My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

I see you’ve met my ex…

😁Mine too. Bastards.

I think he may have turned a corner if he is finally able to admit that he has been a dick. I hope you can find peace and happiness, either with or without him. I think if you stay you may have to move beyond forgiving him and find a place where you build a new life still with the knowledge of this betrayal. You will eventually decide what your future will be I'm sure.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe I have followed your story. I’ve been there and I did decide to carry on with our marriage. It was hard work, however I would say that you have to realise it won’t be easy and you certainly won’t just feel as though everything will be ok overnight, it takes time to move past the hurt, it may well turn out to be a good decision, it may not, there will be both good and bad days, eventually the good outweighed the bad, it was then I realised we could do this, a lot of changes had to be made, more so by him, but like youself I also realised I wanted to work on myself too, I’d lost myself to being a working mum and wife.In fact I would say we now have a better marriage, more mutual respect, more making time to spend quality time together, there were times when I felt so overwhelmed with what had happened that i thought I couldn’t do it but here we are 10 yrs later, enjoying life together again. A good friend once told me that if you arn’t ready to put it behind you try and put it to the side, the betrayal was constantly on my mind and destroying me, stopping me moving forward. My counsellor, we had joint and single, helped me compartmentalise a lot and devised a “plan” where I would give myself a set time each day/week etc to think about that day/week to try and stop myself thinking about it all of the time and dwelling on it. Over time it worked and eventually there were times I didn’t think about it at all. There are still times/dates etc now that I’m triggered, but I deal with it. If you do decide you want to move on you do have to move beyond the betrayal. I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve everything you throw at him, he does!! It goes without saying that he needs to realise what he’s caused and take the consequences, however, eventually your desire to do so will hopefully lessen, this is when you will know whether rebuilding the marriage is worth your time and effort,if not then you need to rethink. I hope you find peace and the future you want be it with or without him. xxx

I’ve just read your entire thread, OP.

Firstly, you come across as such a genuine, warm person. You’ve been through one of the most difficult times of your life, hold your head up high, you are an amazing person. Be kind to yourself over these next few months.

My experience of betrayal from my now DH, was horrendous and one that I’d never wish on anybody. My gut instinct was telling me that something was ‘off’ for around 10 months. Of course my gut instinct was correct and the whole sorry story came out, over a few weeks (of course with the minimising in the very beginning).

The only reason we are still together is the way that DH acted afterwards. He told all of my family, spoke to my DM, went to counselling, gave me access to his phone, changed his phone number. No arguments, he just did. He knew that I needed him to prove to me that he wanted things to work out, which at the time, that’s what I needed. Giving me phone access meant that everything was transparent. I think it took a good 12 months for that to subside.

I won’t go into detail of the betrayal (his went physical) and I spent many months in a state of grieving. Emotional rollercoaster, deep anger one minute (screaming in the car is a GREAT way of releasing emotions) to total sadness the next! I didn’t know whether I could ever move forward but 15 years on I have and we are in a great place.

It’s not the easiest path to stay with someone who has betrayed you. It has taken a lot of hard work (on DH’s part) to repair the damage he caused and without this, it wouldn’t have worked. It’s also took me quite a while to come to terms with the betrayal. It hurt, like hell!

I was always the first person to say, if you cheat there’s no going back, but here we are.
You just don’t know how you’ll react to this until it happens to you.

It sounds like you have a great friend support network OP, they will prove invaluable over the coming months. To move forward you need complete transparency from your DH, otherwise it will be difficult. He needs to know that without this, he can’t expect the trust to be rebuilt.

Things won’t be the same again, but relationships can survive betrayal. It’s not easy and takes patience, something which your DH needs to work on. He needs to know just what he will lose if he can’t work on this.

Good luck OP. 💐

Just as you are 'sitting with' your feelings, I wonder if you being away forced your DH to sit with his feelings.

Guilt and regret make very uncomfortable companions.

However, as you say, is it too late. Are you now looking beyond your marriage and seeing that separation won't be the end of the world.

You don't have to decide now, next week, next year.

It feels from the outside that there has been a seismic shift in your relationship. Once the crockery stops shaking you will need to check if the foundations are still sound.

Bore off onion spring. If you don't have something constructive for OP don't bother commenting. And yes I know it's a public forum, but I'm betting anyone following this thread from the beginning is as protective over OP as I am.

He hasn’t as yet, but without going into detail this is something that the woman would previously have dealt with so it’s been a pain. I don’t think he’s lying about that and I do have a timeline of when this will happen. He is very aware that I won’t forget about it.

I’m hopeful that he does now get it but I’m still reserving full judgement - as you’re aware we’ve been here before. He does seem different in the way he is with me. There was an occasion just the other day where we were discussing his business (which hasn’t happened for a long time). He used to ask for my advice but has barely spoken about work for a good while. He mentioned a particular issue and I recommended what I thought could be a good solution. He stopped me speaking so that he could call up and action my recommendation, mentioned to the person involved that this was my idea and then thanked me afterwards. Over recent months he would have cut me off as soon as I tried to offer advice and it made me realise just how much dismissive treatment I’ve been accepting without even noticing, which was a real wake up call for me. He definitely realised too and was suitably apologetic. Looking back, I can’t believe that I put up with that but it seemed to creep up so suddenly without either of us noticing. Whether he is truly remorseful or not and whether I can get past this or not only time will tell, but I will no longer tolerate being treated like I don’t matter.

I think this is probably exactly what happened. I suppose I’m just sad that seeing the effect on me wasn’t enough to jolt him into immediate action. In fairness he did cut her off from the start but I feel like I had to almost explain to him why it was wrong to text her behind my back in the first place when of course, he knew it was wrong all along but didn’t want to admit it to himself.

I would agree with this summary. I genuinely think that it wasn’t until I had ended things and he knew I meant it that his attitude really changed. He said that he used that time to read one of the books I recommended which may have had an impact but at the end of the day, he now understands exactly what he has done to me only because I was going to leave. The hurt on my face and all the tears clearly didn’t move him at all, only the thought of me actually leaving. I have to decide if I can live with that.

Thank you. He does now accept that he has been a dick which is a relief in many ways. I’m sure the right choice for me will become clear in time.

Thank you so much for this it’s great advice. I’m going to try putting it to one side and seeing if we can make a go of it. It’s just so hard. I’m still so sad and hurt and angry and embarrassed. I don’t know if I can get past it but I will give it my best shot.

I’m throwing myself into working on myself! I’ve signed up to a training course and started my new hobby last night. It’s something I’ve wanted to try for ages but just never got round to it and I absolutely loved it. The hour absolutely flew and it was so exhilarating and fun. No matter what I won’t let myself get trapped in a rut again.

Thanks again for your advice and kind words, I’m so glad you made the right choice for you and that you are happy.

Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your experience. If only we were quicker to listen to our gut instincts!

I think we’re finally there with the transparency. I’ve had more details over the last few days and a few nuggets that he’d kept from me as I wouldn’t like it. As I said to him, I don’t like any of it really. The details don’t make it worse or better, they just give me an accurate picture to work with.

Dh does seem to be willing to take the pain now. He’s been much more honest about his feelings and I can see how we ended up here. I don’t justify his actions but I can understand how he made it all seem reasonable to himself. More importantly, he now understands that and that it actually wasn’t reasonable or rational behaviour at all, it was pretty bloody abhorrent.

I don’t know if I can forgive and move forward as a couple yet but I’m going to give it my best shot. My therapist has said that I may make a decision now then change my mind a year down the line and that’s ok, I’m trying to keep that in mind. Thanks again for your advice, I’m glad everything worked out for you in the end.

I remember you,

Your husband behaved really badly towards you, I'm so sorry he didn't realise

Yes I’d agree with that. Ds was also out the night dd and I were away and I imagine he had lots of time to think about everything that happened.

I am relieved that separation isn’t as terrifying as it once was. When I first found out I was desperate to save the marriage. Now I only want to save it if it works for me and it’s become clear to me that for the past few months it really hasn’t. I know I could be far happier on my own than with the dh of the past few months. If he’s back to being the dh of old then we have a shot.

I think there probably has been a shift, more in me than the relationship as a whole and I suppose long term the question will be if dh can cope with that. I’m just pleased to be myself again. I really had lost sight of who I am and what I want and I wont let that happen again.

Thank you again for all of the sound advice. It’s really helped me.

I think I’m glad to have missed this but thank you so much for intervening.

I think you are being very realistic, to understand that both of you will have to want to continue with the 'new' partner, once things have settled. Wishing you peace and happiness.

I think I feel the same. It’s as if the affair has not only made me untrusting and suspicious of DH, but almost (in a positive way) more aware of my self if that makes sense? Not if my faults and where I went wrong in the relationship (as I’ve always been aware of them) but like a lightbulb has been turned on inside my head and I’m thinking ‘oh yes, there you are, you can come out now!’. I’ve started listening to music again (something I haven’t for years), I’ve also signed up for a new hobby (drumming lessons!) and feel free - the idea of separating isn’t as scary as the blow we’ve been dealt so why hold back now. Thankyou for you inspiration OP ❤️

Sorry that I’m being very personal but do you think you could get back to a physical/sexual relationship again with your DH OP? I had my first individual therapy session earlier today, and she really hit home how important it was to ‘want to want it’, and get back there (obviously at my own pace). I just can’t think of anything worse and can’t imagine it ever again! If the ‘spark’ wasn’t there before the affair (it was sporadic at best), then how can it ever reappear after knowing what we know. Ugh. So many things to think about and face up to.

Thank you, that’s kind.