My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

This was my thinking too. I couldn’t live with hurting dd when she’s already going through so much just with her age. Thank you.

OP. Hope you feel abit more clear headed. Have you made any concrete decisions yet. Don't tell the kids.
My ex husband had an affair and I told the kids when they were adults as they more of an understanding of what relationships can be like. They took it well but it would have destroyed them in their teenage years!

How are things @PleaseVipersHelpMe - I’m hoping he’s still moving forward and understanding the hurt he’s caused.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe, I’ve been thinking about you. How are things going for you now?

This just popped up on my actives (why?!) and i read entire thread.

Sounds awful. So sad that by the end the Op seems to have resigned herself to sticking at it. Must be such an uncomfortable environment for the children.

Thank you for checking in @TheLastTimeEver and @MsDogLady. I’m very sorry for the delay in responding. I’ve been deliberately staying away from the thread in the hopes of getting past everything but I’m not sure it’s helped and for some reason I’ve been drawn to come back and read through the thread from the start. Perhaps it’s with hopes of actually moving on properly in the New Year.

I’ve been doing ok in spite of a tricky couple of months with both the anniversary of dm’s birthday and her death and various other family occasions. It’s been so tough at times to deal with everything but I’ve made it through.

The woman left the business at the end of Sept. She actually expressed her unhappiness to her new boss and requested a settlement due to her previous long service. The strength of her reaction was quite shocking to be honest. She repeatedly sobbed in front of her new boss (also a close family friend so I heard all about it) and made a few cryptic comments about thinking that dh would always look after her, although she never actually spoke about what had happened. She did show some signs of putting up a bit of a fight for more money - constructive dismissal was mentioned - but in the end she clearly didn’t have the stomach for it and accepted the offer. I have my thoughts on why she left quietly, but I suppose I’ll never actually know for sure. She signed a compromise agreement and left with 6 months pay which I felt was fair.

Other than that dh and I have continued working through things. We found a Gottman Method therapist who is just wonderful. I truly believe that she only wants what is best for both of us. She helped dh understand just how traumatic this has been for me and she helped us to put together a timeline of everything that happened answering most of my remaining questions. We also have a much better understanding of each other and how we deal with things. It’s been enormously difficult but even if we do decide to separate I’m glad we are doing this work now as it will help both of us regardless. I’ve also become more involved in dh’s business at his request. He thinks that a better understanding will bring us closer and I have to say, he’s been right so far and I’m enjoying being part of what he does.

I still see my therapist who is also lovely and has helped me so much. I lost more weight and even though at times I’ve been a bit concerned about it, I feel like I’ve got a bit of my confidence back as a result. I had let myself get in a rut in many ways and it’s great to enjoy shopping again and feel good in myself. I took dd away on holiday before Christmas and she finally noticed my 2 1/2 stone loss (3 months on). This reminded me of a pp saying that teens are only really concerned about themselves and don’t really notice what their parents are up to. It made me smile as I’ve worried so much about her being unsettled by everything when she’s been oblivious to even the obvious! Jokes aside she’s doing great as is ds. I’m so proud of them both.

I think that’s everything. I hope you’ve all had a lovely Christmas and I’d just like to say thank you again. It’s been a very tough read going back to those early days. But it’s also been a welcome reminder of how wonderfully kind people can be and just how much you helped me when I didn’t know where to turn. Thank you again.

I truly hope you manage to rebuild your relationship, wishing you all the best for 2025!

The "ow" is a snake, I believe she had a strategy wishing for monetary gain, one way or another

Glad of the update op, I've been thinking about you and hoping all was going well. Hope 2025 is everything you wish for xxx

It's good of you to give an update @PleaseVipersHelpMe.

I wish you nothing but happiness in 2025 ❤️

What a great update!
Glad to hear you're doing OK, I wish you peace and happiness for 2025 x

Amazing update. Thanks. Glad to hear how well you are all doing. Best of luck going forwards.

Great update and so glad your husband has finally understands and realises what an incredibly lucky man he is. I wish you all the best for 2025, what an incredible woman you are and don't loose touch with your online support her one day you maybe able to help others with your incredible insite.

Bad things happen in otherwise good relationships @PleaseVipersHelpMe
If something bad happens, it doesn’t necessarily mean the whole relationship is bad…it’s just an episode of a series, not the whole production. You can and will get through this. Wishing you and your family a peaceful and happy new year!

I'm glad things seem to be going in the right direction. Best wishes for 2025

For some reason I only just saw your update @PleaseVipersHelpMe . So glad you are working through it with a great therapist that is helpful to you both.
my ex couldn’t engage properly with our therapist and we were doomed really.

wishing you both luck together. It’s never as black and white as LTB. You’ve both got something worth fighting for here.

op randomly popped in to my thoughts

don’t worry coming back op if you want to leave this all behind

but hoping all ok

Thank you for checking in @Rememberthis81. Apologies for the delay, I haven’t been back to the thread for a long time but for some reason felt drawn to come back to it today.

We are still working on our marriage. Dh is now in individual therapy which has been a game changer in terms of how he understands himself and his behaviours and how much he is able to discuss everything. I didn’t push this, it was a decision he came to on his own but I’m very glad that he is working through his issues with a professional who can help.

I’m doing well considering. The kids are both doing great, which makes me a very happy mum. I’m still practicing my new hobby which I love and has given me so much confidence. I’m in the same work role but considering a complete career change. I like my job but think I need a new challenge and at my age it’s probably now or never!

I wasn’t going to reply to the thread again as I see the deleted posts and I’m a bit worried about what the trolls have been saying. But then I look back on this thread and remember how desperate and terrified I was in the beginnIng. I thought my world had ended and I had nothing to look forward to. But even while all this has been going on I have managed to find joy in my kids, my lovely friends who have been amazing and my hobby. I’ve even had a few happy times with dh - we have taken a few short solo trips which have helped us to reconnect and make new memories and he is back to being the good man I married. We’re not out of the woods yet but I can see a future for us now. I decided to post this just in case anyone else going through this sees it so they know that it can get better.

I can’t pretend it hasn’t been the most painful, difficult year of my life. I’ve felt awful, angry thoughts towards dh and the woman that I never thought I would feel and at times I have struggled to let go of them. It has changed me beyond belief. I didn’t realise just how much I was stifling my own wants to keep everyone else happy and how much I’d shrunk to make the relationship work. I’m much kinder to myself and to others now. I want things to work out with dh, but only if the relationship works for both of us. That’s been the most important change for me. I love dh so much, even now, but I know that I don’t need him.

Thanks again for checking in. It is truly appreciated.

Great update. Wishing you the best.
You are some woman.👏👏👏

OP I've only found your thread today and have spent most of the day reading, wanting to skip to the end quickly but enjoying every update and seeing and celebrating your strength as an individual but also putting your DC first.

As many other have said you are amazing and will be ok whatever happens

Thanks for coming back with the update. I truly wish you happiness and hope this thread helps others.