My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

@swannway I think you've lost your way, back to ReturnoftheKings of wherever you popped up from.

Omg 🤦‍♀️.

You know what he's done just as much as I do, so there's little point me repeating the OP to you. I think doing these things is unacceptable in a marriage, you don't. So all that needs to happen is for all the people like OPs husband to partner up with people like you, and the relationship board would have tumbleweed blowing through it.

If my partner was messaging another woman with that sort of message (miss you/want you in my life) his shit would be in a bin bag dumped on her doorstep and I'd be lawyering up hard and fast.

I did do this when I found my husband of 20 yrs messaging his best mate's wife (had gone beyond messaging - sex in his car in grotty industrial estate carparks!)

I feel for you but he is clearly besotted with this woman

Oh I can but you're not worth it. Ignoring is best with your sort.

Or it’s the op’s husband. More than likely a man that thinks as long as he doesn’t actually shag someone that’s ok.

You deserve more - the fact he has tried to cover it up rather than be open and honest is enough

You do you - he stuffed right up

OP, I'm so sorry. This does sound like an emotional affair.

If possible, I'd try to keep your powder dry until you're home. No big convos, no interrogation.

Let the kids enjoy their holiday. Maybe go off for a day to see something the others wouldn't be interested in?

Tell him you don't want to discuss it while you're on holiday. Repeat, repeat.

Maybe message a good friend or family member to say you'd appreciate a coffee with them as soon as possible after you get back. Then you can talk it through with someone who can hug you and support you and listen while you talk through your thoughts.

This made me laugh 😂

I disagree with SwannWay but I would be interested to know what CovertPiggery found objectionable about Swann's choice of username

You aren’t stupid, first of all. But he bloody is! Copies of phone bill, and restore backups to get WhatsApp chats back. Tell him you are doing this and he has ONE chance to be honest. He WILL lie, they all do, because he’s spent the last 3 months justifying this shit to himself. Unfortunately, being caught doesn’t immediately make them realise exactly HOW shitty they’ve been and that the only option is to be truthful. It makes a sick kind of sense really - he has spent the last 3 months doing Christ knows what with this woman and somehow being able to justify it to himself. He has not been sat there thinking “I am in fact a cheating, lying cunt” he has been justifying it, denying it to himself and minimising it. The cognitive dissonance when he is FORCED to look at your face and start to realise what he has actually done to you and your children and how much of a cunt he REALLY is, is a lot to take. So they lie. Tell him you know he will do that. And he’d better think long and hard before he does.
Make him take the kids out on his own (claim a headache) and tell him you will speak to him when he returns. Cool and calm is your friend here op. Whilst I’m sure you want to chop his balls off, staying ice cold is the BEST way to get to the truth.
Does she know about you? If not, tell her. If so, tell her what you think of her. Blow this shit right out of the water.

@BuildingthefutureGreat advice 👌

OP, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Did you know he was with her when he was picking her up?

@SwannWay clearly shows how SOME men think this shit is alright. OP, that is the response you do not want from your DH. Obviously. And it’s such horseshit anyway! Honestly OP would your DH be ok with you secretly messaging some bloke, telling him you missed him and wanted him in your life? Picking up a man you’ve told you fancy and going for a secret drive? Deleting messages and keeping secrets. Would he fuck. Don’t fall for the “it’s nothing” shite.

Utter cunt. I wouldn’t be going for dinner with him tonight or any other night. He could piss off

I would be very angry and probably have bagged his stuff up in bin liners already.

That said, and in response to your last paragraph, this isn't the same as shagging her. He's had some thoughts, sent some messages, obviously spoken to her, but then deleted those messages.

What happens now depends how you feel and if he can have a proper honest conversation. Feeling you've outsmarted him would be a very hollow victory - not worth putting the energy in to achieve. You either maybe can forgive him, or you definitely can't, if you can't it's not worth getting his phone records or whatever, just get those bin bags lined up. Good luck

As someone who's been through this, don't bother trying to prove it. Follow your gut instinct, because it won't be wrong.

My stbxh was adamant for the last 2 plus years that nothing was going on with this woman. Months and months of trying to make our marriage work (read me trying, him not) and then we separated. I got a big speech from him about how he wanted me to be happy and meet someone else, he couldn't see himself with anyone else, he needed time on his own to find himself 😂And a week later he's telling me that he's seeing someone that I "know of".... hardly rocket science, obviously it's her.

So please don't play the pick me game, don't go for dinner, just let him go!

If he's saying he "wants her in his life" he also wants to get in her knickers. He's probably already gone there but if not, that's the next step. I expect you're a man or a troll (or both) but either way, you know perfectly well that a married man doesn't tell another woman they're the greatest person he's ever met and that he wants them in his life. Now stop being a very goady and silly little person.

Don't try to find more, he will hide it now and you will get yourself into such a knot looking for stuff and trying to work out if he's lying, that you'll forget what the original issue was.

You know what you know, tell the kids you've got a stomach bug and daddy will be doing some fun stuff with them for the next couple of days.

There's no rush to decide what's next, the less said the better while you work it out.

I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge

I dont think you need to look anymore OP. You know. He knows you know. Don’t let him downplay/twist it into you having no ‘proof’ so that means you can’t leave him or you’re being crazy by leaving him. YOU KNOW.

Finish off the holiday and speak to a solicitor when you get home.

The second two could be fine depending on the context.

I wouldn't expect you to

Sending text messages isn’t cheating. He may be cheating but equally he may just have a friendship with this woman.

I do think some women on mn think a man talking to any woman is an “emotional affair”. If the sexes were reversed, they would deem the man controlling for objecting to his wife’s friendship. I’m a woman btw.