My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

Yes, its not nice. After going through therapy, I have learned that I don't entertain situations that are going to increase my anxiety. I am fairly certain if it happened to me now, that I would just walk away.

If you choose to walk away, its scary. When I left my partner (I did come clean to him but he "forgave" then made my life a living hell, so I left), I was so lonely for the first time ever. I was scared and I was broke.

However, when I chose to ignore a red flag and stayed, I can honestly say that my mental health struggled more and I became a shell of the person I once was.

Either way, its not easy.

If you do decide to stay, you need to bw prepared to truly forgive and forget. I would recommend couples counselling also and reestablishing date nights and honest communication. Make sure he is aware of your boundaries and he agrees with them.

If you leave, you need to be strong enough to stay away, make it through those nights alone and find yourself again through hobbies etc.

I would 100% recommend therapy either way, if you can afford it. It really helps you to put you first and feel stronger to deal with emotions and situations like this.

Best of luck!

Your kids are old enough to know full well something is off. I'd be really tempted to tell them the truth. Tell them you've found some stuff out that's really upset you about some choices their dad's made recently and you're feeling a bit floored. No the timing isn't great, but they're either going to look back on this holiday as the one with the weird vibes that they didn't know the reason for (and in the absence of the truth kids will make up their own version), or, the one where dad did that thing and mum wasn't having any of it.

Yes he has done this, not particularly to you, or to them, but his self serving actions have affected all of you. That's inescapable unfortunately, and you can't go round it, best to go straight through.

Thank you. You are absolutely right. He has also said that it was just ‘a joke’ and I didn’t understand the context, Fucking hilarious I’m sure you agree.

He is minimising. I’m not sure if it’s because he is ashamed or because it’s far worse than I know. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter. I agree he needs to leave. Ironically the reason I’m hesitating is my dd. She is so close to her dad and would really miss him.

He has suggestions counselling which I have agreed to, not with a view to saving the marriage but to try and understand how this happened and to move forward amicably for the kids.

Thank you that’s kind. I genuinely wouldn’t have thought he could do this to me.

No one can tell you what to do and no one can judge you for going or staying. However your marriage as you know it is now gone. Get your head around that and things will seem clearer. You either stay and work at it in counselling (as happy people or fulfilled people simply do not do what he’s done) NOT that it’s your fault, it’s not. Or you leave.

im sorry he’s let you down like this.

“Just a joke”…riiiiight

Yes I can imagine that he would definitely try and minimise as much with them as he is with me and they would completely believe him. Why wouldn’t they? I will be careful of this, thank you.

Thank you for your perspective, it makes me feel slightly better. I’ve honestly been terrified of them finding out and being hurt and upset. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

You are right of course. We can’t go back to how we were and I need to accept that. It was a moment of weakness and I will ensure that I don’t let him see me like that again. For my own pride if nothing else. Thank you.

It’s just so difficult to accept that he’s not the person I thought he was. He was my rock when I lost my dm. I never truly thought he would do this to me, at least not to this extent.

Mine did it to me
With a woman we both knew through family
He lived to regret it after a failed fairytale relationship with her.

There must be a dickhead handbook out there somewhere.

This is what I would love to believe, However the truth is, how will I ever know? He’s lied to me now, what’s to stop him doing it again? I don’t want to be constantly checking up on him, I can’t live like that.

I'm also unsure how he can drop her given he’s her employer. He can’t sack her over this and as much as I dislike her I don’t think I’d want her to lose her job while he gets to continue as normal. To me he is more at fault as he is married to me. As much as I liked her she’s not my partner. But at the same time I can’t bear to think of them continuing to work together. He’s such a fucking idiot. We used to laugh at men who did embarrassing stuff like this.

Thank you I actually agree. He would find it too difficult to look them in the eye and tell them what he’s done without playing it down. He would never want them to know what he said and did. I will be there when we talk to them. Unfortunately I’m quite sure it will be my fault to dd anyway. She’s at the age where everything is!

Yes I will be careful of this. He’s not usually a complete and utter twat but then he doesn’t usually have affairs with his colleagues either. I suppose all bets are off now.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe From your posts it’s clear to see you are an articulate, emotionally intelligent and deeply loving woman, not to mention a wonderful mum. He’s lost an absolute diamond, he really has. What a monumental idiot. I’m terrible at advice so I will leave that to the much more qualified here, but I will say this;

He and he alone is responsible for this mess, and if your children are half as switched on and smart as you then they will see this, even if it may take a little time.

Sending many hugs, I think you’re absolutely lovely and I’m so sorry this is happening.

Thank you so much for the advice. I think some therapy for me would be helpful to help me come to terms with all this. I hope you’re ok now.

This is probably the right thing to do but I’m being a coward. While they don’t know wecan sort of pretend we are still a family (albeit a dysfunctional one). I’m not sure I’m ready to give that up quite yet, particularly since this will likely be there last ‘family holiday’ I will definitely keep a close eye on how things are going and if they seem upset or concerned I will bite the bullet and tell them.

Thank you this is good advice.

If it’s his own business, he can get rid of her, it’s just down to money. He draws up a compromise agreement (with input from HR obviously) has a none binding conversation with her where he tells her the situation is untenable so he wants to terminate her contract and will pay her x amount. Compromise agreements are not uncommon and I have seen them happen in exactly this situation. It will cost him a big chunk of cash and cost her her job but I have no sympathy with either of them. Don’t shit where you eat. End of.
If it is not his business, then I would suggest he needs to look for a new job.
And, you are quite right, I do wonder if there is a dickheads handbook somewhere. Idiot 🤬

@PleaseVipersHelpMe I’m sorry you are going through this. I can only say don’t rush to decide - get home and think carefully. Not saying don’t end it - just make sure it is the right decision for you, once all the fight or flight, anger and physical symptoms have calmed down.

Be honest with the kids if you decide to end it (or even if he moves out to give you both space “I love your Dad but at the very least he has become infatuated with another woman and right now I feel hurt and betrayed. I am not sure if we can get past that but both of us love you and that won’t ever change”. They need to understand and are old enough though. Openness is better than them putting two and two together and ending up with five/taking sides without full facts.

Yes I think dh will be the same, it has disaster written all over it, This woman is single, in her thirties (younger woman, another sad cliche), and has been saving for IVF to go it alone. My dh is not up for any more babies, that I am sure of. Not even for her. He’s ready to get his life back and do things without children. So unless she gives up the idea of a child there is no future. Of course she might decide she prefers the cats and the high life, but it’s a lot to give up and it was a non-negotiable for me when choosing a life partner.

In my more sympathetic moments I’ve almost felt a bit sorry for her and wondered if this is why she allowed this to happen. She’s at last chance saloon for children and perhaps she thought that dh would want more dc. I really didn’t take her for the type to get involved with a married man so it is a possibility.

This has just made me cry on the beach (kids and dh are back at the room). Thank you for your lovely words. I don’t feel any of those things, I still just feel like a bloody fool for accepting everything he said at face value, but it’s really nice to read.

I hope you’re right about the kids. They are lovely and I hope they come to terms with it in time. I’d still have preferred that their dad wasn’t such a dick in the first place though.

Thank you I wasn’t aware of this. It is his business and we will have to see whether or not dh chooses to do this. His next actions will speak volumes but I’m being very careful not to prompt anything. He needs to decide the next moves without me telling him what to do if it’s to mean anything. I would feel much more comfortable if she did leave (with a decent sum to cushion the blow) even though I’m not planning to stay in the marriage. I know it’s petty but I can’t help it.

I’m almost as angry with her as with him at times although I do feel that is a little unfair, but she’s been with the business for several years and it seems wrong that she should start again with nothing. This would be a good solution for all of us, even if they did continue their relationship. As you said you shouldn’t shit where you eat and I’m surprised they gave both been so unprofessional.

You tell them the truth. You don't have to lay it on thick, just tell them as much as you think they need to hear about what he did and thecrasons for your reaction. They'll find out soon enough and, if you haven't been straight with them, they'll see you as a liar too.

And be sure that he will tell them a version of events that won't do you any favours.

Thank you for the great advice. My nerves are shot and I keep veering from furious to sad to disappointed. It definitely isn’t the time to make any rash decisions but I can’t see a way to forgive and move past this. We’ve had our ups and downs like everyone else but I didn’t think he would ever hurt me like this.

That would be a good way to explain it and I think you’re right. Honestly is the best policy and the one thing I am set on is that he has to move out when we get home. I need space to think and I’d be interested to see where he goes. That would be a good time to raise the issue, although I am fully expecting the ‘I made one silly mistake and mum gave up on us’. Or worse, telling them I got it wrong and I won’t listen to reason. I will be ready. Thank you again.