I recently had a miscarriage, my SIL just gave birth. AIBU to leave the family whatsapp?

[rainraingoaway91]

I wrote a couple months ago about how I have been TTC for around a year. My SIL who is younger than us and much more recently married announced she was pregnant very soon after we started trying. She asked me to hold her baby shower. I then got pregnant but had a miscarriage a few months ago which was obviously devastating. She still expected me to host her shower, which I ended up organising but actually couldn't go because I happened to get covid that week (probably for the best!).

She had her baby a couple weeks ago, and it has set me back so much. I made her some food and brought it round the day after, I really didn't want to hold him but they were very insistent. They got their photo, we did our bit, and I was in tears all the way home and the next couple days. She texted me saying she appreciated it might have been difficult but she wants me involved "as humanly possible". I had to tell her that I would love to be but I need some time.

The constant barrage of photos, and family comments in the family whatsapp is so unbelievably painful and triggering. I feel like I cannot cope. My bil and DH's brother sends photos every single day. AIBU to exit the whatsapp group for a while?

I agree with you. A loss at 20 weeks is not the same as a loss at 6 weeks. People may claim differently but I'll never be persuaded otherwise.

OP just leave the group. If that is what you want

I mean it will come across as flouncing, but you do you

Thank you. I have lost at 7, 9, 12, 15 and 19 weeks. The latter two led to a funeral and ashes. The compassion received and length of that compassion varied depending on how far along I was. Ditto my own grief.

Whilst I would definitely go quiet on the chat, and have done the same, leaving it would be unkind to the SIL. Moreover we cannot know if the SIL hasn't had a loss herself, but chose to keep it to herself.

I'm very sorry that you're in this unhappy group of grieving women, OP.

Editing to add that if in fact the OP's loss was early, I am in no way denigrating her grief.

Mute and archive.

I am sorry for your loss and know how much it hurts. I have two children. Three of my babies reached the third trimester (one obviously didn't make it), two the second. At least 3/4 5 to 7 weeks.

I am afraid you have to learn to smile in public and cry in private.

That's appalling that she made you hold the baby. Shows a huge lack of understanding. It took me six years to get pregnant, I couldn't even be in the same room as a baby or pregnant woman, let alone hold one. I would mute and archive. Hopefully she will get the message soon enough and you can deal with this in your own time.

Mute it, and go in every week or so and post "Ah so cute! x" or similar in response to a photo.

It's understandable that it's hard for you, but there's a new baby in the family and no one is doing anything wrong in being excited about that. If you put up walls now they may not come down, people disappearing during significant moments in a person's life can really damage family relations.

im so sorry for you loss and sending you virtual gentle hugs... my advise is to mute and archive the chat for now, so you can dip in and out when you are ready. my guess is the flood of baby pics will soon die down, and eventually you may feel ready to take up the conversation again. i know that at this point it all feels too much, but time is a great healer

Muting and archiving haven't stopped notifications fully for me on Whatsapp, don't know if I was doing it wrong. I might not get the banner notification but I still get the red dot. And I archived a chat before but the person kept replying and it just popped back up again.

So based on that OP I would be leaving the group. I don't think you need to announce your departure, but I would be protecting my mental health before anyone else's feelings in this situation. Your DH can maybe explain to his brother that you are still healing from your miscarriage and while you are over the moon for them and in love with your nephew, you need to take some time to move past your own loss, and you appreciate their understanding. Anyone who can't give you some time and space in that respect is an arsehole.

Sister in law sounds very self centred and thoughtless. Leave if it will help. It might make her think! Probably won’t. But you do what’s best for you. It’s only a family chat.

Definitely mute the group and set so photos don't automatically download.
I've been in similar situations where friends had babies and 'everyone' just had to hold the baby. In their joy they seemed to forget that not everyone might want to hold the baby. As someone who also had losses, it was incredibly hard seeing the babies.
I'd see if your husband can have a chat with his brother about it, but then that might make matters worse!

I’m so sorry. I’m in the similar boat struggling TTC and I honestly think a baby announcement from anyone I know would tip me over the edge right now. As others have said, just mute the group and archive it so you can’t see any updates.

I actually can’t believe anyone would say you are being unreasonable as there is not a “right” way to handle grief or loss. When someone is shoving something in your face that you have desperately wanted for years, it’s human nature to be sad/envious. It’s not to say you don’t care for them or that baby, but that you aren’t in a place mentally at the moment to deal with that, and that’s ok.

But one miscarriage, as upsetting as it may have been, a few months ago, after a year of trying should not mean you are unable to share in the joy of a new baby in the family. Her being younger and more recently married is irrelevant

Dear Lord there’s no sense (or humanity) in telling another woman how to feel about the loss of her pregnancy. OP is grieving right now and that is valid. She’s not in a place to share in the joy of another woman’s new baby right now because she’s in pain at the loss of her own; she also feels triggered by the fact that her SIL is younger and more recently married. All these feelings matter because they are real, regardless of your opinions about how she should feel.

How OP chooses to act on them is different and I agree with others - mute, don’t leave.

I’m sure your SIL is wrapped up in her own world - I wouldn’t say she is being mean but she probably doesn’t know or understand how you are feeling right now. Well people tend to go goey over babies - I know it doesn’t help you.

Depending on how close you are, you could tell her how hard things are at the moment so she had it in mind. If you are not close at all, then as a PP said, ask your parent to speak to them.

I can imagine how you feel - I had a similar situation where I couldn’t be around babies - at the time I was attending a church and everyone was getting pregnant so I left. It’s tough! It took a while to not get triggered but it takes work to get there.

Archive the WhatsApp group if you can as I’m sure that you will want to rejoin eventually. Focus on your healing in the meantime.

I am sorry for your loss, and I know it hard for you to connect to the new baby.

my niece was born at the same time that I experiencing child loss.

it made it very difficult to connect with her, and I did the bare minimum in terms of having a relationship with her for the first year. I pulled back as it was too hard, but I also regret it and wished I had of pushed myself more when she was younger as it has impacted our relationship now that she is nearly 3. This is just kind words of warning as I wouldn’t want you to have the same regrets I do

They aren't doing anything wrong. They are excited new parents, sharing photos and updates as any other couple would. It is natural that it is taking over everything else at the moment.

Unless SIL has experienced miscarriage, she will not know how upsetting the baby shower could be, as society broadly minimises the emotional impact. It will no longer be anywhere close to top of mind for her, or most of the family. I am not saying this is how it should be, but it is how it is.

Leaving the family chat would be making it all about OP, at a time when it is rightly about the new baby. As others suggest, muting and archiving would be a far better option

Same. The messages still pop up.

If there’s no technical fix and you want to have a complete break from the messages @rainraingoaway91 , I would briefly explain why to SIL before you leave the group. You want to stay in touch and you care about their baby, but for the short term, given the impact on your well-being, you need to focus on healing.

SIL has been insensitive, although from her point of view she is probably just excited about the baby. She’s in her own bubble.

Please ignore people trying to minimise your loss, or compare to how they felt. You are mourning a future that you were planning for, and that kind of loss feels hard regardless of how far along you were. Empathic support from you partner and family can make a big difference too.

Do seek counselling if you feel it will help you move forwards.

I don’t like your SIL. To be demanding of your time and wanting your involvement as much as possible doesn’t sit well with me.

Your criticism comes off as quite critical of the fact they are besotted with their baby, taking lots of photos, as is rest of family. I do think you are being a bit precious - why shouldn't they celebrate?

Mute it for now. If you leave what is the plan when you hopefully conceive again and have your baby? If you’d then plan to rejoin and want to celebrate and share your own baby I wouldn’t make a big statement.

It’s often been the case on here that a woman feels as you do, declines much involvement with a friend or relative’s baby through grief and then expects to forget that when it’s her turn to enjoy fuss and involvement of a new baby.

If notifications might still pop up, I would leave the group after a friendly message saying 'I love you all but am going to take a little break from this group. See you soon' or something like that.

My world became incredibly small after my first baby died. The only way I could cope was to avoid any situations where there could be pregnancy/baby chat ie pretty much everything. It was awful and it took me a long time to build things up again, but there was no chance of me being able to behave anything like a normal, sane person for a long time.

I feel you OP, I really do.
The pain of a miscarriage is unbelievable and only someone who can't grasp it would still be asking you to hold baby shower.
Do what's best for you. Having been through it, I wouldn't be offended.

I'm so sorry your baby died ❤️

I wouldn’t leave the group chat, as others suggested mute it. I know it’s awful and extremely hard to see someone with something you haven’t now got but completely ignoring might cause some resentment down the line. SIL is going through the most wonderful experience and one day hopefully you will get that and won’t you want family around you to share that? If you explain it’s hard at the moment I would like to think they would be understanding

So sorry for your loss OP.

Agree with the rest on mute + archive. Don’t look at the messages.

I went through years of infertility and IVF. Meanwhile my younger sister got accidentally pregnant. She was very sensitive and would never have made me hold the baby for a photograph. It sounds like your SIL is being insensitive

Sometimes in this situation there is just no right or wrong thing to do. I would often be seething inside when friends announced pregnancies or births and shared photos with me, invited me to baby showers etc. But then when they didn't invite me or tried to not share too much about their babies or pregnancies to spare my feelings I was furious because they were giving me the special treatment. There was no right thing that anyone could do because I was so mixed up by my own emotions and I didn't really know how I wanted them to behave. I was happy for them, angry with them , but mainly jealous which is a hard emotion to admit but a very real and valid one! I found seeing SIL with her baby very hard despite us being close but when my friends newborn came home from hospital and her husband was working I marched round with a lasagne and insisted on holding her baby while she ate, it didn't bother me at all, I enjoyed it. With yo yo emotions like that how could anyone ever do the right thing by me?!

Recognising this I gritted my teeth, bought gifts, sent cards, wrote all the right things in messages and ticked all the right boxes in being 'a good aunty and a good friend' even though it was so difficult to do. I cried in private, on my own, lots!!

A few years down the line I have my own children now (very very lucky I know) but I am glad I did it my way because now those hard times are over I can look back and feel happy with my choices.

You have to look after you. If you need to leave the group personally, I would explain to SIL and leave on good terms.

I know it's so so hard though x