I recently had a miscarriage, my SIL just gave birth. AIBU to leave the family whatsapp?

[rainraingoaway91]

I wrote a couple months ago about how I have been TTC for around a year. My SIL who is younger than us and much more recently married announced she was pregnant very soon after we started trying. She asked me to hold her baby shower. I then got pregnant but had a miscarriage a few months ago which was obviously devastating. She still expected me to host her shower, which I ended up organising but actually couldn't go because I happened to get covid that week (probably for the best!).

She had her baby a couple weeks ago, and it has set me back so much. I made her some food and brought it round the day after, I really didn't want to hold him but they were very insistent. They got their photo, we did our bit, and I was in tears all the way home and the next couple days. She texted me saying she appreciated it might have been difficult but she wants me involved "as humanly possible". I had to tell her that I would love to be but I need some time.

The constant barrage of photos, and family comments in the family whatsapp is so unbelievably painful and triggering. I feel like I cannot cope. My bil and DH's brother sends photos every single day. AIBU to exit the whatsapp group for a while?

The thing is (with all things being well) are you going to expect the family to be excited for you and share in your moments when it’s your turn?

From what I’m understanding- you have already disengaged.

Also, when you say consideration - do you mean them not posting about your nephew/niece?

I don’t like these sort of comments. I’m sure OP would be happy for others to be excited for their future baby (all being well) but that doesn’t mean OP can’t grieve and step back now. You can’t just think, I won’t be sad or grieve anymore and I’ll just throw myself into all the baby chat as one day I could possibly have this. Especially when you’re in the thick of it.

It’s okay if OP needs to disengage for a couple of months to get her head together and grieve.

I don’t necessarily think the family or SIL have done anything wrong. They are just excited for their new arrival and in a bubble of happiness. They probably aren’t really thinking of OP’s feelings and whilst I was quite thoughtful of my friends feelings (she had multiple losses/infertility) I had already experienced two losses before having my DC so knew to be more mindful. SIL hasn’t had one, so doesn’t understand. I don’t think OP can expect people not to send photos, I think OP should not be forced to hold baby.

Best thing of for OP to retreat for a month or so, mute the chat and get her head together. I don’t think she needs to text SIL to say why she’s pulled back.

She has already taken a big step back though - she muted the chat as soon as the baby was born. (I think I’ve read that right.) And her family have not taken issue with this as I’m assuming they understand.

But I don’t understand what leaving the family chat will do - for both her and the family. As she’s not engaging in the chat now anyway.

It seems she wants something more from them and it’s not clear what..

It’s not a completely unimportant group though - it’s the family WhatsApp group. Leaving it will be a big statement. It’s not petty or cruel or undermining the OP’s grief to point that out.

No one has been vindictive, shitty, petty or cruel here. Its really normal to share baby updates on family WhatsApp groups. I don’t think anyone has demanded the OP engages with the posts, but she is in the group because she is a family member.

Leaving the group will look really aggressive to the rest of the family. It just will. She can achieve the same outcome by just choosing not to look at the messages.

You responded to someone who said their SIL ignored their child’s birthday and it sounds like, their general existence. Grief doesn’t mean you can’t send a gift or a card.

@honestyISkind you win the prize for typing out “petty and cruel” the most times
on this thread.

It is aggressive to leave a family chat. It’s telling your family that you don’t want to receive their updates anymore. I think it is also significant here that these are the OPs in laws, not her own family. It’s a different dynamic. It will look like an attention seeking move, which I think even OP would admit it is - she feels they haven’t thought about her and her grief enough.

That probably is the case but human nature being what it is, they are very unlikely to think “oh yes, we were so petty and cruel by celebrating the birth of our child/grandchild” and much more likely to think “wow OP is a jealous drama queen who needs to get over herself”.

To be clear, that’s not what I think of OP but I don’t know why she needs to risk that reaction when she can just mute the chat and not look at it.

The only aggressive person is you @honestyISkind . We have not called her names like you have called other people, even those of us who have been genuine to the OP.

Most of us have offered empathy and suggested ways the OP does not need to face this such as; muting and archive. We are also wanting her to help preserve her family relationships - if she wants to, that is her choice.

I think the only person on this thread who is being hysterical and aggressive is you.

The advice here is to protect the OP by pointing out the risks of doing something she might later regret.

Agreed

I’ve looked through this entire thread and even those with opposing views have been measured and have just offered advice. No one has been aggressive. And you are the the only poster who seems hysterical.

Already asked and answered. Stop trying to score points and stop being hysterical and aggressive at the expense of a grieving woman.

What's been asked and answered?

@honestyISkind I actually posted on this thread because I’ve had 4 miscarriages - 3 of them in a row before I had my first child, and during a time when loads of my friends and family were having their children.

So I do understand what the OP is going through. It’s really rubbish feeling so sad and so jealous. But we don’t exist in a vacuum and even grief doesn’t give you a free pass to ignore other people’s feelings. It would be such a shame for the OP if her grief caused her to burn bridges with wider family.

I take your point, but I think if they see a grieving woman leaving a group chat as burning her bridges then they're not worth the time and effort and would be showing their true colours.

Maybe true but the bridges will still be burnt and does that leave the OP better off?