To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

[FedupMum2024]

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

“I am now at the point where a quiet life takes priority over trying to raise decent human beings.”

They’ve worked this out and are using it to their advantage, to get out of doing anything

I don't have anything constructive to post as I'm having the same issue with my 17yo. He's exactly the same and unfortunately his father (lives an hour away and isn't anywhere near as supportive) infantilises him even more.

Just wanted to offer a teenage suffering hand hold. Hopefully one day when they're fully functioning adults we'll look back on this and laugh.

Sometimes you need to resort to losing your shit and going nuclear. Everything stops. Shock them and start a new life with new rules and boundaries. Don’t let this go on one day longer.

I can hear that you are a really nice person, OP, but I honestly think this sounds like the outcome of gentle parenting.
I don’t shout at my children, but I do have a louder, more emotive way of getting my point across and a range of consequences for talking to me rudely or without respect, although because of this it very rarely happens.
I’m by no means a perfect parent because I’m aware I do too much for mine - but they have known from an early age that there are boundaries and expectations.
How to start this with teens? I’d be having a sit down with each one and let them know that while I love them unconditionally, their behaviour isn’t appropriate and I want to know that when they go out into the big wide world, they’ll be decent, respectful human beings…..therefore these are the changes that will be happening now.
Tell them clearly what you expect and the consequences of not doing these things - and follow through. Every time.
Also outline how you’re going to reward the improved behaviour.

Just want to point out that not one of these posts is telling you to put up and shut up

All of them are saying parent these kids before it’s too late!

Thing is you can't give up. You are a parent and parenting is hard. Have a break and find your inner strength to continue to be consistent. When your DS friends start commenting on how he smells, he will start wanting his clothes ro be washed. Wash their clothes separately to yours so yours won't get ruined if they haven't emptied their pockets.
Most effective will be to change wifi password/ place parental lock so only educational websites allowed and to stop any allowance

Yes! Write a big, visible list of everything they have and everything you do for them. Pin it up on the wall. Then each time they are vile, simply cross one off. The biggies will be wifi, pay for your phone etc and could be kept for what you decide are the larger transgressions.

It might be a good idea to go nuclear at first if you don’t usually. That will shock them that mum is at the end of her tether and means business, but after that initial time you need to stay calm and consistent. Otherwise it will just escalate. Calm all the time. It’s hard when you are furious too.

It took me a long time to realise that once teenagers red mist of anger occurs then they aren’t going to listen or respond to anything. You could threaten loss of privileges for a year and they just wouldn’t care in that state - so instead you need to calmly tell them you’ll continue the discussion when they are calm and walk away. Then later when you are all calm, you can solve the issue properly.

Have your non negotiable rules linked to consequences and do not deviate on those. Don’t sweat the smaller stuff.

I liked the suggestion of
daily - Wi-Fi on
weekly - allowance
monthly - bonus treat.

I can’t state enough that the key to this is being CALM yourself. Calm and consistent.

They're still children, you're still the parent, so you can't give up.
They need clean clothes, food, and a safe environment. I don't know why they're so rude to you, and so disrespectful. That's more than regular teenager behaviour. It's tough to reset, but you're going to have to establish certain things. You are their mother and a person with feelings. It's not ok to treat you like that.
Be direct: why are you taking to me like this?, why do you not respect our shared space?
It's a hard road. Start with ending the allowance.

The dad seems to have all but given up.

50 years ago my brother refused to clean up his bedroom (think he was about 15) so my mum got some black bin bags, piled everything into them and chucked it all away. He had a lovely tidy room after that!

She would also throw our shoes outside if they were in the way and tough luck if it rained! Anything left on the floor/in the way would go into one big pile which was dumped once a week. it didn't take long for us to fall into line but heavens above we moaned like billy-o about it!

go away for a few days n leave them to it! before you do take the router with you that will wake them up!
even if you dont go away carry on with your days out but still take router! if you can bear it leave their mess ie breakfast dishes on the side keep a plate etc for yourself but leave all their things clothes unwashed crockery unwashed then they will soon be thinking of what to do when they run out simple do it yourself

Time to focus on YOU now op!

focus on your interests, hobbies, bottomless brunches with your pals whatever you want. The world is your oyster!!

I see they're 14 and 15. Still children who need care and supervision.
How long have you been a single parent?

Thing is they treat you bad anyway, can't be much worse when you take money and privileges away .

Toughen up. Or it's going to get worse. I have issues with my daughter, but I laid down some rules and I stick to them. I don't do her washing, she's not allowed food in her bedroom and once she's spent her wages then that's it- she gets none from me. And if she gets gobby then all I have to say is " Who the hell do you think you're talking to?" And anything she leaves lying around-even after being asked several times to move it- ends up being scooped up and dumped on her bed.
Stop cooking for them- let them buy their own if they think they can afford it.
Can you send them to their Dad's for a bit? Sounds like you need a break!

Dad gives them an allowance, that’s enough. If they want more from you they earn it by cleaning up after themselves and doing certain jobs (emptying bins, loading dishwasher, sorting laundry, etc.). Do you have a dog? They walk that during the holidays too. Any backchat, money deducted.

If you don't do your child's washing, believe me it gets noted by others. I think it's your responsibility to keep them clean, fed and watered, but their attitude would impact other things which are more of a privilege.

My kids are a lot younger than yours but I was rather soft towards them if they behaved rude or badly. I always wanted to show that being calm and a good example was better. DH on the other hand is very old school (not hitting or anything) but the things he would say made me feel sorry for them - basically words and shouting that are not encouraged these days! However, they used to listen to him like it was a military school, tidy their bed, take their plates away and get ready immediately. It was so frustrating to see me asking them to clean up 20 times nicely and be ignored and he shouts 'get up and clean your bloody room!' and they immediately listen. He has forced them to pay for things out of their birthday money when they lose things. He has once thrown their Nintendo switch in the bin when they didn't listen (he got it out eventually but for a week they thought it was destroyed). I'm not saying fear is always the answer but it was the only thing that worked. If they say anything out of turn he will openly say 'who the f* do you think you are!!' very shouty and angressively - but never physical. I didn't like it for a while and we had numerous arguments over these tactics but it has worked and they are now really decent and respectful. I do think these days there is an overall less respect for adults and authority as I think we sometimes try and be friends with children first. I am not advocating this aggression at all, as I didn't like it. I do think my softer approach was a good balance and if we were both like DH that wouldn't be good but just letting you know my experience as I sympathise.

This is absolutely brilliant 😂

Stop running around behind them.

This is the perfect time to teach them a lesson.

Put enough crockery/cutlery for you in one place then when they’ve used up all the clean stuff, they’ll have no choice but to wash up.

Don’t do their laundry. They’re old enough to work out how to use a machine. They’re not going to school so no one to judge you.

Don’t cook for them, just for yourself. They can sort their own meals out.

Presumably, they’ll be going off to uni when they’re 18 so will need to be able to do these things for themselves then.

Inform them, money/allowance will be paid out when chores are done.

**
Don’t cook for them, just for yourself. They can sort their own meals out.

Disagree with this. You all take turns preparing meals.

THIS. I remember being a (horrible) teenager and one day my mum didn't come home from work at her usual time of 5.30ish during the school holidays. These were the days before mobile phones. I rang her work (no answer as they were closed), couldn't get hold of my dad, rang my grandma who said she had no idea where my mum was (in hindsight she was clearly lying to me!) and then went into a mass panic.

I remember the sheer relief when she walked through the door late at night (probably 8ish but felt a lot later 😂). She was acting all calm and aloof and told me she'd been out for dinner with her friends as I had told her the night before I "didn't even need her". She said if I continued to be a horrendous excuse for a human being then she would go out every day after work and I could fend for myself until I left home. Never happened again.

The problem is, teenagers think they are completely self-sufficient and grown up but once they have a taste of reality then they revert back to being children who just need their mum / dad.

I have found parenting teens the hardest stage of parenthood by far. I think it’s very important to look after yourself first - find something to do that brings you joy each day. For me it’s a long walk in the morning and reading a good book in the evening. If you are in a better frame of mind you will be in a better position to parent more effectively.

It won’t be possible to fix all the issues at once so just start with the problem that causes you the most angst. If it’s the food calmly tell them you will only be cooking one healthy meal and if they don’t like it they get to cook for themselves at their own cost. They then have to wash all the dishes and if it’s not done by x time then there will be a consequence.

If it’s the laundry, either tell them they are responsible for their own washing or you may decide to only wash clothes that are in the basket and you will not be checking pockets.

Do not accept any rudeness or disrespectful behaviour. If they start mouthing off tell them “I do not tolerate being spoken to like that” and calmly walk away, even leave the house if you need to. The louder they get, the quieter and calmer you get.

You will need to follow through with consequences and be consistent for the behaviour to change. Suggest a few fun things to do together and if they refuse just go by yourself or a friend. They need to realise your life does not revolve around them and their moods.

But she didn’t ignore him she answered him back