To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

[FedupMum2024]

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

Nah, just stop paying for it. He'll soon realise its not all one way traffic. I had unruly teenagers 6 years ago, they turned into lovely people but we did have to explain the rules and take privileges away sometimes which made us the evil ones. If you don't, you'll a) show them your life is subservient to theirs and b) demonstrate there are no consequences to behaviour. Not easy to change but basically, you've got to be prepared to be harsh and be hated for a bit, on the surface anyway. Good luck!

Sounds like you’ve been going for the ‘quiet life’ for quite some time.
You say you feel downtrodden; well, they can see that.

Grow a back bone and do some parenting. Although to be honest you’ve probably left it way too late….

Enjoy your ‘you’ time if that makes you feel better.

@FedupMum2024 have you asked them what they would like to do when they are older? How they are going to get there? They are not far off GCSEs, are they applying themselves? Do they want to stay at their current school for sixth form? Go to uni? Are they going to get the grades they need for either or these things?

If he's on the Xbox can he get into something more useful like coding.

I would sit them both down, together, with phones out of reach and start to focus their mind a bit on the future. Suddenly they will be a little more grateful.

And this summer might be a good idea for them to learn how to cook. It's an important skill. Do you have a simple cookbook they can start with?

Stick a list of chores onto the fridge and tell them that until the chores are all done to a high standard, all allowance payments are cancelled. Put a block on their phones and change the WiFi password and tell them every time they speak to you in a disrespectful way, a week will be getting added on to the WiFi and phone ban.

Buy BASIC and boring food that they have to prepare themselves.

hold your ground and stay calm, they will get sick of it before you do.

I have a radical solution. Sell them off for medical experiments.. Ha. Alas apparently the UN doesn't approve of this . Arrrrrr the good old days.
However a more practical way is to find a way to change the locks of your house when their not there obviously and when they are all out leave for the night with a friend maybe and sit back and wait for the panicked calls. Ball firmly in your court. To make it a fait a comple tell your ex before of your plan. ..
While I realise it may not be a practical for you, would you not have a bit of fun if you could.. ??? Ha.
Anyhow just a thought..

I'm with you... I've got two teenage daughters, I'm thinking about living in my car, feels like a brilliant idea compared to living with them🤬🤯.. 🤣🤣

You’re enabling them.

they traipse mud? They clean it. If they don’t - internet is off.

they don’t like dinner? They can spend their money on a Pizza but they’re not getting more money.

Use what you would be giving them for pocket money and any treats etc to get a cleaner so it’s not solely you trying to keep on top of them. Tell them they get it back when they start helping out and treating you with respect.

Teenagers need more boundaries than ever in their lives. Their brains are being hit by hormones but this is no excuse for their behaviour. You need to take a step back and consider would you let anyone else treat you like this. Stop their allowance off you, if you pay for phones etc stop that. Provide food in fridge but don’t cook for them just cook for yourself and when asked just explain you decided not to bother any more since they are both so rude regarding your cooking. Dirty washing throw back into bedrooms they are off school for a number of weeks so no stress of there being no clean uniform. Dirty cups and plates leave where they are. I know this is hard to do but why will they change if you continue to do all these things for them. Go out for the day or for a meal don’t explain yourself to them.

I can say all this because I’ve been there I used to believe that I had raised them wrong for the way they behaved and if I’m honest I had. I had gotten myself caught up in being the best mom I could be but I was actively allowing my children to treat me like dirt. It was a long journey for me to realise that not washing their clothes did not make me a bad mom, allowing them to become rude and entitled did. I started reminding them that they were responsible for their own actions and if that meant they ignored me then they were choosing to do so. Passing responsibility back to them. Mine didn’t like it but eventually we got to a place where I had boundaries and they respected them.

I hope this makes sense, I’m laid up in bed with a vile sickness bug and really not sure I’m explaining this to the best of my ability.

Turn off the WiFi / Change the password - They can have it back when they contribute to the household (or at the very least by cleaning up after themselves). Stop the allowance and get a cleaner.

It’s really not pleasant but from someone that works in youth mental health services teens are completely re-wiring their brain, sometimes this leads to some awful behaviour that’s hard to deal with, but usually they will grow out of it and become normal, responsible adults. It’s so hard but try not to let it get to you.too much (easier said than done). They are evolutionarily programmed to push boundaries and almost feel a slight repulsion to the ‘family unit’, understandably this can be incredibly hurtful! My advice would be just leave them be (in as much as don’t make effort to force activities) and do some things just for you, as it’s probably making you very stressed and unhappy.

I caused great amusement at work when I tipped up with the house with house wifi router. I could have electronically blocked everything but I felt like making a statement

Go on strike- I do it regularly to reset my kids!! Turn the WiFi off. Don't cook for them, don't clean their clothes. Write instructions how to use dishwasher and to put all the cups etc in their room in it, washing machine, how to hang washing out on line, how clean you expect their rooms to be before WiFi gets switched on. Tell them the bare minimum you expect them to do for you to continue to pay for their phones, Netflix, Disney and other subscriptions. Change the password on all these and only give it back when they have done the bare minimum humaning.
Everyone they don't do something like put a plate in dishwasher, ask them once then if they don't, use find my alert if the have apples gadgets, turn WiFi off.

If they are completely being arses- walk out the door with the WiFi router, and go sit in coffee shop/ pub/ car park/park with a book for an hour or so with your phone switched off. If they are knobs when you walk back in, turn heel and walk out again.

@FedupMum2024 you are far too nice to them.

Unplug the router and take it out for the day. You and router go have a nice day of retail therapy, a film, lunch, rock climbing etc... then when you get back at say 8pm tell them the router died and you went to try and get it fixed.

If they are disrespectful stop their allowance. My DS1 is only 13 but allowance is only paid if chores are done and he is polite, and screen time us a privilege that needs to be earned. Not a human right. Any rude behaviour and his phone gets locked for 24 hours.

Give them some rules and chores with consequences if not done.

Make them do the chores with you so they've been shown so they then can't argue they didn't know how.

To keep rooms clean and presentable give them a deadline after which go in with a black bag and everything dirty and out of place goes in the bag! It will really hurt you but enough is enough. You're being taken for a mug.

No chores done = no money
Ask ex to tell the kids he will confirm how their behaviour has been before giving allowance.

Speak to you like shit ping the WiFi off for the day for both!! They will soon learn to encourage each other to button it.

The punishment needs to be scaled like you can't go all out for a small misdemeanour as then you have nothing up your sleeve for something worse.

Follow through a good few times and you will see!!

All this comparing you, let it go over your head. They are talking shit. My kids said this to me loads turns out a lot of the other kids parents didn't parent and lived in chaos. Put it this way it wasn't no Walt Disney like the way they made out to hurt me.

I’m afraid you have a chronic case of motherhood OP. Teenagers are relentless. Just go out. You’ll feel better for it, then when you get home, rocket up the arse time.

I was in a similar situation. I cut off the Internet, cut off all money, call them once for dinner and if they don't come throw it in the bin. I cancelled all holidays and I never gave phone ( you should have heard the begging, pleading and wailing). If they ignore me, I ignore them. They are beginning to turn round. It's slowly dawning on them how much I do when I don't do it. We don't have a television so they come asking to order books onto their kindles. You simply have to be brutal and go counter to the current culture. Let me tell you that we everyone else they have impeccable manners and are all sweetness and smiles.

Stop being their skivvy! Entitled little beggars! Stop their allowance if they are bring horribly rude to you. Tell your daughter she is living in your house and you will breathe,sneeze,cough belch and fart exactly when the need takes you. If she doesn't like it she better get herself a job and prepare to ship out! Same for her brother. Don't waste your efforts shoppingbor cooking for them either. They need a serious dose of reality!

Sounds like there need to be repercussions for bad behaviour. They don't do basic chores you requested, no allowance. And I would NEVER give additional money if they blew their allowance. Clearly you are giving them too much if they are happy to just order pizza to avoid dinner. If they don't like dinner they can make themselves a sandwich. Take some control back, you are responsible for creating spoilt brats if there are never any consequences.

I feel like these simple life skills are better taught at a younger age when they are more receptive. At this age there's too much going on a 15yo life to care to learn/connect. Unless it's taught from someone outside the home.

Cut the WiFi, give a list of chores to earn some money. Stop paying their phone bills, or give them a dumb phone for emergencies...all until they realise what you're actually doing for them. I dread the day mine turn teenagers, 6 year old us already acting like one!

My teens wouldn’t be getting rewarded with anything if they acted like that, and spoke to me like that. Best thing you can do is go and live your life, bet they soon start to notice hang on mum isn’t here to cook the food they hate, where is she?! Stay out late and don’t update them!

Enjoy your coastal walks, you deserve it.

I used to have similar issues with son at 14 around not bringing laundry down.

I gave him one week to sort it out or I wouldn't be doing his laundry again.

He failed to sort it out. I haven't done his laundry since. Yes, he spent a week going into school a bit stinky and he looked a mess but I held fast and he did all his own laundry after that. He's 26 and moved out 4 years ago. He's never once brought his laundry home to me either (which I hear can happen a lot!) and hes very self sufficient.

The side effect of that was that my daughter wanted to do her own laundry to be independent and grown up like her brother. Brilliant! 😅

The issue is that you're sort of half introducing the threat of doing something that you then don't do. Your children know this and their resolve is stronger than yours.

Use the holidays to show them who is the boss. They are old enough to make their own meals so don’t buy in any junk or treats that they could snack and fill up on during the day. Make a healthy tea and if they don’t like it, fridge it for the next day. If they are hungry they will make it themselves from what is available to them. I would cut their allowance by more than half because they don’t deserve it and are taking the piss, bonuses for helping and doing chores, deductions for verbal diarrhoea. Get a roll of bin bags. Ask no more than three times to move their things, take their shoes off etc. Bag everything up they can’t be arsed removing on request or leave lying about. Don’t let them have anything back for a week or two unless they earn it. Wi-Fi, give them a wifi window of 2hrs daily. Teach them to put a wash load on. If they don’t listen, tough shit because the only way they will have clean clothes is for them to wash them, not you. If they want money for outings and things don’t give them anything, they should pay for it out their heavily reduced allowance. They need to budget and plan accordingly, not treat you like crap and treat you like a bank. It’s going to be rough but stick with it. Make them as miserable as they make you and see how they like it. They ruddy won’t!