I recently had a miscarriage, my SIL just gave birth. AIBU to leave the family whatsapp?

[rainraingoaway91]

I wrote a couple months ago about how I have been TTC for around a year. My SIL who is younger than us and much more recently married announced she was pregnant very soon after we started trying. She asked me to hold her baby shower. I then got pregnant but had a miscarriage a few months ago which was obviously devastating. She still expected me to host her shower, which I ended up organising but actually couldn't go because I happened to get covid that week (probably for the best!).

She had her baby a couple weeks ago, and it has set me back so much. I made her some food and brought it round the day after, I really didn't want to hold him but they were very insistent. They got their photo, we did our bit, and I was in tears all the way home and the next couple days. She texted me saying she appreciated it might have been difficult but she wants me involved "as humanly possible". I had to tell her that I would love to be but I need some time.

The constant barrage of photos, and family comments in the family whatsapp is so unbelievably painful and triggering. I feel like I cannot cope. My bil and DH's brother sends photos every single day. AIBU to exit the whatsapp group for a while?

Leaving demands attention and makes it about you - I would just mute.

Sorry for your loss.

Of COURSE you're not being in any way even remotely unreasonable and only a pos would pretend otherwise. You're grieving the life you had growing inside you and the life you were planning together, and your hormones will still be all over the place.

Do leave the group if it helps. Caring people will understand, the rest don't matter.

I agree with this. On MN at least, it is considered perfectly reasonable for those who have suffered miscarriages to cut themselves off from friends and family for months on end and to lambast people like the SIL here for her “appalling behaviour” when all she has done is share photos on the family WhatsApp (completely normal, and no doubt the OP will do the same if (when, I hope) she goes on to have a baby) and try to involve the OP in her nephew’s life. Personally I would not have asked OP to organise the baby shower but as others have said if she was the obvious choice it could seem as though she was being overlooked and pitied, which would also have upset her and led to criticism of her SIL.

Any other kind of grief is not treated in the same way - as above, someone who has lost their mum or husband would be considered completely unreasonable if they refused to see or speak to anyone else whose mum or husband is still alive for months. I have said this before but my brother was killed when he was 18. It was utterly awful for me, but I didn’t stop seeing my friends who had brothers, or going to their houses where I might bump into their brothers, as a result.

And obviously nobody has suggested or implied you should never again see or interact with a baby or your family.

One thing that makes grief far worse is other people demanding you move on or get over it.

And leaving a group filled with a "constant barrage" of happy baby pics is perfectly fine.

Turn off automatic download of photos in what's App,mute and archive.

I'm getting the feeling you want them to know that their expectation that you grin and bear your awful loss and not make a fuss and inconvenience anyone might also be behind your desire to ditch the group.

If not then muting is also a decent alternative.

As I've said nothing wrong with sharing photos but that incident where OP was pressured to hold the baby was at best thoughtless and at worst quite cruel. That text was also unnecessary.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Agree with those who have said mute the group; don't leave it. Get your DH/MIL, anyone else helpful in the family, to do a bit of gatekeeping for you.
Our first niece was born when we were waiting for IVF, having found out during the pregnancy that we had no chance of conceiving without intervention. This was before WhatsApp groups/social media, but I found it very, very difficult. And it felt like SIL/BIL, who are lovely, kind and empathetic people, were totally oblivious to what we were going through.
Apart from the central 'having to hold the baby and join in with the excitement', which was viscerally hard to do, the other thing I found very difficult was the sense that I was lacking as a person for not being able to separate our two experiences and be happy for them. Because I really wasn't. It honestly felt like something they had done to me. And of course that is horrible, and illogical, but knowing that didn't make it any different really. I mention it because if you, or anyone else reading this, feel that way, I want you to know that I don't think you're an unusually bad person for feeling like it.
Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry
But mute it, please don't leave.

Why?

Not inviting her is disrespectful to

Because it’s a massive message that you’re cutting yourself off from your family and especially your nephew. It pours pain in to the rest of the family (I know - this was our situation). Mute has the same effect for you as you protect yourself from your pain, but in return you dont inflect a different pain on those I assume you care about. And how do you ask to come back in?

Absolutely protect yourself - that’s totally understandable. But don’t send a message that your family and nephew are somehow to blame for your understandable pain. Because there’s not always an easy ride back.

I wouldn’t actually mute and archive as you still see a notification of how many new messages are being posted under your archived chats which is at the top of the screen, so it’s still a reminder

You can actually lock a WA chat and that way it doesn’t appear on yout screen at all when you’re on WA You actually have to scroll up to find it and then use your thumbprint to open it. So lock the chat, then you won’t see it all but it won’t cause any drama.

Hi Everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts and opinion. I find everyones perspective so helpful. And I am so sorry for all your losses.

I don't have notifications for anything, and I muted and archived the chat as soon as I heard they had the baby. However as some commenters have said, you can still see that there is a notification of this. I have also turned off automatic downloads. So the only further thing to do is to leave the group to be disconnected completely...

I think why it hurts is that even though I know its not about me, I would like my feelings to be considered. I don't see how doing this ruins their joy. They still have their lovely healthy baby.

To answer someone, my SIL has never had a miscarriage, and got pregnant in about 3 months. I continued to organise the baby shower because I didn't want to be difficult or ruin her joy. I asked someone to help me who was able to go on the day. Perhaps I should have had better boundaries but hindsight is a bi*h!

You live and learn OP. They could also have been more sensitive to you and boundaries wouldn't have been needed.

Ah that sucks OP, but leaving the group will be noted and could really damage relations. It makes a huge statement. I think you may well come to regret it.

I'm truly sorry they've made your grief harder and more painful.

Leaving a whatsapp group is a nothing event, if it makes it easier for you, it's absolutely fine.

Caring people will get it. The rest will never get it.

Be prepared though for selfish people to act as though leaving a daft chat group matters more than your grief.

OP of course it’s understandable that you feel sad and jealous but I don’t think they should have to “consider your feelings” if what you really mean is that they shouldn’t be allowed to be happy about their baby on a family whatsapp group?

It doesn’t feel like it but their baby and your miscarriage are completely unrelated events. If you leave the group it will cause drama, it will make you look unreasonable, and you will likely regret it down the line when you have your baby and realise how nice it would be for your baby to have a relationship with its cousin. You would ultimately be shooting yourself in the foot here.

If you’ve already muted and archived the chat then just don’t look at it anymore. If you want some acknowledgment from them then you would be better off having a conversation about it directly.

I might get flamed for this because it’s going against grain but I think yabu. I’m so sorry for your loss and know it’s upsetting for you but I don’t see why they shouldn’t continue to share their joy through photos for those who might be interested like grandparents, uncles and aunts. It’s upsetting you and it makes sense to mute and archive the group till you feel you’re ready for it.

As several of us have pointed out, she can leave the group but what’s her plan when she has her own baby and wants back in so she can share newborn photos and wants the family to be included in her happiness? That’s a tricky one if she’s ducked out of involvement with her nephew. It’s perfectly possible to care and to be pragmatic about family relations.

If the family are that petty that they can't understand the OPs grief and need to withdraw for a time that says more about their characters than anything.

Ask her, not me.

This. A lot of petty and quite cruel responses here.