My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

Sorry I missed this.

They know something is off but I’ve actually been sick and felt dreadful so I’m hoping that they think it’s that.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s interesting to see both sides.

I think the first line sums it up for me though. I don’t want to have to keep a watchful eye on my husband. I just want ti know that he is telling me the truth without feeling like I have to check. I just can’t imagine a life where that is my reality.

Thank you. I feel like I’ve failed them somehow with all of this though I know it’s not my fault. They don’t deserve to have their life upended like this.

My mum would be furious. She’d be telling me not to put up with this shit and that if he didn’t appreciate what he had there are plenty out there that would. She was so strong always and she made me strong too. I wish she was here.

I think this is a good way forward thank you. I’ve barely slept a wink but I think I’ve got my head around things a lot more now and I know that there are things I can do when we get back. Hopefully I find it easier to face him today, I was so disgusted with his behaviour when I found out yesterday I could barely look at him.

I agree he should be trying to make this up to all of us and make the holiday amazing, I will put that to him and see how he reacts. Thanks again.

Always, always, always assume a contact offence. At best he tried to screw around. He's a liar and will lie and there's always more.

Go to chumplady site for support so you won't have to read garbage from mras and manpanderers.

There are lots of options. Check his Google maps history to see where's he's been. The history will go back quite far. You can also recover photos he's deleted from his phone by logging into his Google account timeline. I caught a photo my ex had deleted that way. It was of him and his married mistress cuddling. 🤮 Check the GPS on the car to see where he's been as well.
Get a voice activated recorder, leave it under what he he usually sits on and leave the house for hours.
Your cellular provider can probably retrieve what numbers he's called recently. The printout will will also show how long the calls were.
I think he's a cheater. He shows the classic signs.

This. Just tell people the truth. He's a liar and will trash you behind your back. You don't owe him any loyalty and everyone should be warned what he's like. Not saying rant and rave or use family as a therapist but don't be tricked into supporting a bullshit version of him. He's disloyal. No need to lie for him.

Right. He was the initiator and wanted to take it further.
He's most likely going to do it again, sad to say.

He’s already ruined your holiday, but that doesn’t mean you have to share accommodation. He should either find another room/hotel; or go back home and make arrangements to find somewhere else to live. If you can’t enjoy your holiday, at least take the time for yourself without him there in your room.

He can explain to your children why he’s leaving, or getting another room. Your children will be there for you. I’m sorry the holiday is tainted for you, and that this has happened. You deserve better.

Thank you I will think about this. I just don’t want the kids to be disappointed in him. I lost my dad young but he was my hero too. I would hate to think he could’ve done this to my mum. I don’t want to hurt them, but maybe that involves explaining things in an age appropriate way so that they understand rather than pretending it’s not happening.

God I hate hearing this but I know you are right. Thank you, it really is giving me strength.

Again, tough to hear but likely true. Even if he didn’t I would never know and I’m not sure I can live with that. It’s just so hard as he’s been my best friend for over 20 years.

We had a talk this morning and both cried and he seemed so genuine. But then I read the messages and think that if he cared about me at all he wouldn’t have been saying those things to another woman. I still can’t believe he’s done this but I’ve seen it did myself do I just need to learn to accept it. I’m so embarrassed that he chose her too. I know her. I liked her. They are both disgusting.

We have two rooms as kids are teens and I’m sharing with dd so we’re not sleeping together. I am taking time to myself and the kids were lovely last night when I was ill. I’ve genuinely never had a physical reaction like that to something emotional. I couldn’t stop vomiting and couldn’t eat or sleep. I feel more positive this morning though and making the best of it. I’m so grateful for everyone’s advice, I feel so much less alone now. Thank you.

OP I would really recommend no more talks with him where he gets to be ‘genuine’ or cry, it just makes it harder and more complicated for you.

It is not your job to explain it to the kids, let him figure that one out.

I am really sorry your mum isn’t here to help you, but it sounds like her voice and presence is still strong in your head. Follow that voice xx

Thank you. I could and may still do all of this (except for the phone records as these are work phones so I don’t have access to them) but as several pp’s have said I don’t actually need to know more. What I do know about is betrayal enough and I don’t think it would hurt any more if he had slept with her so it really doesn’t matter.

This morning he said that he liked showing off to her. She liked the cars and the attention. Aside from that he has no explanation and says she is nothing to him and nothing physical happened. I can’t understand how he could send those messages to someone who apparently is nothing to him. He clearly just doesn’t want to tell me which is his choice. I also can’t believe he’s compromised his business - everything he’s worked for since we’ve been together - at risk as well as his own reputation.

He’s been a pathetic middle aged man and she wouldn’t have looked twice at him without the cars (he is handsome but a bit heavier and not her type at all). He may want her for her body but that’s not why she’s giving him the time of day (although that’s not to say they aren’t sleeping together). It’s just such a bloody cliche and I didn’t think he would fall into that trap, I’m embarrassed for the pair of them.

Thank you, I know you are right but to be honest I was upset and I just needed a cuddle. Pathetic I know but he’s always been my best friend as well as my husband. I can’t and won’t put this on the kids now - my emotions that is - but I agree, he should be the one to explain himself when we get back.

My mum is definitely with me in spirit and she would be telling me all of the same things as you.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe, my heart goes out to you.

Your H has felt entitled to pursue an illicit adventure with this OW, a woman you know well. He can downplay all he wants, but he’s been love-bombing her with emotionally/sexually charged energy, language and actions [she’s the greatest, misses her, wants her in his life, picks her up for a spin like a boyfriend, makes a work car happen for her, plus more that cut deep]. He is hooked on the rush and mutual validation, and they have been happy to make a mockery of you and the children while he courts her like a single guy.

His minimizing his infidelity as ‘just flirting’ shows a lack of remorse and accountability, and is evidence that he’s a bad bet for authentic reconciliation. He needs a sharp consequence for lying and cheating, so I would send him away for a while after you get home to obtain time and space to process and make decisions.

You shouldn’t even consider moving forward with him until he goes NC with OW, retrieves all messages, gives you the whole story and timeline, provides open access to devices, and works in IC to examine his character flaws that enabled his infidelity and dishonesty.

Personally, it would be game over for me. I wouldn’t live with anxiety and uncertainty for the rest of my life, and I want to set an example for my daughter.

Keep posting for support, @PleaseVipersHelpMe.

I’ve got no advice to give you because it’s your husband and marriage and your decision but just wanted to send you a virtual hug and some love. It’s horrendous that he’s done this after so many years and two children,at a time when you should be entering a new phase in your marriage as the kids grow up he’s done this.
People never fail to disappoint

OP, I just wanted to say - please be careful in letting him "explain" to your children what is going on. He's a liar and he will not want too lose the respect of his children so will be incentivised to lie and twist the truth.

I know you are concerned about them being hurt by the truth and the fact their father had done this to their family but honestly you should be more worried about your relationship with them and what could be done to undermine it by outright lies or deliberate less of omission.

He is not on your side anymore, and he very clearly does not have his children's best interests front and centre of his mind so remember that he will have no such qualms about hurting them by making them think badly of you.

Protect your own relationship with your children from being poisoned as the priority.

My mum cheated on my dad and they divorced. As someone who lived through the situation of my family breaking up due to infidelity, my opinion is that your kids have a right to know. They will ask why, and it is not your job to cover his tracks. You don’t have to go on and on, slagging him off, but a matter-of-fact answer is in order. It will all come out eventually, so best to be honest from the word go.

…and says she is nothing to him….

He is lying that OW means nothing, @PleaseVipersHelpMe. This is damage control gaslighting. And his crocodile tears are manipulative. The truth is, he is upset that they’ve been rumbled.

It is gutting, but he is no longer your best friend. He’s been heavily investing in an emotional affair — pouring his energy, time and attention into OW — while deviously keeping you in the dark with his lies and deletions. Cheating is abuse, and it is damaging for you to be comforted by your abuser.

@Definitelynotme2022 you could be me! This is exactly what my now ExH did & said. Where do they learn this rubbish?

Hope you’re doing well now.

I actually disagree with @MsDogLady It is entirely possible that this woman means nothing to ops dh. It may well have just been an ego boost and a flirtation, with no emotional investment at all, other than a cheap thrill. That does not make it ok of course, or any less painful for op, and he’s still a massive shit head for having done it. But I don’t think any of us who don’t know him can or should assume how he feels.
I think it will show in his actions. If he drops her like a sack of shit, no questions asked I think it’s likely no feelings involved. If he resists that or mopes about being all sad and maudlin? Different scenario…..

@MrRydersParlourGame totally agree with this.

Put your relationship with your kids FIRST. He won't.
I've seen a few marriages combust with middle aged men doing stupid cheating shit like this and EVERY time they've played the victim to the tween/teen kids - oh Mum won't let me come home, oh Mum says I'm horrible, oh Mum is being too emotional.

EVERY time.

It's like what a previous person said about the cognitive dissonance of realising THEY are a lying, cheating shit. They just can't face that so lie to the kids (or somehow, god knows how, actually believe their own shit that it "wasn't that bad").

This. As stated above, my mum cheated on my dad. She twisted it around—it was my dad who left, etc. She made the announcement that my dad had filed the divorce paperwork at my birthday dinner. My sibling and I were in tears at the restaurant and it was my dad who came out of that evening looking like “the bad guy”.