Husband’s secret life

[melodia7]

I went through DH’s phone the other day and found some messages with another woman where they had communicated for about 5 days straight.

I confronted him about it and firstly he got annoyed that I went through his phone again and that is why he never leaves it lying around because he says without fail if I see it I will try and find something to get upset about.

There wasn’t much to the messages. One day DH sent her a ‘wakey wakey’ message in the morning. Another day the lady expressed she had her divorce finalisation and DH said they should celebrate with a vegan wrap. He used some smiley faces but they were not usually reciprocated.

When I confronted DH, he said that they connected late last year when they were in the same company that was going through a tough time and a number of coworkers had left and they decided to brainstorm some side hustles as a backup plan. I remember him floating some of these ideas to me last year. DH has since left the company but their office is close by so they occasionally meet up (monthly). He said the vegan wrap is a takeaway place they go for lunch sometimes. He said he bumped into one of our mutual friends last time he was there. He said he mentioned celebrating the divorce closure with a wrap to try and lighten her mood, though I found it insensitive.

DH is the type who doesn’t have many guy friends and generally finds it easier to get close to females. He is quite a gentle person.

I am upset because I found these messages with a woman who I’ve never met or heard about. DH said he has previously casually invited the woman to our area so we can all meet since she has a child of the same age as ours, but it has never happened as they are quite far away. He also said he hasn’t really discussed her with me because he didn’t find it particularly significant.

I feel like he has a whole secret life when he goes to work that I know nothing about.

AIBU?

Sounds like a work friend.
Do you have reason to not trust him? What made you look through his phone?

I'm not really understanding the problem, based on what you've shared.

Does he have a history of cheating that has made you wary?
Can you trust your gut, or are you prone to worrying about your relationship security?

You went through his phone again?
Is there a back story?
I’ve never been through dh’s phone. Well except to help him find a message because he’s rubbish with technology.

The going through phone is a whole other issue, but has he never mentioned this friend?

Yes it's suspicious that he having a friendship with someone and has not shared it with you.

Dd they meet? How long has he had the friend? Why hasn't he mentioned her?

It's not about accusations but these are the things I'd want to know. Are you worried? Do you think it's an affair? Has anything happened before to make you mistrust him?

Do you work?

You say "there wasn't much to the messages" and after she posted about her divorce being settled, he posted about celebrating with a vegan wrap. This is the sort of thing you would post to a friend, or acquaintance, male or female in response to this sort of message in order to respond (in a nice way, and sometimes you do have to respond to a message). I could be completely wrong, and they could be having a torrid affair, but I very much doubt it. It might sound like she is testing the water, and maybe she is, but your husband, on the face of things sounds like he isn't interested and is simply being polite. I think you going through his phone messages (you say again, so it is not the first time) is odd, I have met different male colleagues, sometimes alone and had drinks and meals with them, and never felt the need to cheat on my OH - although if my texts, had they been scrutinised, they would have have been a bit pedestrian "do you want to meet in X place or Y place" but equally, sometimes more personal, or bitchy about the people we work with. Certainly, it would have been explained away easily had OH felt the need to question, which he didn't because he did not feel the need to take my phone and examine the messages. I absolutely get that there is nothing worse than to be cheated on and fooled - but a close second is not to be trusted when you are committed to a person and doing absolutely nothing wrong.

You have breached his trust, and having found some innocuous messages, are now suggesting he has done something wrong?
This is bordering on controlling, and yes YABU.
Apologise and work on your own issues.

Complaining about invasion of privacy is always the first port of call for the guilty husband. What a dick. Look up “The Script”.

I think if he were cheating, he might go for something a bit more than a vegan wrap haha.

I work in a small business with one other person. Actually I floated the idea of quitting to spend more time with the kids, and he said if I have too much free time my imagination will make me suspicious, which I found suspicious which is why I wanted to check his phone.

So if he had a female friend that he'd told you about, what then? You don't like it but if it's innocent, are you entitled to object? I don't think so. I've got a male friend that DP knows about and doesn't like. We have a little chat and swap silly cartoons and jokes most days.

So based on what you've read here, you think in this is an affair?

You sound very controlling OP.

A secret life is when you find out that your supposed loving and attentive DH is shacked up with someone else 75 miles away and has two kids and a couple of cats with her. Not that he's sent a friendly message to a work colleague.

His point about you needing a job to help keep your mind busy to avoid just this scenario screams that you are in the habit of being suspicious and controlling. YABU.

Having friends isn't 'a secret life', it's being a normal human being.

Having a friend doesn't mean he has a secret life. It means he had a friend.

Unless it was a typo and he meant vagina wrap, it seems pretty harmless.

Why do you think it's ok to go through his phone and read his messages? Do you have reason not to trust him? I would never let someone go through my phone, it's such an invasion of privacy

😆

Going against the grain. I think a ‘wakey wakey’ call is suspicious. That’s quite intimate.
It also means he thinks of her when he wakes.

I think he may be interested in her, even if she is not interested in him.

Yes I agree with the pp that it appears that he is interested in her.

They have obviously been talking about her divorce and " celebrating" it together, as he suggested" makes it sound as though he at least is hoping for something more from their relationship.

Wakeup messages are also a bad sign - that he is thinking of her in his first thoughts of the morning.
I think you are right to think he is looking outside your marriage.

Well, he is not wrong is he? First of all, going through someone's phone is an offence. Yes, people don't tend to report their own family members to the police but that doesn't make it OK to look through their personal possessions.
Secondly, you clearly invented a whole story out of a set of innocuous messages between work friends. If I were your husband, I'd run and run fast.

I don't think there's anything odd about having social relationships at work your partner knows nothing about, nor would I tell my husband who I had lunch with or texted outside of work. It may be your OH is flirting with someone but I don't necessarily think that's anything to worry about and the texts don't seem incriminating to me

I work for a large company and have been there a long time. I've got lots of work acquaintances and a few have turned into friends

I've just looked at my WhatsApp and I have messages with 5 men and 2 women from work as our business is pretty male dominated..

They range from asking for a copy of an agenda to some banter and meme sharing. I have woken up one colleague with a message checking in after I knew he was unwell. I've got lots around food and lunch orders. Some with office gossip

I can categorically say I haven't mentioned these messages to my DH because they are the most mundane inconsequential messages. My DH might recognise the names of some but not all of them.

Some I go for lunch with on occasion. Some I see less regularly

They couldn't be more bland or platonic if they tried

If my DH found my phone, went through it and then used these messages about pasta salad, our boss's mismatched shoes or what time the meeting starts to accuse me of a secret life I think he'd lost the plot

Lol. This sort of thing has come up before...
What is the suggested method for handling this sort of thing?

Your partner is super jealous and reads into stuff, so you know if you tell them about another person of the opposite sex, even if casual and friendly, that they'll blow it up into something big...

But if you don't tell them (hoping they'll never find out because you want to avoid all the drama), if the DO find out, they'll read even more into it.

I don't blame people 100% for taking the risk. It's not a life to live, you're always treading on eggshells.

In this instance, I honestly think she's just a colleague that he's trying to support and be friendly with.