My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe you don't have to explain to us why you've not told children every detail why you've "fallen out". I'm going to get criticised for this but I don't think they need to know ALL the details even if you decide to split up. It's not about protecting your husband, it's protecting your children. At least that's how I see it.
No need to involve your children in making your husband suffer the consequences.

I'm being nosey, but did the "ow" reach out again after the first reconnaissance message?

I’ve read this myself. It does seem possible as he was able to justify everything to himself at the time, but now he’s mortified. I’m trying to forgive but only time will tell if I can or not.

That’s really kind of you to say. I’m glad that someone else agrees that they don’t need to know the ins and outs of everything that has happened. I don’t want to burden them with that.

I think you may have misunderstood. I am fully aware of what he has done and it is abhorrent. However I don’t want to protect the image of him for him, only for our dc who deserve to continue believing that their dad is the hero they think he is. And in fairness he has always behaved like a hero to them. To reiterate, he really is an amazing dad.

He has hurt me. Deeply. And I may never get over it. But he hadn’t hurt them and I don’t feel it would be fair to inflict this on them.

If he had done this when we were dating I would of course have walked away. After 21 years it isn’t so easy. I wouldn’t only stay for the kids or because we have been together for such a long time. I haven’t actually made a final decision yet but I do want to try and get over this because I love ny husband and in spite of his dickish behaviour he has made it clear over the previous couple of weeks just how much he loves me and how sorry he is.

I may not be able to get over this. Lord knows I’m struggling with it. But it would be more of a struggle for me to leave without giving it my best shot.

I know how hard it is. I walked away from a 27 year old relationship when I thought we had had a great marriage and he had been a fabulous dad. He had had an affair and I had stayed for a further nine years. I ended my marriage over words he had said that were worse than the affair. I planned to never tell the children a thing. I was worried what he would do if he knew they knew and I didn't want to spoil the opinion I thought they had of him.

I do understand. When he had his affair I didn't leave as I still loved him. Every one makes mistakes. I thought he had been a good husband and father. I stayed for so many reasons and I don't regret that I did.

He isn't a hero when he hurts their mother.

The reality is, in my case, they wanted to know everything, he wasn't who I thought he was, he wasn't the great father I and they thought he was. The kids are doing fine and are glad they know everything . I am doing so much better than I expected to be doing. I see the damage he was doing to me. I see how he's hurt them since he left. He's not doing great at all.

With respect I've misunderstood nothing. I just want to help and make sure if you stay, it is for you and only you and that you stay as focussed as you were and you don't become blindsided and influenced.

I wholeheartedly agree. They don’t need to know what he has done as it would only upset them. They should be able to see their dad for the great dad he is and nothing else.

I’m unsure where you’ve read up to, but the full story is as follows. She initially text him on holiday trying to start a conversation which he ignored. She then text him a few times on our return when her access to emails and calendar was revoked and then when he didn’t speak to her except to say yes/no she asked him to call her. Obviously he didn’t, he said he was too busy but would try and speak to her tomorrow then didn’t (I have had complete call records so I know this is true). She also text me once, essentially I feel just to try and sound out if anything was going on, using her upcoming holiday as a reason. I replied briefly without letting on that I knew anything. Then she found out she has a new boss and it’s been only the odd email since then. Strictly business, no texts.

You've handled her messaging you really well @PleaseVipersHelpMe .

I texted h ow by mistake and got an awful message back so I'm glad you're not getting that rubbish.

I really think “forgiveness “ is over rated What he has done is unforgivable (personally don’t think any affair is forgivable but you can learn to accept it) you will never forget so don’t try, but you will have to accepted it happened if your going to moved forward with him.
But please know your healing will take years (up to 5) if you stay or go. If you stay it should only be because he is showing complete and utter dedication towards you feeling safe again.
As already stated - You do not need to make ANY decisions now.
You need to accept he was selfishness and entitlement at the very core of him. He does not get to excuse his affair with ridiculous statements around “you being bossy” or what ever ridiculous excuses he accused you off
That said you may be of a mind to remember everyone should get a second chance (only if they show complete remorse). Also meant to add earlier post and not making excuses for him but i do believe he didn’t fancy her, it was all about his ego, he could have met up with her in person at lunch time or after work etc but he didn’t i think this is because it would have made it too real for him (maybe some signs of a decent man in there he once was)and he just didn’t fancy her it was easier to have this “fantasy “affair from behind a keyboard. He is guilty massively taking you for granted, probably either never thought he’d get caught or would be able to talk his way out of it because nothing physical happened (he so emotionally inept probably hadn’t even heard of emotional affairs). Can I suggest you get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ whether you stay or go this will unpick his petty excuses and help you dig down to the bones of who this man is.

But do YOU think he can change into the man you need/want going forward ?
I know a man who is so remorseful he got himself on “wayward spouses surviving infidelity” website, he still gets emails from them daily for the last 7 years when i asked him why after such a long time he said he wants to remember everyday that he is now and continues to be the best husband he can be for his wife, he says because he is so grateful for this second chance he wants to spend the rest of his life making up for the hurt his EA did to her

I will go against the received wisdom and say do not " protect," the dc. Be honest. Because eventually they will know and on top of the upset is knowing you lied. Either by commission or by omission. And will be angry and upset. Your husband betrayed your trust do not betray theirs by lying

He has hurt me. Deeply. And I may never get over it. But he hadn’t hurt them and I don’t feel it would be fair to inflict this on them.
I agree 100%. This is the best way to put it and your wisest post yet (amongst many, I shall add. I think you're dealing with this maturely and putting yourself nd your children first, in a very challenging situation)

Even so, the relationship is between OP and her husband, and it’s ok to keep things private. The children don’t have an automatic right to all information regarding them.

As a child with divorced parents, I agree with this too.

No good would come from telling them. As a kid you are half of each of your parents and when one is bad-mouthing the other to you, you end up internalising it and thinking you must be at least half-bad too and that you have to hate the other one.

My Mum cheated on my Dad, but he never said a single bad word about her to me. I'm so grateful as it meant I could continue to have a great relationship with both my parents.

My mum told my brother and I as adults.

We were blissfully unaware as children.

15 is a really vulnerable age and I can't think of any good that could come from them knowing.

I'm glad the OP has decided not to tell them.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s disgusting and disappointing in equal measure how common this sort of things seems to be.

I really do appreciate your concern and I’d just like to reassure you that I would only stay if it was the right thing for me. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t concerned by the timing with ds going to uni and dd sitting GCSE’s but if I absolutely needed to leave for me I would. I don’t know if I can forgive but now that dh is doing everything I have asked I would like to try.

I’ve been so tempted to call her on a number of occasions, just to try and get her side of the story but it’s that that kept me strong. She has made it clear that feels no loyalty to me and she owes me nothing so why would I ever think she might tell me the truth? I’m sorry she spoke to you like that when you didn’t deserve it.

Another hugely insightful post, thank you.

You need to accept he was selfishness and entitlement at the very core of him.

This is the most difficult thing to accept. Whatever he is/isn’t guilty of (and I too believe that there was no contact, only because I haven’t found evidence of it in spite of digging up so much) he was able to disregard my feelings for an extended period of time in favour of his own. It makes me so sad that he could be so deceitful and feel no guilt.

He didn’t expect to get caught, he admitted as much, and he justified to himself because it wasn’t a sexual affair. However he must have known deep down that it would hurt me and he did it anyway. He has said that he knew it was wrong but he didn’t realise how wrong until he’s saw how hurt I was and the physical effects on me.

But do YOU think he can change into the man you need/want going forward ?

That’s the awful thing - he was this man for the vast majority of our marriage, he’s only been this horrible person for the last section of it. I hope he can be the person I love again but I’m just not sure if all of this has tainted our relationship too much. Only time will tell.

Thank you again for taking the time to leave your thoughts and advice.

Thank you. They don’t need to know.

You have taken my comments very graciously and I thank you for that. I am glad you can see I am trying to help and support and I do see the dilemma you are in. Even though I initially stayed I feel I did much more than he did to make things right, so it is good he is doing all you want. But be mindful that emotions can't always be "bought away" with actions, words and gifts. You don't have to decide today and what you do decide for now does not have to be forever.

Thank you. The text I got back was so unbelievably cruel I still can't believe it to be honest so I think you're doing the right thing not speaking to her.

I agree that I should be honest to a point and perhaps we let them down a bit by not telling them anything. It was just so difficult to know what to say when my own emotions were so up and down and I didn’t want to end up crying on them. However I still don’t think that they need to know exactly what dh has done. I wouldn’t outright lie but I wouldn’t hesitate to say that I didn’t want to discuss certain aspects with them. I can’t imagine having to see their faces as we explain it. I think there can be honesty without specifics.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s good to know that your parents managed to make it through such a painful time with minimal damage to the children.

Thank you for sharing. I think this is the right approach too.