I recently had a miscarriage, my SIL just gave birth. AIBU to leave the family whatsapp?

[rainraingoaway91]

I wrote a couple months ago about how I have been TTC for around a year. My SIL who is younger than us and much more recently married announced she was pregnant very soon after we started trying. She asked me to hold her baby shower. I then got pregnant but had a miscarriage a few months ago which was obviously devastating. She still expected me to host her shower, which I ended up organising but actually couldn't go because I happened to get covid that week (probably for the best!).

She had her baby a couple weeks ago, and it has set me back so much. I made her some food and brought it round the day after, I really didn't want to hold him but they were very insistent. They got their photo, we did our bit, and I was in tears all the way home and the next couple days. She texted me saying she appreciated it might have been difficult but she wants me involved "as humanly possible". I had to tell her that I would love to be but I need some time.

The constant barrage of photos, and family comments in the family whatsapp is so unbelievably painful and triggering. I feel like I cannot cope. My bil and DH's brother sends photos every single day. AIBU to exit the whatsapp group for a while?

Just mute it, she understandably happy and wants you to be involved, not a given but it's painful which she knows. I suspect the first thing you saw the baby will be the worst bit though because from now it will stop being "a baby" and start being thus very specific child not your potential baby if that makes sense, certainly it's what my friends felt, they have since had a baby, took 8 years.

People will feel offended but you have to do what's best for you if you send a lil message saying you need a couple of weeks I'd hope empathy was given x

I hope you have some support where you can openly express your feelings... there are many different approaches, emotional freedom technique or tapping, can be really helpful to name, feel and move your emotions.

Well ive touched a few nerves I can see, and don't want to imply im not sorry for the OP loss, or to suggest its not upsetting.

I still feel there is huge difference between struggling to have a relationship with a new baby in the family for someone following a late pregnancy loss to struggling after an early miscarriage. And the OP did post on AIBU.

Many many women experince miscarriages in the first trimester. They can be scary and painful and women grieve for the hope and future that pregnancy meant for them. I do get that. But an early loss that stops that enjoying a new family member a few months later suggests a bit more going on to me.

I can see it would be increasing diffcult after a long period of infertility, of several losses, of late losses, all sorts of reasons. But there is nothing to suggest any of these things here. I know grief isn't a competition and I know we all grieve differently. But there comes a point where I feel we perhaps do not help ourselves at all if we allow some of these losses to become so all encompassing.

I expect I am not articulating this well, and I don't want to suggest early losses are not sad or difficult. Argh. I think I can't explain how I feel about it actually without causing offence so I'll bow out. I honestly think the OP would feel happier if she was able to try and have a relationship with this new member of her family instead of distancing herself which I don't think will help her at all. If she is certain it would I guess that is what she must do.

Ahhh OP that sounds like a really tough situation, so sorry for your loss.

It can be really hard to know the most sensitive way to approach miscarriage when you are pregnant yourself - my SIL & a close friend sadly had miscarriages whilst I was pregnant. SIL did not acknowledge my pregnancy at all so we didn’t mention anything about it around her. My close friend said she would be upset if I didn’t talk about it with her as she wanted to be part of the excitement for me.

So whilst there is no wrong way to feel / act, I think they key is making sure you (or your DH) communicate how you’re feeling so family know that the constant photos & trying to include you are really upsetting you.

Ive been the one with failed ivfs and miscarriages and if a SIL had demanded I held the baby I would have left the room never mind the group. So what if it causes a drama? It’s the appalling behaviour of SIL that is causing the drama.

She must think she’s some kind of amateur psychologist. OP, your DH needs to step up and fast. He should have told his family that you are not up for this and won’t be for a while. No one gets to tell you what you should do. No one.

What's the group actually for?

Tbh if it's upsetting you why not leave?

Your husband can tell you anything important.

If the others care they would understand-if not, fuck 'em!

It’s about more than the grief for some of us. I couldn’t stand the barely disguised pity and the awkward comments of in-laws. One Christmas was spectacularly awful. In hindsight we should have gone away instead.

For many women the only thing that helps you heal is your own successful pregnancy. That was certainly my experience. My mental health would have been hammered if I’d had to go for more years experiencing more Christmases and first birthdays without my own baby.

I am very sorry for your loss and fertility struggles. I have been there and it’s so painful.

Definitely mute and archive the group and give yourself some distance for now, you need to protect your own mental health and put your needs first. I’d really recommend counselling to help you advocate for yourself, and to support your grief.

At times I had to distance myself from friends who weren’t the right people for me to be around. But they understood/accepted it, and now we are closer than ever. I really hope you are the other side of this very soon.

Is there some reason you cannot try again now, if it's several months since the sad event?
Also, don't cut yourself off from family because of this. Without doubt, they know how you are feeling (1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so it is likely some older women relatives will have had this experience) but also know that not seeing your SiL's baby is no cure for your unhappiness.

OP, I’m really very sorry to hear of your loss, and that you are having such a hard time at the moment.

I agree with PPs- just mute and archive the group. No-one gets notified, and you won’t have to see it unless you look. There will be a setting somewhere which stops Whattsapp saving photos to your device as well (all though I’m not sure how you do that).

best wishes 💐

Just offering my support OP. This is the most painful thing, you don’t have to endure it to make others comfortable. Obviously they want to share updates with the family but equally obviously it’s hurtful for you to receive them.

Leave the WhatsApp group if you want to. I wouldn’t personally announce it, but if you feel it needs explaining your DP could do that on your behalf.

I agree, it was really not appropriate. She could have at least asked beforehand if you (OP) would feel ok holding her baby, but it sounds like you didn’t get much choice. It should be up to you to decide how much involvement, if indeed any, you feel comfortable with, not SIL. You can always ask to do more in the future, depending on how your feelings change.
I am really sorry for your loss, as well.

The OP says they were insistent about her holding the baby, nobody demanded she did it.

Given the OP continued to arrange the baby shower and cook food for her SIL after the miscarriage, it's quite likely her SIL thinks she's in a better place mentally than she actually is.

I feel for the OP and her loss but I can’t see where the SIL’s behaviour has been appalling or where she has caused a load of drama?
It’s a painful world and the SIL is allowed to feel happy about her new baby, just as much as the OP is allowed to feel grief for what she has been through. One does not trump the other.

Don't leave. They are right to share news in a family what's app about their news. Their happiness shouldn't be suppressed because of your sadness. Having said that. It's really difficult for you so i would mute the group. Ask your dh to rell you when there is anything you should be aware of, someone taken ill, party invite etc so you know the relevant bits and unmute when you're feeling you can handle this better which may not be for a long time and thats ok.

But to leave the group is churlish

I do agree with this.

Missing the point somewhat but, would people on here genuinely fall out with family/in-laws because they left a group chat???

I know what you mean @dammit88 and I don't think you've expressed yourself poorly at all.

Another vote for mute

If sister in law wasn’t sure, she was capable of asking OP and respecting her wishes.

No one has caused a drama. Clearly OP is keen to avoid just that, otherwise she wouldn't have posted this thread.

No one is suggesting SiL should suppress her joy or that the family are not entitled to share in their happiness. Hence the majority consensus that OP would be better off muting the group rather than leaving.

But the pressure of expectation from SiL on a woman she knows has just suffered a miscarriage to host her baby shower - grabby and vulgar in the extreme anyway but that's aside from the point - is going beyond insensitive and is well into the territory of crass. OP had done a brave thing in meeting her baby nephew in the first place. Having done so despite her own understandable pain, she should not have come under pressure from SiL to hold him.

IMO, such behaviour is appalling.

For many women the only thing that helps you heal is your own successful pregnancy. That was certainly my experience. My mental health would have been hammered if I’d had to go for more years experiencing more Christmases and first birthdays without my own baby.

And that is exactly what the OP is obviously worried about. She was trying for this baby for a year and has had a miscarriage. The one year mark is the time when it looks like it isn't going to happen and you're facing investigations for infertility with all of stress and upset that causes and the very, very real fear of being childless.

It is a situation that my step-daughter is currently in. Her and her partner have started down the long and lonely road of potentially being the only ones in their friendship group without children and all the judgement and unwanted advice and opinions that comes with it.

I have been in your shoes. Do whatever is right for you. My advice tho would be to mute the chat rather than leave and it means you can look whenever you're alone and ready rather than get notifications randomly.

Leaving a group chat of close family, especially if the chat is mainly about someone else's new baby, is quite the statement.

Muting it and being a quiet or even silent participant, not quite so much.