My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

It's more that you start to recognise people's usernames when they only ever disagree with OPs and seem to enjoy winding people up.

They’re either having an affair or on the extreme verge of one and he has done nothing to pull it back. Sorry

Yes obviously in some situation they may possibly be fine. But the context here is OPs situation and combined with the other information OP has provided they are not fine.

Can we ignore the troll so OPs thread doesn’t get derailed?

OP you are clearly very distressed by what you have found and feel betrayed. I would too, but tbh that’s irrelevant.

What matters here is your feelings. If you can’t get over this, you don’t have to. It looks like the trust in your relationship has been smashed by him and his pathetic need for ego strokes, and possibly more.

How much longer are you away? Can you grit your teeth and get through it? I appreciate it must be hell with the kids, but you probably should have thought of that and confronted him at home.

Can’t be undone now, so my advice is to stay quiet, and get things lined up when you get home. You could make an appointment with a solicitor whilst you’re away, for when you return, which may help you feel more in control.

@SwannWay

Are you a man or woman?

And would you mind sharing a bit about your romantic situation?

I would not want, expect or accept my husband to be texting similar messages to another woman, work colleague or otherwise. To me, it crosses a boundary - I'm the only woman he should be messaging in that way, that's a boundary I have.

I do like to hear other's perspective though, so genuinely interested in yours.

Ignore the troll, I spotted them on another thread bragging about how they'll smoke where they like.
School holidays and all that.

Spot on.

Goodness, who knew that Relate got their relationship info from things people make up on Mumsnet?

You're a bit clueless aren't you @SwannWay , have you left school yet?

https://www.relate.org.uk/centre/dorset-and-south-wiltshire/get-help/whats-emotional-affair#:~:text=An%20emotional%20affair%20is%20that,between%20the%20two%20of%20you.

I should have said, they are both work phones I would need him to get them for me.

He definitely has. The ‘wrong’ isn’t in doubt it’s the degree of wrong,

I have confronted him. He was there when I retrieved the deleted messages. He’s still insisting it was just ‘flirting’ and an ego boost. He did admit that he enjoyed being the ‘big man’ to her but hasn’t admitted anything else. He is still swearing blind that he hasn’t touched her. It wouldn’t be worse if he had.

I have given people this exact same advice and you are absolutely right. Whether he shagged her or not the betrayal is still horrendous.

Has she replied in a similar way? Or is he a sex pest trying to get into her knickers.

Spot on again.
And he's gonna say as little as possible
and lie and make stuff up.
There isn't much point of an "emotional affair" for these men, if it doesn't lead to more.
Sorry.

What are you going to do @PleaseVipersHelpMe ?

Is it over? I know that you want more evidence, you want to know everything but you may never know all of it. You will always wonder if anything else has happened.

I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this.

I know the colleague well and really respected her. I have her phone number - one of only two colleagues of his that this is the case. Ironically I had always felt that even if he might be tempted she was sensible enough to put him straight. I have occasionally had my suspicions as they get on so well, but last week, she dropped another colleague off at my house to pick something up for dh and she was in a work loan car that used to belong to another senior colleague. A very nice car. Dh would be the only person who could authorise this and he’s generally very hesitant to do so. I think I knew then.

I told dh then that I thought it was inappropriate and looked bloody dodgy, I was worried what his other colleagues would think. He told me I was being ridiculous and jealous and possessive. That she’s integral to the business and deserved it. This really isn’t true. I didn’t shout or argue but I didn’t back down. Later that day he came and apologised and said that he understood how It looked and he’d take care of it. We went on holiday the next day.

Since then he has been overly nice and loving. All the things that he hasn’t for the last few months. I knew in my gut but I had to build myself up to asking as I didn’t want to admit I didn’t trust him. He never leaves his phone so I had to ask. Then I found the deleted messages.

He denied and denied and said that I didn’t understand the context. The context was clear but the us no evidence of anything physical. I supose as a pp says it doesn’t actually matter, I just need to decide what to do with the info I have.

Yes he was sat with me when I found it.

How did he explain it?

This really hurts but I needed to read it.

Thank you. I know you are right.

Thank you.

I have considered confronting her but thankfully I don’t think my pride will let me.

Thank you, you’re right. I already know he’s a lying, cheating twat. It doesn’t really matter just how much of one he actually is.

Get smart , get though the holiday
when home get your finances in order
without him knowing
sorry Op I smell a rat , been there wish I’d got my ducks in a row before he knew
you deserve better
keep your head on and mouth stuff till you check
bank account etc etc
good luck

He’s a shit
im so sorry

God you are right, I’m going to try and channel your energy.

If we were home I think it would be easier. We’re on the holiday of a lifetime paid for by me using an inheritance. We’ve all needed this break for such a long time and he’s ruined it.

Can I please ask, do you have kids? If so, what did you tell them? He’s always been such a great dad and they genuinely idolise him. I don’t want them to know what he’s done but at the same time I don’t want them to blame me for us separating. They aren’t young children, ds is off to uni in Sept and dd is sitting her GCSE’s next year. I really don’t want this to affect them. He’s such a fucking knob.

Thank you.