My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

Great to hear that you’re ’finding yourself’ too. Drumming sounds fab! You’re absolutely right that separating isn’t as scary as everything that’s already happened. I feel as though I’m rediscovering just how capable I am and I trust myself much more now. Of course I’d still prefer that none of this had ever happened but it’s nice to know that you can cope with adversity, even if you don’t realise that you’re coping at the time. We’re stronger than we think.

Re the intimacy I don’t think you need to be worrying about that yet as things are still really raw. It will take time. And if it doesn’t happen then maybe that makes reaching a decision easier. I’d try and steer the therapist away from this until you’ve managed to resolve some of the other feelings that you’re experiencing at the minute. Right now looking after yourself is the most important thing.

If it makes you feel any better that side of things has always been amazing for dh and I, but right now I can’t imagine ever feeling that way about him again. I sometimes worry that it will never come back for me but if it doesn’t I think that in itself tells me something and I need to listen.

You’re doing great and you’re going to be ok no matter what.

Being a huge sceptic. I wonder how long your H will take to get frustrated with your sexual disinterest. It's part of male biology. Men really need sex. More than love, more than friendship & it doesn't really matter who it's with.
men are like dogs,

In fairness to dh I don’t think that’s the case with him. But even if it was, I can only control my own response in this. His is up to him.

This is a sweeping statement. I initiate every time because DH isn’t really that interested and can “take it or leave it” now that he’s in his late 40s. All men are different.

Agreed.

I can see why it might look this way but I don’t think that’s the case. In both situations, with hindsight it was pretty obvious that something was going on. He really isn’t that good of a liar. I do think I would have known and I genuinely believe that these are the only occasions. Obviously that doesn’t make all of this any better or less painful but I think it’s the truth.

Going through the exact same right now, except it’s been going on over a year and a half when I was pregnant and even after. Used the exact excuse that we was going through a rough patch. Meaning me having bad mh throughout my pregnancy so he wasn’t getting enough attention apparently. Was even going to leave me for her and there was definitely feelings involved. Pictures were exchanged and they were basically acting as if they were an item. They work together too so it’s hard. I completely sympathise with you. Men are complete arseholes and if we acted like how they act when there angry we’d be slags 🙄 hope your ok x

I’m so sorry that happened to you. That is horrendous, scummy behaviour of the highest order. How long have you known? Are you managing to look after yourself?

How are you doing OP? I seem to be feeling worse - I think it’s now hit me that he did this to me, I am the betrayed party. Before I’ve just been in panic mode trying to protect the children. My oldest starts primary school today and I am furious to be going through this whilst going through such huge and emotional milestones with the children too. ❤️❤️❤️

I’m very much the same to be honest. I definitely feel the betrayal more now after a long period of contemplation. Whether he fancied her or not he still liked or was fond enough of another woman to conceal and lie to me about it and to jeopardise our marriage without a thought. I’ve found texts on previous phones that demonstrated that the friendship has been ongoing for 4 years and that hit me like a brick if I’m honest. I’d convinced myself that it all really developed after I lost my mum but no, even that wasn’t enough to make him take stock. It’s so difficult at the minute.

Has your dh started to accept responsibility yet (and I mean proper responsibility). That does help a little but actually not as much as I thought it would. It’s hard to be the betrayed one, it makes you question everything. I’m still so sorry that you’re going through this with such little ones that must be so tough.

I hope your dc had a great day at school. My ds is starting uni in a couple of weeks and I’m also devastated that this is overshadowing it. I probably need to take my own advice but just look after yourself and them. The answers will come with time, I’m convinced of it.

It’s still only been 6 1/2 weeks since I discovered this. I’ve said all along that I’m not rushing to make life changing decisions when I’m still in utter shock. I probably have buried my head in the sand at times throughout this awful process because the reality is so difficult to accept, but I’m doing the best I can.

The kids now are aware that we are having ‘issues’. We haven’t said any more than that other than to say that we will always be there for them and this has no reflection on them. Dd has asked lots of questions which we’ve answered honestly but we haven’t told them the full story.

To this day I have never been distraught or cried in front of my children over this. The only time they have ever seen me in that state was when my dm died. They don’t need to see me upset over this and they won’t. Ever.

I genuinely don’t think he has done it in the intervening years. I could be wrong but I don’t think I am. A huge part of this process is learning to trust myself again and I trust that I’m right about that. Plus even after extensive searching I’ve found no evidence of it.

I did but there have been posts since then and I’ve been trying to give it a go. It’s not easy and I’m not sure I’ll manage it but I am trying.

Hi,

I am 6 years on from something similar. I found messages too (They are so thick when it comes to hiding stuff aren’t they!) - Mine involved an ex girlfriend who he was with for 4 years before me. I found messages that indicated they had been in touch but none were sexually explicit or anything like that. However, these were actually text messages and one said that he was now going back to what’sApp. Of course all of those messages were deleted so I will never know for sure and he admitted to the bare minimum. The messages were going on for over a year though so it wasn’t a short lived dalliance!

It absolutely destroyed my trust in him and whilst we are still together (We have a teen), the relationship has never been the same for me. Part of my love for him died at that point and whilst now I don’t stress about it or anything and we can still have some nice times and holidays etc, it’s not the same as it was before and it never will be. I didn’t think he would ever do that and now I know he has it in him. His excuses were all blaming me too for not giving him enough attention etc too which made it worse! It most likely was a sexual relationship with her but I will never know for sure as he won’t tell me.

it’s a difficult decision though isn’t it. I stayed because I didn’t want to be on my own with a young child and I still loved him despite what he had done. I sometimes wish I hadn’t. Perhaps one day my love for him will finally fizzle to nothing and I will leave. I suppose I was too weak to do anything at the time and almost brushed it under the carpet as I didn’t want to face it head on. He was probably delighted with my weakness in not getting to the bottom of it and pushing harder for answers.

why do so many of them do it when they have everything. Why do they risk this for sexual thrills.

Hi OP your right you don’t need to make any decisions after 6 weeks. I hope your husband is continuing to have cut contact all together with OW and is still showing/acting on complete remorse and is continuing to understand the full devastation he has caused. I think-for me a concern is that you have”found” evidence that this has been ongoing contact for 4 years so (a) he never told you they had been messaging/meeting/flirting for 4 years you had to uncover this (b) if this has been going on for years do you think it started as friendship and has escalated and where would it have stopped (only he can answer that i guess.) However that said it really was just about his ego, knowing someone else fancied him who wasn’t you and if he really did fancy her why did nothing happen in those four years other than ego boosting for them both. It really is s mind fcuk. Good luck your doing good and are still in the early stages.