My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

A betrayal is a betrayal. There aren't really degrees. He's thinking of another woman, wanting to be with her, telling her so and trying to hide the evidence. Guilty as hell and he knows it.

Thank you, unfortunately it’s a bit too late to not discuss. I’ve given him full pelt all day since finding out (kids have been off doing their own thing by the pool).

I want to ring someone but I’m so embarrassed to say what he’s done. I’ve always been so proud of our long marriage. I lost my mum last year and I wish she was here to talk to.

Thank you. I have said this, although I haven’t managed the cool and collected except sign the dc.

I’ve told him I know he’s lying, he’s still minimising. I’ve told him that I need the truth. He’s still lying to me (and I am pretty sure he’s lying).

She knows about me and the kids. She has been to our home. I have considered messaging her but I don’t want her to know how upset I am. Plus I was always raised to keep my own council. I doubt it would achieve anything anyway. He’s still done it.

No I didn’t have a clue. He said he was going to work. I keep thinking did he actually pick her up or did they sleep together. She gave him her postcode so I know he hadn’t been before this. It was only a couple of weeks ago.

Thank you I won’t.

I went but for the kids.

Thank you this is good advice. I’m sorry you married a dick too.

My youngest was 7 at the time, the elder 2 were 15 and 17, there is a lot of water under the bridge now and I was able to sit next to him at my daughter's wedding a couple of years ago but the intervening years were tough, I won't deny it.

He left that night and never came back and bizarrely never got with her either. It felt such a waste but there was no going back. He'd always had a thing for her but I just never thought he'd act on it, that was a line crossed.

I phoned the other woman, whose husband was a lifelong friend of mine from school days and told him. Initially he didn't believe me but he confronted her at work and she broke down and admitted it.

The kids adjusted in time, he was not much more than an adequate father tbh, but once we split he did very little with them in the subsequent years and now we have grandchildren he doesn't bother hardly at all.

The affair was reslly the catalyst. He was and always will be a selfish prick and despite the hardship I've never regretted divorcing him. Things are so much better now and I'm blissfully happy with my DP.

Whatever you choose trust your gut Instinct, it is rarely wrong.

Do your very best to enjoy your holiday with your children first and foremost. Take some time for yourself, relax, think things through. Start making plans for whatever you decide going forwards.

You don't need to be embarassed, reach out to your friends and family and get as much support as you need.

As for telling your children, why would you want to protect him and his image? why does he deserve that? They are not little kids they are young adults and I am sure they would find out eventually anyway or at least be suspicious of anything else you came up with.

Remember - HE has done this all on his own, not just to you, to all of you. He made his choice, you had no say in the matter. Once you have decided what you are going to do, I would tell them the truth.

Are you sure they’re not sensing the vibe?

I should have waited but I just couldn’t. I was truly hoping to be wrong. Even though I knew I wasn’t. We’ve got 10 more days.

She has replied but didn’t seem quite as forthcoming as he was. She asked about him taking her for a spin in the car and when he said how great she was she said he was great too.

The impression I got was that she was a willing participant but was enjoying him doing the running.

If I’m being honest I really don’t want it to be over. We’ve been together 24 years and built a life. We were looking forward to spendings time together as the kids get more and more independent. I love him so much.

But I don’t see how I can get past this. I’m mortified at what a cliche it all is. I thought he was better than this but he’s just like all the other middle age fools. He isn’t the man I thought he was.

He says it was just flirting and taken out of context. He has now accepted the betrayal but still swears that ‘he never touched ber’.

Good advice but unfortunately a bit too late as I leapt in both feet first. Thank you.

I am so sorry that you are going this OP. I can really relate. Stay strong. You deserve better.

Thank you for spelling it out so bluntly. It hurts like hell but I know deep down it’s true.

Hang on @PleaseVipersHelpMe take a breath. @Aquamarine1029 doesn’t know anymore than I do what his intentions were or why he hasn’t shagged her?
I have NC for this because Mn is brutal but I caught my dick of a husband doing similar with a friend of mine a few years ago.
I am far more tech savvy than he will ever be, so I was able to recover all the messages. Whilst what he did was ABSOLUTELY betrayal of me and our relationship, those messages showed very clearly that he loved the chase and the ego boost, but when she offered it on a plate and tried to “seal the deal” he wouldn’t go there. And she was pissed about it. She sent nude pics, desperate texts ,the works. But he never actually touched her. I know this, not because he told me (people in this situation ALWAYS lie) because she is so cross about it in her messages. Which she, as my friend, thought I would never see.
So, op, don’t assume his intent. None of us know, but you know him best. I am SO not one of those people who say that what my husband did improved our relationship. It fucking didn’t and he was and is a weak, pathetic arsehole to have ever engaged in that. I’m am still undecided about whether to stay or go but he has spent literally years showing me, with actions, not words, that he will never hurt me again. Something to think about.

Thank you so much for sharing this.

It’s so difficult as dh genuinely is a great father and not usually selfish. I still can’t believe he did it. But I know he did. Perhaps I don’t know him as well as I think I do.

Thank you.

I just really don’t want them to be hurt by his actions. He’s likely be able to convince then that he’s telling the truth anyway. They really do adore him and I don’t want to be the one to tell them that he’s made such a foolish mistake and have them question if he’s the person they thought in the way I am. He’s hurt me, not them and I’m not sure I could do that to them.

Thank you for this.

Dh says that he’s sorry and he made a huge mistake, that he never would have actually cheated. That he realised when I confronted him about the car what a dickhesd he had been which is why he was being nicer to me to try and make up for it.

But in this case she definitely wasn’t throwing herself at him, although she was responding and encouraging. He was the one telling her all the things he used to say to me. Some that he hadn’t said to me for a long time. I don’t want to be even more outing by repeating the worst text but it hurt more than I can say. I’m not sure that he can make up for that to be honest. I think the intent was there whether it happened or not.

Thank you everyone for telling me some home truths and allowing me to talk this out. It’s not the outcome that I was hoping for but I think we are done. I don’t need any more proof than I have. I suppose really I was hoping that if he was telling the truth I could work to forgive him. But it doesn’t matter because what he has done is a complete betrayal. I’m so sad it’s ending like this but that’s not my fault. I have a lot to organise and think about.

You definitely need to keep a watchful eye on your husband if you choose to stay with him. And you have to consider if that is also what you want.

I have been on both sides - I have cheated, and been cheated on. And no, I am not proud of having cheated on my ex husband (although it was a DV relationship and I was very mentally unstable).

From a cheater's perspective: it started with flirty messages, more interaction with work colleagues etc. I soon got a chance to start something at a work event. And it went from there. And then from there, it went to meeting others online for affairs. I also didnt think I would go "all the way" as I thought of myself as a kind person.

A couple of years later, I was cheated on by another partner. I found out through texts I had seen etc, just flirty messages with other women etc. He denied and denied everything and my mental health declined rapidly and I thought I was going crazy. Even when we broke up, he said nothing happened. I found out he cheated months later and it suddenly all made sense. But that whole time was incredibly confusing, upsetting and heart wrenching. Would I have stayed with him if he admitted it? Probably. But after time has passed, I am now grateful that I didnt have that opportunity because my mental health has now improved ten fold and I healed myself a lot through therapy.

Its a decision only you can make and I would only feel confident in staying if you know you aren't going to be mentally tortured by it in the future.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. You sound like a lovely mum and I admire how you’re managing this while trying to keep things normal for the kids.

You do have options (leaving him
or couples therapy being just two suggestions) but you don’t have to do anything at all right now. I’m so sorry you don’t have your mum to talk to - what would she say? Who would she tell you to call for support?

Hold your head high - you’re a good woman and he’s been an absolute arsehole. X

If it was me (and a very similar thing happened although not a husband or kids involved) I would tell him that you deserve this amazing holiday and he needs to do his damnedest to make sure you have a brilliant time. His betrayel now means he owes you big time and he needs to put every effort into looking after you and the kids and making sure the holiday is exactly how you want it.
Say you'll discuss it when you get back, then ask him to move out somewhere whilst you gather your thoughts on the whole situation.

Then if you want - he's gone at least.