behaviour is wrong and will no longer be tolerated.

Do not shout or get upset, just implement the above and show them it is a complete non negotiable.

Teens can be self serving and self absorbed.
They are well able to adjust their behaviour quickly when self interest demands it.

If they become abusive because of the above, Tell them their phones will be turned off, and mean it.

I hope you're ok OP, reading the responses can't be easy. I've got 2 a bit older than yours (16 and 20). I get how frustrating teenagers can be. But yours have obviously crossed the line. It can be fixed. It doesn't have to be this way, it really doesn't. Yes, it will take time, and they aren't going to like it and they're going to be very vocal about the fact that they don't like it.

But at this age they've only got a few more years before they'll be leaving school and entering young adulthood proper - the aim now is to start teaching them basic life skills. Doing their own laundry. Basic domestic hygiene. Basic cooking. How to live with other people as adults.

Sometimes they will mess it up and there will be makeup in the wash. It's not the end of the world. Oh dear, never mind, check pockets next time. And repeat until the penny drops. The key is to not let one screw up mean that they don't have to do it again. All your teach them with that is that incompetence pays - don't want to do something? Do it badly and you won't have to. My eldest now does her laundry without prompting. Youngest still needs reminding - machine is empty now, do your laundry. You need to hang it out. You need to change your sheets. If he doesn't then he's wearing dirty underpants, and that's his problem.

If they leave mess, they get called back immediately to deal with it. You didn't clean up your sandwich things. There's pee on the seat. You need to replace the loo roll. They don't get told off and I don't make a fuss about why are they like this, I just say you need to do x. Complaining and eyerollling are ignored. If you don't do it, WiFi goes off until it's done. Again, they get the message eventually.

With housework stuff the rule is that we all live here therefore we all chip in. The pair of them clean up after dinner every day, washing up/drying pots/clearing the table. They can make beds, vacuum, clean a toilet, wash a car, iron a shirt, prep a basic meal.

They both know that I will go in their bedroom and clean it if it starts to smell. Therefore if they don't want me in there, they have to clean it.

From what you've said I wonder if you have a little bit tried to reward them into behaving better and it's backfired to some extent as what's actually been rewarded is the bad behaviour - kick off and you don't have to do it/eat it/wash it. Almost that it's become a habit. But if it is a habit, it can be changed (though you will have to stick to your guns and hold out for what you want when they resist, which they will).

I would start with just the laundry for a couple of weeks. Get them into the habit of doing their own, let them make mistakes and learn from them, then pick the next thing.

They sound challenging so yes maybe some repercussions like withdrawing of allowance would be appropriate. Teenagers can be difficult but yours sound particularly so. Get yourself out and about and offer cinema trips or whatever if they treat you with respect. Let them cook their own meals and wash their own clothes. Enlist your exes help with not throwing money at them. That just makes them think they can do whatever they like with no consequences.

Time for dad to step up, whether the kids like it or not. He gets a quiet, peaceful life, while you have to put up with their appalling behaviour? No way. They should spend at least half the holidays with him, regardless of whether they want to. I think it's fine to tell them that you are fed up with their shitty attitudes and behaviour and need a break. So off they go for 3 weeks. It might be the wake up call they need.

I agree with the suggestion that them going to their father for half the holidays is an excellent idea.
I would be clear with them you absolutely want a break from their behaviour.
Take the break and enjoy it.
I have friends who work full-time and it really is eye opening how little they do for their late teen children.

No laundry, cooking 2/3 times a week max, online basic shop only, no treats or junk food, they buy their own, kids doing house work.
All lovely kids and they just get on with it.

These women work 50 hour weeks, late 50's and know they can only do so much and that their careers fund a lot of the privileges their children enjoy.

They sound like awful shitbags and I feel sorry for you as to how you are being treated. Lots of people make excuses about teens being teens but I really don't know anyone who behaves like this or even growing up. Pack them off to their father for a while, tell them exactly why and let them learn the consequences.
Don't leave them to think this is ok, they will grow up to be vile adults too if they don't realise how bad their behaviour is.

Best post!

Nonsense. They are old enough to perform the basics for themselves. The 16-year-old could be a married woman in some cultures.

I'd go nuclear and put a lock on the bathroom door. The type that requires a fingerprint to open. Admit them upon request but if the room is not left spotless, dock another week of allowance.

Get tough, OP.

You need the dad I think. You say they don't go to dad's as they prefer to stay with you so ship them off for two weeks to him, make it clear it's because they are disrespectful and rude to you and you need a break from their behaviour. When they want to come back, they agree to the ground rules. Shoes off in the hall, or they have to clean it. Choices for dinner is Take it or Fucking Leave it, they can use their own funds to order a takeaway. They clean up the kitchen. But pick the battles. Let their laundry pile up. Segregate it by person so if a blusher goes in with a load, it's only DD's stuff and nobody else in the house is affected. If you aren't doing it to her standards, stop altogether. She'll soon need to do it.

Shut the door on their rooms, it's their problem. However... there's a couple of things to try: I saw a post elsewhere where a mother put a few black rice grains in her filthy teens' room and told him they had mice. That triggered the boy to do a massive deep clean 4 hours long. His tidy sister was so grossed out that she deep-cleaned her already clean room. I'm keeping that one in my arsenal for future use.

Well they may be old enough, but they clearly can't do it for themselves.
If you're a parent, you have to support with the basics, even if your kids are playing up. I can't conceive of a situation where mine wouldn't have clean clothes, sheets and towels. Mine are adults now and it never came to that.
I'd get rid of their wifi access, though.

I would (and have in the past with my DS15 when he had a short period of being disrespectful . . . only had to do it once as it had a big impact) withdraw all but the basic parenting support. So not a penny to them for personal use - if they want food they can eat your dinners, if they want a phone they need to get a job to pay the contract etc. And also no admin, domestic or logistical support beyond the urgent. So not just withdraw laundry help etc, but also don't do admin to allow them to do their hobbies, don't sign them up for school trips, don't buy their train ticket to visit a friend etc etc. my DS came to a very quick realisation of the million ways I make his life run smoothly behind the scenes and he snapped out of the attitude. I emphasized throughout that I loved him and was very happy to continue to do these things for him should he treat me with the respect I deserve.

That is quite extreme behaviour. I am sorry as it sounds like you deserve much better. I don’t know if it has been mentioned, but I’m surprised they are not doing things with their friends tonight when school breaks up. I think kids need to see their friends a bit and socialise for their mental health.

I am definitely not a softy. And I had high standards for the behaviour of my teens.

But I do wonder whether it’s worth trying one on one time with each of them at an activity they enjoy eg shopping. And casually discuss their behaviour in a low stress way. That can happen alongside the WiFi and laundry consequences.

Are they old enough to get parttime/holiday jobs? Could also say to them that if they don't then they won't have access to their tech - xbox etc