I recently had a miscarriage, my SIL just gave birth. AIBU to leave the family whatsapp?

[rainraingoaway91]

I wrote a couple months ago about how I have been TTC for around a year. My SIL who is younger than us and much more recently married announced she was pregnant very soon after we started trying. She asked me to hold her baby shower. I then got pregnant but had a miscarriage a few months ago which was obviously devastating. She still expected me to host her shower, which I ended up organising but actually couldn't go because I happened to get covid that week (probably for the best!).

She had her baby a couple weeks ago, and it has set me back so much. I made her some food and brought it round the day after, I really didn't want to hold him but they were very insistent. They got their photo, we did our bit, and I was in tears all the way home and the next couple days. She texted me saying she appreciated it might have been difficult but she wants me involved "as humanly possible". I had to tell her that I would love to be but I need some time.

The constant barrage of photos, and family comments in the family whatsapp is so unbelievably painful and triggering. I feel like I cannot cope. My bil and DH's brother sends photos every single day. AIBU to exit the whatsapp group for a while?

I agree with this. Have also suffered miscarriages.

This is my thought. dh left my family's chat, literally no-one cared

I agree with others, mute and don't open photos or change a setting to stop them (don't even know if this is possible).

The fact is many people miscarry and while it's a horrendous loss, it's quite normal and I don't think it warrants others changing behaviour. A bit more subtlety of SILs part would help but I don't think its fair to expect her to not show off her baby to the family. Because most of us these days give ourselves such a narrow window to have babies it's inevitable those going through losses do so at the same time as their friends are conceiving and giving birth. It's a constant rubbing of salt in the wound. My entire social life when going through losses involved visiting newborns or going to baby showers, and it was often soul destroying but it's your loss and not theirs and there is an element of putting a brave face on and sucking it up. Dont burn bridges, you don't know what the future holds. You are absolutely entitled to your grief but that can be done in private, if muting chats helps you then do it.

I wish you the best of luck OP, i know it's a really tough time.

Wow how was your support network when you did have a baby if you had refused to be in the room with pregnant women/ babies for 6 years ?

Could you mute it instead?
Sending hugs. 💐

Definitely mute it and take the time you need @rainraingoaway91
I'm sorry they don't see how painful this is for you. I'm also sorry for your loss.

I really sympathise OP as I have had a first trimester miscarriage also, but I do agree with @dammit88 outside of the couple you can only expect so much sympathy for an early miscarriage because they are so common.

I am NC with my sister in law, it is so, so sad that our DCs live in the same town but do not see each other. One day soon I hope you will have your baby, and if your sister in law is a decent person she will throw you a shower and celebrate with you. It's so lovely for cousins to grow up together so please don't risk a family fallout by leaving the group or asking her to tone down her happiness. Mute by all means, but try and get to know your nephew for your future children's sake.

I’ve got a couple of WhatsApp groups locked. I have to physically go in and put my password in to read messages. I can still comment as and when I feel I can.

im so sorry for your loss, it’s so hard being where you are now. Take lots of care of yourself

I've been on the other side of this... I was the friend who could conceive, with a very close friend who sadly could not.

My friend put me under all sorts of pressure to not enjoy my own pregnancies, not discuss them with other people who'd had losses, and to collude with her in all sorts of grief Olympics. It was extremely unhealthy and difficult to navigate. Sadly we are no longer friends and I'm happy for her that she now has DC.

I would really ask you to try to compartmentalise your situation. No-one else's fertility affects yours. No-one else makes their decisions about having DC with you in mind.

Sadly I have no siblings, nieces or nephews. Please do try to enjoy and connect with the family that you have. Tell them of your hurt, but don't relate it to their parenthood.

I'm sorry for your loss and your situation. But please don't alienate what otherwise seem lovely family members, you've got a long time ahead of you to have relationships with them.

Yep, mute her. My daughter miscarried and her cousin was still posting things and even invited her to her baby shower, so insensitive. Since the birth the pictures are never ending, I honestly don’t know how they get the time. I’m so glad I had my daughter before social media, it causes so many issues. I dip into mumsnet now and then when I feel like it, so much easier.

I think that's harsh on your niece. Nothing wrong with inviting your daughter to the shower or sharing photos of her baby. Also nothing wrong with your daughter deciding not to go to the shower or to mute her cousin's feed. The world doesn't stop turning.

This.

I am sorry 💐. I had a miscarriage, another girl in the office was also pregnant and she brought the baby into the office on what would have been my due date. She didn't know, it wasn't deliberate, but I was so upset I had to go home.

Don't leave the group. Just put it to one side, so you can pick it up again in the future with no fuss or drama.

Agreed. That is the point I was trying to making - that the SIL insisted she hold the baby as it would be good for her. Dear god, that is truly appalling. The SIL had been wholly insensitive and crass.

Anyone in the family who would be upset or offended if OP left the group is in the same category.

I've been there. I promise it will get easier. Just mute, don't leave.

Wow, wow, wow! I know the world goes on, but watching your daughter have a miscarriage during covid lockdown and not being able to be with her is fucking heart breaking, and my niece should know better, after all she is a nurse! If a nurse doesn’t understand how a woman feels after such a traumatic event, god help us!

A first trimester loss is awful but very normal as well. Like most women I know I've had one and certainly didn't expect my friends to alter how they marked their own pregnancies or babies.

Like I said, fair enough to take a step back when you're hurting, like we've all advised OP - mute the painful chats until you're feeling stronger.

@CelesteCunningham The world doesn't stop turning

That's it exactly, awful as it sounds. Anyone who has experienced grief knows this feeling, the absolute shock that other people are planning holidays or grocery shopping. 'Stop all the clocks' etc. It's normal to feel like this but it doesn't always mean allowances need to be made.

I don't think anyone thinks that this woman should stop sharing photos of her baby but I don't see why the OP needs to be involved. Surely there are others she can share this joy with for now. I doubt that the OP is the only other person in her life.

It's not so much leaving it's the message it sends, it's saying "I'm not interested and couldn't care less about you or your child" or "did I say something to offend"

It might not be how its intended to be but plenty people would interpret it that way and be pretty hurt.

Which then means an awkward rift starts. Which is hard to heel. Muting protects the Op and means when she's feeling stronger she can unmute

Try to think of him as your nephew, a family member, one of your family circle, rather than a baby.

My two best friends had their babies within four months of each other, at the exact same time I miscarried twice within four months of each other. Not family, but very close friends. I also told them I needed some space and muted our group chat - and didn't speak to either of them for a month. I did make it clear that I wasn't angry, I didn't blame them at all, and I still wanted our friendship, it was just all too painful at the time. They complete understood, and we managed to pick the friendships back up when I'd had some time and space to heal a bit. This was four years ago, and I have a happy and healthy som, who turns 3 this September. Time heals the wounds of miscarriage, too, but while you're in the thick of it, it's perfectly fine to ask for some time and space to heal, especially from people enjoying their pregnancies and newborn babies. Leaving a group chat can be easier than muting as muting still leaves you the option of checking in, but muting comes with less risk of creating drama. Do what's right for you. Sorry for your loss.

But then others would feel like they were being excluded, others have said they felt awful for the 'pity' they received. By sending to everyone she's treating her the same. OP can mute, leaving is unnecessary.

At the end of the day this baby is her nephew, and as many have said, the world keeps turning. OP is grieving, and is still suffering several months later. If someone lost their mum, would it be reasonable for them to refuse to see their spouses or partners mum afterwards as too painful? The nephew is not her baby, and I think OP needs some help processing her grief and needs to protect her mental health meanwhile by muting the chat. Leaving would be like they're doing something wrong by sharing the photos and updates, which they aren't.

Dont leave the group. It’s your nephew
and hes going to be here for the duration.

This could have been our family’s story. Sixteen years on now and everything is good but there were very hard times in the early days.

I lost my identical twins at birth a few months ago. My first baby was stillborn and his brother died 4 days later in my arms. I left the family whstsapp, you do what you have to do to cope. People will understand.