I recently had a miscarriage, my SIL just gave birth. AIBU to leave the family whatsapp?

[rainraingoaway91]

I wrote a couple months ago about how I have been TTC for around a year. My SIL who is younger than us and much more recently married announced she was pregnant very soon after we started trying. She asked me to hold her baby shower. I then got pregnant but had a miscarriage a few months ago which was obviously devastating. She still expected me to host her shower, which I ended up organising but actually couldn't go because I happened to get covid that week (probably for the best!).

She had her baby a couple weeks ago, and it has set me back so much. I made her some food and brought it round the day after, I really didn't want to hold him but they were very insistent. They got their photo, we did our bit, and I was in tears all the way home and the next couple days. She texted me saying she appreciated it might have been difficult but she wants me involved "as humanly possible". I had to tell her that I would love to be but I need some time.

The constant barrage of photos, and family comments in the family whatsapp is so unbelievably painful and triggering. I feel like I cannot cope. My bil and DH's brother sends photos every single day. AIBU to exit the whatsapp group for a while?

Mute and step back.

If you leave it it looks like yo are being difficult. The new parents are in a bubble and they honestly won't mean any harm

Have been where you are and I know it's brutally hard x

She has withdrawn though. Presumably they've noticed that she's not been reading or commenting on the pictures, and not said anything. Leaving the group is just a much bigger thing - will she one day ask to be added again?

@WhatNoRaisins it will be easier for the OP in the long run if she doesn’t do this now.

Rightly or wrongly the family will probs be annoyed about this, or think the OP is the one being petty or selfish, and that will be hard for OP to come back from. Especially if the dynamic is that this is PIL’s daughter’s baby and PIL’s first grandchild. It won’t benefit the OP if she pisses off all of her in laws, even if they are the ones “in the wrong”.

Ultimately this is her nephew and likelihood is she will have her own child soon enough and want to do all the things she dislikes her SIL doing.

It's up to the OP to decided whether she feels she'd be missing much. Saying her SIL sounds like she has the hide of a rhino is honestly the most generous interpretation I can think of from the behaviour OP has described here.

Yes but the OP probably isn’t thinking straight (understandably).

We have no idea what SIL is thinking or feeling and obviously only had OP’s spin on it. The fact OP has complained about SIL’s age and the fact she got pregnant easily shows that she’s not exactly thinking rationally about any of this.

When I had my mcs I would have been absolutely devastated to have had an invitation to organise a baby shower withdrawn, or not to have been invited to meet my new nephew.

It is a nice thing that the SIL wants the OP involved in her baby’s life. Yes, OP doesn’t want this at this stage, but her feelings will change in the future, even if she can’t see that now.

Obviously SIL isn't here to defend herself but that pushing OP to hold the baby when she didn't want to wasn't nice behaviour and neither was that follow up text.

Again, that’s your interpretation of what OP has said.

Another interpretation is that SIL really wants OP involved in her child’s life, which can only be a compliment to OP. Most people are able to find joy for family members even when they are struggling themselves. Most people would want to meet and hold a new baby in the family. Most people like to take photos of family meeting their baby for the first time. It seems that SIL did actually acknowledge OP’s feelings in the text?

And anyway, my point is, even if SIL actually is being a massive dick, which is very far from clear, it’s still not going to benefit the OP to rock the boat here to this degree, when all she needs to do is avoid looking at messages on a muted chat.

It's not my interpretation, it's what the OP said happened.

Yeah and both you and OP seem to think that

She texted me saying she appreciated it might have been difficult but she wants me involved "as humanly possible"

is “not very nice behaviour”.

Someone else reading that (eg me) might think that it shows that SIL just really wants OP involved in her baby’s life - which is objectively a nice thing.

Yes I think so too.

I've been on both sides of this and tbh I wouldn't have insisted someone hold my baby or organise my baby shower having just suffered a loss themselves. But I would still try to include them and the pictures etc on the WhatsApp group is for all the family so don't see the problem with that. Mute it for a while if it helps.

Totally agree

Just mute it until you are more ready

I’ve had multiple miscarriages and also have had a successful pregnancy (my DS)

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I think you are unbelievably brave and selfless to organise a baby shower so soon after a loss. It sounds like family have been a bit pushy. Mute the chat and don’t check it for a couple of months, give yourself grace and time.

People can be so much in their own happy excited bubble that they do become blinded to how others are feeling. Unless you have lost a baby it’s hard to understand. They aren’t trying to be rude, just excited for SIL.

But you come first, it’s okay to pull away until you are ready x

OP didn’t say they couldn’t send photos on the group chat? Her question was, was she BU to leave the group chat.

That text read to me like her wants are more important than the OPs pain. If SIL was the one with the dilemma here I'd be telling her to cut OP some slack and focus on sharing your joy with people who want to share it with you.

Sure but you don’t know any more than I do. What is more likely - that SIL loves and cares about OP and wants her to be a part of her child’s life, or SIL wants to rub OP’s face in it? without a lot more info it’s impossible to say.

And, again, my point is that even if we assume the absolute worst of SIL, it still ultimately isn’t going to benefit OP to cause what could end up being a family row over this, especially when she could simply make the choice not to look at the WhatsApp’s instead.

OP just needs to be realistic about the family dynamics here. She’s not going to come out of this well if she rains on their happy new baby parade because “no one considered her feelings”. I’m not saying it’s right but it will be 100% how this pans out.

We can do things with the intention of being kind but when the recipient makes it known that our kind attempts are actually hurtful then it's got to stop. I think we all get this wrong sometimes but we can't use the excuse that our intentions were kind to justify carrying on with the behaviour.

Obviously only the OP knows her family but I do find it odd that she's expected to comment on these photos. Miscarriage and grief aside I wouldn't expect that level of interest from my extended family anyway.

She hasn't said she's expected to comment, has she? She's had the group muted for a while already and there's no mentions of criticism from the family for that.

I know OP is hurting, and that's very understandable but to be blunt I think she's expecting a disproportionate level of consideration.

I'd expect to be allowed to quietly withdraw from baby chat after showing some polite interest. I don't know what the rest of the family expect here.

She has. There has been no mention of the family being unhappy with this. OP seems to want to either leave the family group (which could upset or offend) or for the BIL to post fewer photos of his new baby on the family chat (not reasonable).

I hope that's the compromise here.

Disagree. As mentioned I’ve been on the other side. We endured two years of really hurtful behaviour from my sister in law until she had her own child. We tried as hard as we could to be supportive and thoughtful as we could but it is also hurtful when a birthday goes by and their niece or nephew isn’t even acknowledged. When family gatherings for mother in law never happened as the whole family couldn’t be in the same room for fear of upsetting sister in law. Etc etc.

It can cause pain on both sides - it’s not an island of a situation. It’s quite possible that there is unspoken pain being by gone through on the other side as well, but it voiced so as not to minimise the pain of the person who lost the baby.

. Sister in law was welcomed back with open arms when she was ready but it’s not petty to expect others to not hurt with this scenario too in their way.

We can do things with the intention of being kind but when the recipient makes it known that our kind attempts are actually hurtful then it's got to stop.

what has to stop? OP hasn’t said there is any expectation on her to do anything. She told her SIL that she was struggling after she’d hosted the shower and met the baby. Since then all that’s happened is that they have posted pics of their child on the family WhatsApp group (not exactly egregious behaviour).

OP wants to leave the group or perhaps ask them to stop posting pics of their child on it. Doing either of those things would be a bad move.

To everyone saying - someday OP will get her baby. Or “your baby will come to you”

please stop saying this. There’s no way of knowing and for all it’s well meant; it doesn’t validate the grief of now. OP is hurting because it hurts.

Your SIL may never understand, because IME people that have never had a loss but have experienced pregnancy don’t understand how it feels.

I would mute, but you can also just leave WhatsApp entirely. You can just deactivate your account. But that depends on how reliant you are on it.