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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I recently had a miscarriage, my SIL just gave birth. AIBU to leave the family whatsapp?

275 replies

rainraingoaway91 · 22/07/2024 14:18

I wrote a couple months ago about how I have been TTC for around a year. My SIL who is younger than us and much more recently married announced she was pregnant very soon after we started trying. She asked me to hold her baby shower. I then got pregnant but had a miscarriage a few months ago which was obviously devastating. She still expected me to host her shower, which I ended up organising but actually couldn't go because I happened to get covid that week (probably for the best!).

She had her baby a couple weeks ago, and it has set me back so much. I made her some food and brought it round the day after, I really didn't want to hold him but they were very insistent. They got their photo, we did our bit, and I was in tears all the way home and the next couple days. She texted me saying she appreciated it might have been difficult but she wants me involved "as humanly possible". I had to tell her that I would love to be but I need some time.

The constant barrage of photos, and family comments in the family whatsapp is so unbelievably painful and triggering. I feel like I cannot cope. My bil and DH's brother sends photos every single day. AIBU to exit the whatsapp group for a while?

OP posts:
TheSerenePinkOrca · 22/07/2024 14:49

Just mute the group for a bit.

Miscarriages are awful but it's just nature.

I had three MMCs where the uterus kept growing but the foetus had stopped and found out at the 12 week scans. They just weren't meant to be, and I appreciate it's a sad time, but also it's unfair to make someone else feel bad about wanting to share their joy about a baby which is what will happen if you leave the group.

pinkpillowlady · 22/07/2024 14:51

Don’t leave the group.

as hard as it is (and I’ve had a miscarriage and put on a brave face for baby showers and new babies) you will look like the difficult one and as if you’re trying to turn the attention to you.

mute and archive. I hope you’re doing ok and that you are pregnant soon xx

QOD · 22/07/2024 14:54

a friend of mine has ptsd from miscarriage after ruptured ectopics and loss of babies after 5 ivf - she is ticking along ok gradually accepting her new future and then work chats sstart sharing scan photos, not friends, work shift swap chats

I feel so bad for you - she has finally quietly left the group and i noticed whats app has made it so only the admin can see you have left so wouldnt be a massive statement

WHy are people so heartless?? I am infertile but never suffered a loss (never got pregnant) so i am not triggered by this but i am bloody triggered by people being thoughtless

Jeckyl · 22/07/2024 14:54

It sounds to me like SIL has some compassion but it is limited by her (presumably) lack of person experience of struggling to conceive and miscarriage. She has acted without thinking, but is caught up in her own excitement. Is it the first grandchild in the family too? I can imagine it is all very overbearing.

I would mute and archive as suggested. I think it’s likely that SIL and family will understand if they don’t see you actively on the chat. Get DH to speak with them if necessary.

I think it’s something people find very hard to empathise with if they haven’t got direct experience so I would try and give SIL the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure she doesn’t mean to upset and it’s difficult to strike the right balance.

I am very sorry for your loss and struggles and hope you get a positive outcome very soon 💐

maria2bela1 · 22/07/2024 14:55

Mute and archive the group, that way it doesn't appear on your list and easy to ignore. Also, of course this is devastating for you, but them wanting you involved is a huge compliment, so try not to take your frustration out on them ( not that you intend to, but it may just happen) Time is a healer and you'll start to feel better soon, so do what helps you to heal but always remind yourself to stay as rational as possible.

LBFseBrom · 22/07/2024 14:55

Rainrain, I am so very sorry about your miscarriage. I know everyone will be saying this but I sincerely hope you do conceive again, and go on to have a baby, before too long.

I think your SIL was insensitive to expect you to still organise her baby shower but sometimes young people do not think it all out or understand. Later on she will.

Yes, do leave the group for a while. It takes time to grieve but yiou will get through this. Bless you x.

CurbsideProphet · 22/07/2024 14:56

It's so difficult . I've been there with miscarriages and IVF and in-laws giving no sympathy. Mine couldn't care less that I went through the worst time of my life, all that was important was them. Leaving the WhatsApp group would cause a big palaver. It's far easier to mute.

I hope things improve for you soon 💐

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 22/07/2024 15:00

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I was in a similar situation timescale wise many moons ago, so I do understand. But kindly, you would be unreasonable to leave the group. I know your grief is very real, but time is a great healer, and eventually the intensity of your feelings will subside. As you are still struggling, have you looked into support or counselling? Dont cause a big fallout within the family, it could affect your relationship with them, and the baby for the long term. My SIL was very insensitive too (along with a few other family members), but people who haven’t experienced miscarriage can sometimes be a bit thoughtless sadly. Usually nothing more than a lack of understanding though.

Mute the group for a while and take care.

Hankunamatata · 22/07/2024 15:01

Mute and archive. I think you would cause a big fall out leaving the group

TwattyMcFuckFace · 22/07/2024 15:03

Yes just mute it until you're able to handle it.

Also, the fact you continued to plan the baby shower and then cook her food once the baby arrived, may have led her to believe you're coping better than you are.

Quite why your husband couldn't have brought her food is beyond me. Does he know how much you're hurting?

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 22/07/2024 15:04

TiroirSousLeMiroir · 22/07/2024 14:37

Don't leave the group. How far along were you?

Why on earth does that matter?
If a woman tells you she is struggling as she has had a MC or lost a baby, supporting her is key and if you cant do that, saying nothing is best. Hth :)

showersandflowers · 22/07/2024 15:04

Leaving will start a silent war of resentment and misunderstanding. Mute and archive, and focus on yourself.

Tandora · 22/07/2024 15:06

No don’t leave. That will cause upset and drama.

Mute and archive.

so sorry for your loss and praying for your rainbow soon 🌈

Gladespade · 22/07/2024 15:06

I think I would be tempted to leave just to get them to wake up to the fact that this is very difficult for you.
I mean involving you as much as humanly possible is all very well and good if you want to be involved, but it doesn't actually sounds like any one has checked that you do! The needs of the happy new parents do not trump your needs.

OrwellianTimes · 22/07/2024 15:08

First two posters have it - mute and archive it rather than leave, otherwise it creates more drama you don’t need.

So sorry for your loss and pain xx

TwattyMcFuckFace · 22/07/2024 15:09

Gladespade · 22/07/2024 15:06

I think I would be tempted to leave just to get them to wake up to the fact that this is very difficult for you.
I mean involving you as much as humanly possible is all very well and good if you want to be involved, but it doesn't actually sounds like any one has checked that you do! The needs of the happy new parents do not trump your needs.

I think I would be tempted to leave just to get them to wake up to the fact that this is very difficult for you.

Yes but this is what words are for.

And if the OP is too upset to tell her, this is where her husband needs to step in and support her.

JumpinJellyfish · 22/07/2024 15:11

This baby is your nephew - he will be in your life forever. I know this is hard for you but it is absolutely normal that they and the rest of the family are excited about the new arrival and that they want you and your DH - the baby’s aunt and uncle - to visit, meet and hold their baby.

It is also totally understandable that this is hard for you - I get it, I’ve had 4 miscarriages and am going through no 5 right now - but leaving the group will make way too much of a statement, like you’re trying to ruin their joy and make this all about you. Just mute the group and ignore until you feel ready. This will get easier in time.

YOYOK · 22/07/2024 15:13

Don’t leave but do mute it and archive it. Protect your own feelings and take care.

User364837 · 22/07/2024 15:14

Just quietly mute and archive, I wouldn’t leave and make a scene or make her feel bad.

Mitsky · 22/07/2024 15:14

I might be the only one saying this but I think you are being a little unreasonable.

I had two years of trying / multiple miscarriages and if I had left groups (including an in-law one where photos of the one grandchild are shared all the time) or refused to engaged with people with babies, my world and support system would have been a lot smaller. I appreciate that for you though withdrawal may be your preference.

Soontobe60 · 22/07/2024 15:19

In your shoes I would speak directly to the parents, explain how you feel and tell them you’re muting the group for a while.

Wetblanket78 · 22/07/2024 15:25

So sorry for your loss.

I would just mute the notifications.

It was a bit much though to expect you to still carry on with the baby shower arrangements.You needed time to grieve. She could have asked someone else to take over. Contact with the new arrival should be on your terms not forced upon you.

diddl · 22/07/2024 15:27

She still expected me to host her shower

Maybe-but why did you?

Where's your husband in all of this?

What does he think of it all?

dammit88 · 22/07/2024 15:30

Im going to go against the grain here but I think you are being unreasonable.

Miscarriages are very upsetting and im sorry for your loss. But one miscarriage, as upsetting as it may have been, a few months ago, after a year of trying should not mean you are unable to share in the joy of a new baby in the family. Her being younger and more recently married is irrelevant.

I certainly don't think you should make them feel bad by saying you find the messages difficult either. It is normal to share these things with family.

I say this as someone who experienced multiple losses.

TiroirSousLeMiroir · 22/07/2024 15:30

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 22/07/2024 15:04

Why on earth does that matter?
If a woman tells you she is struggling as she has had a MC or lost a baby, supporting her is key and if you cant do that, saying nothing is best. Hth :)

Show quote history

I already explained why I asked. Hth.