Been told my child is very weird and childish

[Gee54]

I don’t know where to go from here. I got told by a mum in my daughters class that people say she’s very silly and weird. My daughter is 10 years old. How can I fix this? Where to start from? She’s the eldest of 3 kids. I don’t want this to continue into secondary school. Not first time I’ve realised this but hearing someone else say it has upset me. I e spoken to her school and her lovely teacher but they all say it’s slightly immaturity but as a summer born (August birthday) it has been seen in others too. School don’t think it’s anything to worry about and the SEN lead observed her a few months back and said she’s fine and doesn’t think it’s anything ND related. It’s just hearing the mum say this today has upset me.

This sort of behaviour is very typical of someone who would previously have been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. When you have ASD you can be up to 3 years behind in emotional maturity. Around this age is when the gap starts to widen and you stop being able put their behaviour down to their age. This is around when DS got diagnosed. The report from his teachers including the SEN lead made him sound perfect! I definitely wouldn't rely on them to recognise what's going on.

In isolation I wouldn't dream of diagnosing your child by my DD is childish and immature and my neice similar. My DD wouldn't dream of talking about poop but my neice would. Both are ASD. For both the school said they really didn't see a problem ... until we actually got the diagnoses.

A quick list of other traits that act as a bit of an "ohhhh, maybe it's worth looking into" would be:
Food oddities; wanting food separate on the plate, fussiness, only eating or drinking a limited range of things. E.g. my DD is 13 and ONLY drinks water.
Clothing oddities; Being really fussy about the feel of underwear, the noises made by things like rain coats, being out of step with their peers styles.
Sensory oddities; being funny about noises (hand dryers, rustling, noisy places) and trying to avoid them. Avoiding certain textures.
People communication oddities; being "shy" or not being able to hold a "normal conversation". Saying inappropriate things. Not getting the joke. Not liking physical contact or only liking it with a limited number of people.
Hobbies oddities; extreme focus on a hobby or having a hobby others would think of as odd.

There's also fine motor issues, clumsiness, slowness to learn basic skills like shoe tying, inappropriate anger or meltdowns that seems out of proportion, demand avoidance.

Not saying you need all or that this is in any way an exhaustive list but if you are nodding along to a lot of it then maybe a bit more investigation isn't a bad thing. My DD goes to mainstream school and looks like a shy and a little odd early teenager. She is "quirky". Most of her struggles are well hidden in school and only really show once she is home and safe and really have been hidden more at home until her recent ASD diagnosis. Now we talk about things more and I am getting a better view of what she can and can't do. Looking back at her as a baby / young child I can now see all these issues but at the time I could reason them away, just thought she was quirky, assumed they were due to her hearing loss, blamed it on my own odd communication style etc..

Yes, but you're all adults. Girls at the youngest end of secondary school are highly unlikely to put up with it, and work on getting to know DD better.

100% I had the same thoughts and have seem similar things with girls

Many girls mask really, really well through primary school and it all goes pear-shaped when they hit puberty.

I would at least have autism on your radar for considering and investigating, OP, as she starts to head into puberty.

It sounds like she might be trying to fit in or get attention rather than be ignored maybe ? Is she happy with her friendships or is she a bit of a loner ?

Is the other mum the mum of her particular friend or someone more random !? does she have much to do with your daughter ? Or is she just someone barely known thinking she should comment ? Does she matter in your child’s world .

Fundamentally the mum sounds like she is lacking in social skills herself . Though as a precaution I would dig about as to what’s causing this sort of behaviour . It may be a harmless lack of maturity, but there maybe something more behind it .

If your daughter is struggling on ways to fit in then you need to help her find better ways to fit . Find out what kids of her age tend to like and make sure she can talk the talk if fitting in is the problem.

On the whole children seem to talk about absolute rubbish at times in my experience, but knowing how to start social interactions will help her throughout her life .

It's not fine for a ten year old to act like a five year old though.

It could be she’s just struggling to fit in and is trying to be the clown to get there or it could be there is something more at play such as adhd / autism.

I can’t say it’s a phase any of mine have had poop talking wise to say oh yeah that’s totally normal 10 year old behaviour to laugh at poop, my 8 year old would find it strange.

My friend however has a daughter with medically recognised delays and she finds all the poops and farts hilarious and will say it to whoever whenever she wishes. She’s also behind educationally too and would be very much described as immature and weird by her peers. Her own mum recognises this.

Hi OP,

I think you’ve been really brave and open in your response to what you’ve heard fro the other mum. It sounds like her intention was with empathy.

I recently had training on how differently girls present with ND to boys. And much of the literature and training is based on boys presentation. Not saying your daughter has ND / ASD, but it could be worth you looking into and being aware of specific presentations with girls. I was surprised at the very little training teachers have in this area and how outdated this can be.

☝️ This is absolutely true ( speaking as a teacher)

OP I'm not sure if you'll edge towards the comments agreeing it's weird or more the 'she's a child it's fine' but please don't traumatise your daughter with therapy or 'social interaction lessons' or anything of the sort just because she doesn't act like the 'cool' kids 😔

She is still a child and making her change who she is or pretend to be someone else to fit in with peers that are forced to grow up too quickly due to societal norms will only lead to other issues later in life, and it certainly won't make her happy.

I was a weird kid and I didn't have many friends, but after being forced to 'grow up' 'act my age', etc I ended up having boyfriends way too young, developed a bad attitude because I thought it made me cool - basically became even more sad and lonely because no one really liked me for me.

As long as your daughter is happy right now leave her be.

I’d maybe try and work on her self esteem, I found navigating friendships hard as a child and often (and still do) mask with humour and trying to be funny to make friends. I’ve recently realised that I may be neurodiverse so I wouldn’t rule that out as other posters have said but I also suffered from a major lack of self esteem and I think the trying to be weird and funny for attention was a result of that for me.

Your child is childish - well heavens above!

I had an August birthday child and she too was more childish (whatever that actually means) than her peers.

Who was this Mum who said this to you? I would steer clear of her.

Children get one stab at childhood - let her enjoy it while she may!

The OP has updated to say her daughter is already being excluded and isn't being invited to birthday parties, and that the other mother didn't speak unkindly.

To those saying she's just being silly and fun, well, her behaviour is already having upsetting consequences. It shouldn't be ignored.

Have your tried getting her into cubs? It is for boys and girls now. She might enjoy it more. DS loved it. There were lots of outdoor activities, lots of running around. DD was quite bored at Brownies as it was nearly always indoors and involved some sort of very basic crafting activity.

Also don't rule out neurodiversity just because of one observation. Maybe push for a proper assessment through the school.

I think she was being kind and also courageous, and it seems your daughter has been an outsider in the class/ year group for a while now.

Don't let the grass grow under you as you seek to address the concerns.

She could be behind in social interaction skills, doesn't know how to initiate conversation with peers. She may have said it once, got a laugh from someone and thought it's an icebreaker. Speak to the SENCO ask if they can do some role play - they normally have groups where they get the kids to practice areas of skills used to build friendships. She may have an underlying condition - but this would be my first starting point. Keep reinforcing that it's not an appropriate opener or topic.

This. If the OP's child is unhappy and feels left out, then this situation needs to be addressed rather than just telling her to "be herself".

As parents we should definitely be our children's cheerleaders but we also need to be their gentle but honest critics if they're getting things a bit wrong imo.

Yeah, she's probably loving the social exclusion, not being invited to parties, etc

It's a fine balance though, acceptance vs social rules, making them aware of what's appropriate. There's a lovely social coach in my area that has helped my dd whilst still being affirming.

I do think kids vary a lot in maturity even at age 13 or any age really there is a big range.

Yeah because kids who are included and go to parties don't have anxiety about it? 🤔

Parents who allow their child to purposefully not invite kids they find "weird" are awful, like if your kid wants to invite their 5 closest friend to a party fine. But if you invite the whole class bar 1 that's shameful. Likelihood is if that child isn't liked by your child they probably don't like your child either and won't go but to not invite 🤨 especially in primary school when they're so little

I think you need to give some more examples. My 9 year old still finds poo funny and I'm not worried.

If I was 9 and had issues with say Sarah, and I got an invite to her party. Id say "yeah I don't want to go to that"

It’s often noticeable in a group setting. It’s hard to describe as lots can be brushed off as oh all kids do that but when it’s always that child it perhaps points to something more going on.
Lots of our 10/11 yr old guides are definitely not the cool kids (no phones) so it’s not that all the others are too grown up.
It’s things like not knowing how to make conversation with peers, inappropriate topics of conversation often repeated or discussed at length, inability to read the room eg giggling during a talk from police officer when everyone else listening, interrupting adults speaking, the one always being silly, doing things that you would expect from a toddler not a 10 year old eg putting things in mouth, climbing on furniture, losing belongings.