To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

[FedupMum2024]

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

Why are you accepting this? Letting them treat you like this? They're your children! My teens wouldn't ever dare raise their voice to me, roll their eyes, be rude or not clean up after themselves. We don't raise our voices at them either, so practice what we preach.

Pocket money, phone contracts etc are paid for on condition they do their chores, own laundry and beds, bins, walk dog, keep their rooms clean, mow lawn, hoover etc. They just do it, never moan and they get their money, Xbox time, hobbies etc. We all live here, so we must all look after our home.

Why are you continuing to give them money, let them access games and phones, cleaning up after them etc if they're showing you such disrespect? How are they going to treat others if they treat their own mother like this?

@Babyshambles90 I agree lovebombing (in the therapeutic sense) works well with teenagers, even if they do look a bit sulky at the start! I hate the phrase 'quality time' but it does work to break negative patterns, the old 'chat in the car' trick does also work pretty well.

You could work together with their dad and agree that pocket money now comes with conditions because they're taking the piss.

A certain amount for chores and a certain bonus amount for actually being decent human beings, talking to you and each other respectfully.

Take their phones off them and keep them off. 30 mins a day to catch up with messages. You'll see changed kids after 3-4 days.

Is the father involved in the upbringing?

What a load of absolute wank.
Plenty of teenagers can be arseholes, but I don't believe it's normal or typical, some kids are just horrible.
Toughen up and stop being a walkover. Stop the money at the very least.

I wouldn't put up with any of this. I wouldn't let them speak to me so disrespectfully. Why did you ever let it get so bad. Start saying : "don't speak to me like that". Turn the WiFi off.

I don’t understand why you are rolling over and allowing them to treat you like dirt? Where are the boundary’s and consequences for poor behaviour?

Also, you don’t have to give them an allowance. It’s not mandatory.

My DS occasionally gets grumpy but I talk to him to try to find out what the problem is and then get him to think about how his behaviour can negatively impact others.

I think you need to use these holidays as a period to reset the entire family dynamic. You take charge, not them!

Frustrating. I'd stop the allowance. I had to get a paper round at 13 for any spare money. My parents would pay for Guides/ Scouts/ St Johns Ambulance, and basic clothes. If I wanted something particular, I had to earn and save myself.

I'd also not bother cooking. If they are so rude. Just do your own meal.

Do you have your own bathroom, or is there only one main family bathroom? This may make it easier/ harder to just stop cleaning it up.

Allowance for what?
Get summer jobs! Saturday jobs etc. Paper rounds etc.
Sorry but your going to have to make major changes as they do sound impossible.
Allowance! I can't get over that.

I used to help my oarents at home but never got an allowance. I got a Job at 16 and worked my butt off to pay for everything I wanted / needed including university.

You need to to cold turkey with them.
They are old enough to help prep and make simple meals.

Thank you so much for this. My grandkiddo is 9 going on 30- I hope her parents read this and take it to heart.

Teens are vile I expected-

No rudeness/nasty comments
Pots in the dishwasher
Rinse the bath if needed
Clean the toilet if needed

If they didn't follow this they lost their phone I'd usually do a few hours (long enough to bother them but not so long there wasn't any incentive to behave)

Pocket money- they each did two jobs a week before they received it.- empty dishwasher once each then one emptied bins and the other changed all the bedding. They also did their own washing.

They are in their twenties now and lovely

YANBU op at all, and I can’t stand it when other posters come on and say things like “I would have nipped this in the bud years ago”, it’s so holier than thou. And I can’t stand the term “snowflake” either because no parent of teens is that.

My primary school dc had rules, and did chores every week for pocket money without fail, and were generally cheerful, respectful and compliant.

Then adolescence struck like a tsunami and took away all of that and replaced it with the behaviour you describe so well op.

The only thing you can do is be there, hold the line, and hang in there until it gets better, and as you say, try not to go insane and try and take regular time out by focusing on your own life and hobbies.

Don't take any criticism personally, ignore the eye rolls, listen to the emotions behind the words, not the words themselves, pick your battles and model the behaviour you want them to emulate, keep the lines of communication open, make sure you start each day afresh and don’t get in to a negative cycle, and don’t forget to tell them you love them.

Don’t take any nonsense. Just walk away when they speak disrespectfully, EVERY time, walk out of the door there and then if you need to, even in the middle of cooking dinner, Stress that you will listen to what they have to say but only if it is said respectfully.

Any complaints about ridiculous stuff - take them as a cue that it’s time they do their own laundry, cooking and cleaning.and when their bedrooms get unsavoury, and they’ve shed all over the bathroom, change the wi-fi code until everything is done.

Good luck op and enjoy every second of those coastal walks. You are a good parent. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Cut the WiFi, leave for the day. Repeat. Give them a pre-warning and write down the house rules (emptying pockets, cleaning up after themselves etc) break the rules WiFi goes off.

Im assuming you did all this too! I’d love to hear if you did off your child 😆

Oh I’m sorry, I know this isn’t funny and I have similar challenges with two teenage boys.

But this comment has ended me Lol: “Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!“

Have you seen ‘Little brother Kev’? Def worth a view on YouTube if nothing else but to give you a laugh.

Stop their money now. Stop the nice mum act. You've raised them to be like this! And it stops today.

I don't understand why they are getting an allowance when they haven't done chores. If they didn't have an allowance then they wouldn't be eating pizza. They dont need an allowance. Buy what they need like food and deodorant etc and make them work and clean up for anything more.

Put a rota up for who's doing what on and on what day.

If you need to....take away the Xbox. Be a parent. Yes....they are 14 and 15 but they are still kids, still having to love at home and while they live at home have to abide by your rules.

My son will never be allowed to waste the whole holiday on a games console but I'm a strict parent and will be until he's 18.

All this and neither you or their dad should give them a penny until they show you some basic decency.
And as another poster said - shout! I’d have lost my verbal shit a long time ago, it’s a horrible way to live.

This 👆 Good advice. The other thing I would recommend with the house meeting (which I would institutionalise) is at least 4 meals eaten together - no phones - a week.
Also ; and I don’t know whether this will help you but I remind myself that my kids have been scheduled up to their eyeballs with school. The first bit of the holidays is a big readjustment.
I do a family calendar of the holidays and print it off and stick it on to the fridge. Super useful to bring it to family meeting and help the kids divvy up the holidays. Make sure there are some constructive things in there to look forward to that you pay for and do with both or one. We have found that this ‘map’ helps them know what’s going on and adds to the sense that their enjoyment is in balance with the things I’m asking them to do. I’m constantly reminding them “what are you planning to do today that’s constructive ?”
They are not that old really (although old enough to speak to you nicely most of the time and help out). Making things feel like you are in it together not just atomised people sitting on tech might help. I warned my kids “I’m happy to pay for x,y,z and facilitate fun times but you have to put them on the calendar and you have to help me in the holidays so that I can have a break too.” Pointing out that it’s a lot more work when they are home from school. Good luck! My two can still really drive me up the wall but they know that they can’t act like entitled arses or the fun stuff won’t happen.

P.S we make a lot of ‘deals’ in our family which also works to take the heat out of things!

Don’t forget to put your own nice things on there too - to reinforce the message that your happiness is also planned for and counts

I think its normal for kids to say "x is allowed to do that". I know I used to do it. Can I go here everyones going. Then we would drive past one of my friends house and my dad would ask if they were going.... erm no.

Oh op. This is so sad for you. Whatever has lead to this point stops now. Time to take back your life.
first of all. Go out for the day leaving a note. ‘Gone out, don’t know when I’ll be home’ don’t answer phone calls have a day out with friends including dinner and drinks and get home after 10. They can sort themselves out for dinner.

stop doing their washing. They’re old enough to do their own. If you’re feeling kind, leave them some instructions.

insist on a week or two at their dads this summer. Non negotiable.

Have a couple of nights off each week from cooking dinner. (Or all of the holidays!) you can get yourself a dinner, go out. They can fend for themselves.

you can tell them that you love them but do not like them. The way they treat you and your house and the total lack of respect.

print off info on the schools near their dad. Leave it lying around……if they ask, you tell them you are at breaking point and cannot deal with them anymore, they will have to go and live with him…

You sound like a great mum.

But now to be the best mum for them you need to are back.

Spend some time making house rules.

Privileges are earned.

They get an allowance - basic. If they want the rest to the level they usually get they need to do chores. That includes washing up, washing clothes, cleaning bathroom after themselves.
No more lifts.

It's great your XH is on board so get him onboard with this re his allowance too.

Then learn to grey rock.

Any awful insults from them just rely with "you know how to solve that" and then walk away. Don't hang around for them to argue - let them argue with themselves in an empty room.

And continue things like not doing their washing of pockets are full, socks are bunched etc.

Don't wash up after them. Have your own set of crockery and lock it away. If they don't have something to eat off they need to wash up.

As hard as it will be to live in a mess for a while they will eventually have to step up - and you won't have to look at it whilst your out having your lovely walks and lunches!

You need to get tough OP.

Don't stand for their attitude.

I don't have any advice but I can offer solidarity. My two, 18 and 17 are taking the piss. 18 just breezes in and out, often with her boyfriend in tow, barely bothers to speak to us, doesn't let us know where she going if when she will be back, leaves her crap everywhere.
17 a bit better but was basically in bed all day yesterday until she emerged wanting a lift somewhere at 7pm.
I've sent 18 a message this morning telling her she needs to exercise some basic courtesy. This usually elicits an angry response or no response at all, but I'm just so disappointed in her behaviour. She wasn't raised this way and it's come out of nowhere these last few months.

I will be having some words with 17 when she gets up today.

We are taking them both on holiday to Greece (they wanted to come), on Thursday. At this point I'm not looking forward to it and I don't really want them to come if I'm honest.