Been told my child is very weird and childish

[Gee54]

I don’t know where to go from here. I got told by a mum in my daughters class that people say she’s very silly and weird. My daughter is 10 years old. How can I fix this? Where to start from? She’s the eldest of 3 kids. I don’t want this to continue into secondary school. Not first time I’ve realised this but hearing someone else say it has upset me. I e spoken to her school and her lovely teacher but they all say it’s slightly immaturity but as a summer born (August birthday) it has been seen in others too. School don’t think it’s anything to worry about and the SEN lead observed her a few months back and said she’s fine and doesn’t think it’s anything ND related. It’s just hearing the mum say this today has upset me.

btw guides/ brownies will not help a child who has 'divergent' communication tbh - tried and failed with my own child for that.

They need real understanding around them of why they are behaving that way.

Also - social stories - so you sit and you say - what happens when other children hear you say \poop is funny' - do they laugh? do you miind when they walk away because they don't like it? try to guide her to udnerstanding.

sadly the reality is if she is behaving very differently to her peers - she is not going to have as many friends - does she mind though would be my question?

Also - this is NOTHING to do with you as a parent - its not that you didn't arrange enough playdates etc - its that your child probably didn't end up socialising as much because it isn't something she finds easy or enjoys like other kids do.

Two things here. The other mother was potentially unkind and unhelpful depending on how she said it -although I would want to know if it was me.

But that sort of behaviour really needs reining in-she's old enough to understand that she needs to stop it. Is that it, or does she say/do other unusual things too.

Sometimes kids that struggle to understand how to join in or make friends just blurt something out to try and get a laugh and join in, but 10 seems a bit old to still be doing that.
Does she have a friendship group?
10 year old girls are quite mature nowadays rightly or wrongly and I think most would find it silly and childish.
Lots of good advice and perhaps go back to the school Senco and tell her about the poop thing. She might have only observed her in a teaching situation.
It was unkind the way you were told and that's just childish as well! She could have worded it better.
Sometimes though as parents we can't see how odd the usual little quirks to us have become in the wider world.

I guess my view may be controversial but I actually think the other mother was probably trying to be kind and helpful, putting this on your radar.

Your daughter is behaving oddly. This is unhelpful for her in primary school but will be worse in senior school where 'being weird' can be the kiss of death. Can guarantee social isolation. Best you know now so you can hopefully get the bottom of things and - if possible - iron it out. This mother has done you and your daughter a favour but putting you in the picture.

I'd have her assessed for possible NDs. They can present in myriad subtle ways in girls.

If she really is just being silly and annoying then maybe you need to have some difficult conversations with her about the possible consequences of distinguishing herself amongst her peer group for all of the wrong reasons.

Hard. Bless you.. Good luck with it all

Does your dd do any hobbies, sports or drama? Does she play an instrument? How does she spent her time at home? Perhaps she don'ts feel she has anything more relatable to say. Does she have access to tiktok?

I would read into asd yourself maybe school have missed it. If she is coming across as immature/weird there could be asd clues. I would ask gp for a referral if you still have concerns. The other mum overstepped. Maybe it was said as a friend. But it’s none of her business.

TikTok is for 13+ not 10 YO

I've been in the position of the other mum, only with a cousin.

I know cousin struggled with friendships at school, and I suspect probably would get an autism diagnosis nowadays. I've had several times when they've related something to me and I could tell that they hadn't got the real meaning behind what was said.

Anyway their dd was silly in a similar way at that age. Cousin smiled proudly and said wasn't it lovely that they could be themselves and children nowadays were so tolerant of different people, and she was so confident with others.
I kept quiet, but I could see that when we went out, although cousin would tell me how her dd made friends with everyone because she would go up to anyone, that other children were actively avoiding her. Cousin was telling me that they were playing nicely and it was all down to how sociable her dd was.

When she was 12/13 I took her out with my ds and she started doing this to him. He asked her several times to stop it, and she replied, "I can't help it, I'm just built to talk about it all the time". He replied "in that case I'm going to play on my phone because I don't want to talk about that."
Interestingly immediately she stopped and for the rest of the day was very sensible and lovely.

Now fast forward to now. She's nearly in her 20s. She still does it. Cousin can't understand why she doesn't have friends. Her dd struggles with feeling left out, but cousin tells her to be herself and real friends like you for who you are.

That's true. Real friends do like you for who you are. But when what you want to do makes other people uncomfortable, you're unlikely to make friends who are going to see past that.

I did once try to say to cousin that sometimes you need to try fit in to make friends. She was not impressed.

Sometimes I wonder whether I should have tried to say more. I'm not certain it would have worked, and I know cousin would have gone up the wall. But I do wonder whether her dd would be happier if someone had tried to help her to see what was unhelpful when trying to make friends.

So what I'm saying is that it's possible the other mother was being nasty. But, maybe she was trying to give a head's up to the Op. It's hard to hear these things about our dc, but sometimes being given an insight how others see us/our dc can help us guide them to make choices over behaviour etc that will make things easier for them in later life. And we'd all like an easy life, wouldn't we?

I think this is a common theme to talk about poo, farts, bums at this age. The other children laugh and it encourages them to do it again. This woman is rude. Your child is just exploring and being humorous. It seems unusual to us as adults don't talk about these things :)

But nobody's laughing. There's no encouragement.

Maybe in Year 1, but not going into Year 6.

Argh…this is such a difficult situation, OP. Does your daughter have a friendship group at all?

So the children don't laugh or react when she says it?

I understand you want to talk to her and reading on (it's a long thread) can see she has been excluded from some parties. I'm sorry to hear that.

Is it possible to e mail her teacher with concerns and ask for some support/advice. I appreciate you may have broken up from school now.

Hello OP, my son does very similar and he's 14, with diagnosed ADHD and ASD. He is very mature in other ways as he could also spend a long time talking to you about complex things like the political situation in the middle east. He has had a fascination for 💩 for as long as I can remember and would do the types of things that you described in your post, make repetitive comments about 💩 and continue to do so no matter how many times I tried to explain that it wasn't appropriate, going to make him friends or get him a good reputation. The repetitive and immature nature, as well as the not being able to get through to your daughter struck a chord with me.
I would definitely say don't let a SENCO stop you thinking about neurodiversity. To be honest they are not experts and often have both minimal experience and training. If your daughter has any other traits, behaviours or challenges - do your own research and see if they fit - go back to the SENCO with your reasons and case for the referral. Girls definitely present differently and often go under the radar for a long time.
Autistic girls network and ADHD foundation are good places to start. If things start making sense in terms of traits, build a case to ask the SENCO for a referral for an assessment.
Do also request a referral to SaLT from the SENCO.

Beyond this in fact, as in OP’s case, other kids actively avoid her child because of this behaviour

I think the other parent was kind to let you know what was happening, as you had concerns about your DD being socially excluded. Not being in the classroom with them, it's almost impossible to work out how things are playing out when you've only your DD's impressions to go on.

My eldest was very late receiving ASD diagnosis and in rettospect it made sense of so much, so don't assume a school SEN worker will be that up to snuff on things.

I hope looking for SaLT support is successful. You sound a lovely, caring mum who wants the best for your daughter.

How do you know? Were you there?

Or was it one girl who said EVERYBODY thinks she’s weird and her mum JUST had to mention it. They sound like two peas in a pod.

Why on earth would you say anything it’s just mean.

Kids are no one borg. And I’m glad of that. Who wants their kid to act like every single other one?

Kids should be silly and weird as growing up takes all the fun out of life.

I’d pick weird over a card board cut out any day

I'm not normally one for pushing diagnosis labels first thing...but OP, I must admit your daughter does sound socially awkward and immature.
Does she show other signs of autism?

That Mum was very blunt and a bit unkind but I had to do similar once when a Mum in DS year asked me if I knew why nobody would play with her son.
He was really really annoying and very imature for Y6. While he wasn't being actively bullied the other kids tended to vanish in the playground when they saw him coming. I hope I did it as kindly as possible, she didn't fall out with me or anything.
If your DD is still behaving like that in Y7 OP she might have a really tough time.
Its all very well the kids being themselves but sometimes we all need to dial it back a bit at least while we are getting to know people.

Op wouldn’t be concerned and speaking to another mum about why her daughter isn’t invited or included if it was just one child finding her silly.
Op sounds very on the ball and caring. Much kinder to look into things now not just dismiss it as other mum was being mean/all the other kids are being awful to her.

She will be enjoying the attention she is getting from it, whether it's good attention or bad

People need to stop reacting

ffs!

The people that are suggesting SN are weird!

This kid is still finding herself. Give her a break! We don’t all mature and follow the in crowd at the same rate.

OP if you’re still reading this - just tell her to quit it with the poop talk. She most likely hasn’t got additional needs. I worked with kids for over 10 years and honestly most of them were bat shit. I see them out and about and they are all grown up and fine.

Your DD just hasn’t found her people yet, secondary school will open up a new life for her

I wasn't there, no...
But from the op - it was said to help me understand why other kids don’t want DD around it invite her to birthday parties

No, the other mum mentioned it. Off the back of what her dd said. I’ve three girls and girls can be fucking mean to each other. I take all the shit I get told after school with a pinch of salt because friendship groups change daily.

No way would I repeat this back to a mum.

Why don’t you try reading the thread. OP already told her daughter to stop and she won’t as she finds it funny. OP is concerned as the daughter is left out and not invited to things and this Mum has told her why. Do you really think kids secondary school are going to entertain ‘I like poop’ when lots of girls are starting to go through puberty and get periods? It’s too immature and needs ironing out before she goes to high school or she’ll be even more socially excluded