I recently had a miscarriage, my SIL just gave birth. AIBU to leave the family whatsapp?

[rainraingoaway91]

I wrote a couple months ago about how I have been TTC for around a year. My SIL who is younger than us and much more recently married announced she was pregnant very soon after we started trying. She asked me to hold her baby shower. I then got pregnant but had a miscarriage a few months ago which was obviously devastating. She still expected me to host her shower, which I ended up organising but actually couldn't go because I happened to get covid that week (probably for the best!).

She had her baby a couple weeks ago, and it has set me back so much. I made her some food and brought it round the day after, I really didn't want to hold him but they were very insistent. They got their photo, we did our bit, and I was in tears all the way home and the next couple days. She texted me saying she appreciated it might have been difficult but she wants me involved "as humanly possible". I had to tell her that I would love to be but I need some time.

The constant barrage of photos, and family comments in the family whatsapp is so unbelievably painful and triggering. I feel like I cannot cope. My bil and DH's brother sends photos every single day. AIBU to exit the whatsapp group for a while?

She’s an absolute moron. “Appreciate it might have been difficult”. She appreciates nothing, clearly. Mute the group and choose “always”. If they want you there can be a new group for other chat. Your DH needs to step up and try to help people realise how awful this is for you.

Fertility struggles are the absolute worst, so sorry OP. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and get through. Obviously I mean, taking yourself away if you need to, not anything actively nasty, which I've no doubt you wouldn't do anyway.

We also struggled to conceive and then miscarried. A bit different, but that Christmas my brother and SIL (who didn't know), had a heavily pregnant friend over for Christmas at the same as I was there. The whole day was such a struggle as I could barely bring myself to even look at the woman. Can't imagine having to deal with the photos every day as you describe. If the roles were reversed now that I've had my babies, I would never begrudge anyone with fertility issues avoiding me if they found it too much x

"If the roles were reversed now that I've had my babies, I would never begrudge anyone with fertility issues avoiding me if they found it too much."

Precisely.

She's harming absolutely nobody by trying to avoid triggers till she feels less raw.

And demanding that someone gets over grief faster or in a way that others find convenient, or lecturing anyone grieving about how you dealt with your situation always makes everything worse.

She will do what she needs to do. Compassionate people will get it.

But my sister in law didn’t just leave a group chat. If they had existed she would have done.

She made Christmas an impossible choice for my poor mother in law for example as she didn’t want to be in a room with our daughter.

And we WERE understanding. We never pressured her. But my god did it all hurt on the other side too. Just in a different way.

I've had a think about this (because I posted earlier). You are being a bit unreasonable. Will you not expect such attention when you have a baby? The world does not revolve around only ourselves but includes other people, their sorrows and their joys. Other members of your family are statistically likely to have had a miscarriage (1 in 4 pregnancies end like that) even if they have never mentioned it (I have had 2, one life-threatening, but - apart from this post - don't tell people about them, they're done and I have other children).
Try to be happy for your SiL. I hope that she may soon have occasion to be happy for you.

Again, the “you might have a baby one day so suck it up and be happy” comment.

Yes, I’m sure OP would appreciate others to be happy for her but that doesn’t mean OP can’t grieve for her baby she’s recently lost and distance herself from baby related messages.

I do not think OP should leave the group, but I do think muting for a month or two would help.

I couldn’t bare the thought of looking at babies after I lost my pregnancies. Even best friends, I was happy for them but stepped away.

I don’t think SIL and family are doing anything wrong in being excited over the new arrival, you can’t stop others being happy whilst you grieve. But avoiding your triggers until you’re ready is common sense.

Just to clarify here I absolutely agree the OP should mute and archive the conversation to protect herself. This is absolutely the right thing to do, and I would have been totally understanding if my own sister in law had done that (if what’s app existed back then).

However, leaving the group is a somewhat more aggressive message and is likely to make the family feel undeserved guilt for having a baby or somehow to blame for their SILs unhappiness. That’s hard to come back from if she wants to.

It is equally possible to try and support your family member in pain and feel pain yourself about the situation.

@Crystalbabe I think every single person on this thread has agreed it’s fine for OP to step away and ignore the messages, mute the chat and take the time she needs.

But the OP has already done this. She’s contemplating leaving the group, which you agree she shouldn’t do.

It is relevant to consider how she will feel in the future and how she would feel if she was in SIL’s position. Ultimately OP should be actively trying to get herself to a place where she can be happy for her SIL and enjoy her nephew, not entrenching herself in grief or cutting herself off. This is her family. This baby isn’t going to disappear. And if he did it wouldn’t bring OP’s baby back. Of course this may take time.

I know what you are trying to say here.

It is really hard for us to comment really, as grief is so individual.

For example my twin loss broke me, I had to remove myself from pregnant friends lives for a little while and I had to have counselling.

Someone else could go through the same loss but still manage to see pregnant friends, and feel like they do not need counselling.

The baby is going anywhere and is her nephew, that is a fact and something OP knows and needs to understand. I do think OP has every right to step back for a bit until she gets her head together a bit. It’s understandable to need time to grieve.

Personally I wouldn't leave the group. You will get to a place eventually where you will be ok and having access to that might be something you want. I wouldn't cut that off for your future self. Mute, archive and ignore the little number that tells you something is there.

I say this as someone who also struggled. I had a still birth a month before my SIL welcomed a healthy baby and then further miscarriages when close friends welcomed babies. It felt like every time something went wrong for us, it was a happy outcome for others. I was constantly surrounded by happiness when I was grieving. BUT what I can say is now looking back (4 years later from the start of it all) I am grateful I could access those memories and milestone when I was ready to. It felt like I didn't miss out in the moment by being able to look at things when I was ready.

I know its hard right now....I totally get it....but your loss is specific to you and your DH. As brutal as it sound, it doesn't factor on your SIL, BIL journey. She has acknowledged it may be difficult for you and really that is all you can ask. It will suck for a while but it does get better. Being involved in my nephews and friends children's life's as they grew up, really helped me to move past and out of a huge black hole I was in. Am I reminded every day even now what/who is missing....Yes 100% but I choose to be involved with what I do have and remember what I don't but not let it make me miss what is right in front of me.

As someone who has been in the exact same position I’d just mute and keep it to yourself as it’s very likely you will have a baby soon of your own and then you will feel awful if you have fallen out with your SIL .

@SpicyKitty Thank you for your detailed response. If my DH wanted to go and see his nephew I absolutely wouldn't mind. He has his own journey with it. "they can’t be expected to keep quiet and not talk about such a momentous thing (to them) among family WhatApps for fear of causing upset."

I just want to point out, why is it expected for women who are struggling to keep quiet? for fear of upsetting others?

Obviously I hope I will have good news soon and if I do I would want the same from my family and in laws HOWEVER if my SIL's had recently had a miscarriage I would definitely be so much more careful about what I posted and probably send direct messages to PIL's or whoever I wanted to see the photo. If they are lucky enough not to have recently experienced a m/c then why would I need to be careful? Every situation is different and how people react and take grief is different too.

Of course I am happy for my SIL and BIL, and I wouldn't want them to think otherwise. I don't see how thinking about my feelings would take away theirs though..

@rainraingoaway91 when my SIL had a miscarriage, we made sure that no baby updates were put in the group chat - all pics etc we just messaged to MIL directly. To me that feels like common sense unless SIL had specifically said she wanted to be included.

Can you get your husband to have a word and suggest they stop sending them on the group chat for a while ? Surely it wouldn’t be a huge inconvenience for them to have a separate chat for a while.

The harsh reality is not everyone will think about your feelings after you have a miscarriage. Some of us have more empathy than others.

I experienced this myself. I had to pull away from pregnant friends who went overboard on baby this and baby that. I was so upset that they didn’t even consider my feelings, seeing as I had 2 miscarriages close together. I didn’t expect them to continuously check on me, with them being pregnant and having their own lives. But I did just want a bit of compassion.

These friends were not nasty, and honestly some people are just in the baby bubble and in an exciting time of their life. They just didn’t think.

Even after giving birth to my rainbow baby, I was very considerate and ensured I didn’t send photos to my friends dealing with loss and infertility. I would usually say “hey, baby is here and we are OK, did you want a photo” i made sure not to bombard them.

I think the other thing is, SIL isn’t sending these photos direct to you, it’s in a group chat. I would honestly just mute the group and not check it for a month or two.

Sorry for your loss x there are organisations out there that can provide support, unfortunately not everyone knows how to deal or what to say xx

I have had several friends and acquaintances, and relatives, who have had miscarriages, cot deaths and also children born at c. 24 weeks who did not survive. Perhaps we come from a more robust age, the 80s and 90s, but we expressed our grief to each other without cutting ourselves off from family and friends and other events. I remember vividly the week after I had miscarried and come home from hospital (had to stay in, needed a blood transfusion, was very ill) sitting in the mother and toddler group, on the floor, playing with my two-year-old and trying very hard to still the tears. I stayed, and overcame my tears. I did not disengage from those who had children or babies - impossible to do so since I had a toddler.
Many will understand but say nothing, that does not mean they do not understand.
And at no point did I say 'suck it up' - I would never say such a thing, nor imply it.

OP what I have to say is going to hurt, and I'm not saying it to hurt you but because I think your expectations are disproportionate and may cause more harm.

A first trimester loss a few months ago is not the kind of loss that mean people will shield you from baby photos in the here and now. We're not talking years of infertility, failed IVF, late loss, still birth, SIDS etc etc etc that would mean people would be more careful. A single first trimester loss is very very common. People will hear of it and think "Oh that's a real shame, I hope they're ok" and then think no more of it until the very very likely pregnancy announcement a few months down the line when they'll think "Oh I'm so glad things worked out for them, how lovely". The family aren't being insensitive by sharing baby photos, they really really really aren't, and if you're struggling to this extent it may be worth seeking some counselling.

Do you realise how rude you have come across in this comment? You say you’d never imply to suck it up but comments such as “we come from a more robust age” or “I had to hold in my tears and overcome them”
basically imply you were able to suck it up but OP isn’t.

Everyone deals with grief differently, this is the thing once you have a miscarriage you get the constant “I know x y z who had later losses and that was worse but they got on with it”

Why is it so hard for some people to understand that losing a baby is a big bloody deal and it’s OKAY to grieve and take space if you need it.

OP doesn’t need to feel ready to be all go go baby over her nephew if she doesn’t feel able to right now, just because sally was able to in the 80’s.

I am sorry for your loss. But everyone is different x

My thoughts entirely, having gone through this myself (three times).

I did not say or imply anyone should 'suck it up'. But the OP lost a pregnancy in the first trimester. This is common. People will not walk on eggshells about this and the necessity is to overcome the pain. My tears were for my second miscarriage (one that brought me near to death) but I coped and became pregnant again - I kept on living in order to live.
I think the suggestion that the OP seeks counselling is a good one.

A first trimester loss is common, but so is losing a parent or grandparent. Very different losses of course, not comparable but we wouldn’t tell someone who’s just lost their mum “aww, everyone loses their mum it’s common unfortunately you’ll move on soon” but it’s acceptable to say this to a woman after a miscarriage.

I do not think people need to walk on eggshells, and I do also agree SIL isn’t doing anything wrong with being in her excited little newborn bubble.

It’s the people making out like OP is wrong in taking space and grieving that I have an issue with

@Grammarnut also agree about the counselling. It does help especially after going through a loss.

Remember everyone is different, not everyone gets their rainbow baby either.

I just cannot believe how insensitive, and downright horrible, some people are being. Apparently miscarriages in the "old days" didn't matter and people just got on with it? I thought one of the things we were SUPPOSED to do better now, is acknowlege that they do? It's not a competition, and just got other people have "got over it" doesn't alter how the OP is feeling.
WOW!

I’m speechless at her insensitivity, I really am. She expected you to hold a baby shower and cuddle a newborn right after a miscarriage? I’d not worry about muting the chat - you’ll still see there’s 457 messages there to read and people may even ask you if you’ve seen things. Your husband should be the one to tell her that you need to exit the group for a bit to have some space from the continued baby updates.

A first trimester miscarriage is not comparable to losing a parent (I have experienced both). It's very sad to lose a wanted pregnancy and one takes time to grieve. The OP seems to be triggered by the family baby photos. If that's the case then not engaging is sensible. But counselling is sound advice and if the miscarriage is now several months ago that would seem to be urgent.