I recently had a miscarriage, my SIL just gave birth. AIBU to leave the family whatsapp?

[rainraingoaway91]

I wrote a couple months ago about how I have been TTC for around a year. My SIL who is younger than us and much more recently married announced she was pregnant very soon after we started trying. She asked me to hold her baby shower. I then got pregnant but had a miscarriage a few months ago which was obviously devastating. She still expected me to host her shower, which I ended up organising but actually couldn't go because I happened to get covid that week (probably for the best!).

She had her baby a couple weeks ago, and it has set me back so much. I made her some food and brought it round the day after, I really didn't want to hold him but they were very insistent. They got their photo, we did our bit, and I was in tears all the way home and the next couple days. She texted me saying she appreciated it might have been difficult but she wants me involved "as humanly possible". I had to tell her that I would love to be but I need some time.

The constant barrage of photos, and family comments in the family whatsapp is so unbelievably painful and triggering. I feel like I cannot cope. My bil and DH's brother sends photos every single day. AIBU to exit the whatsapp group for a while?

So sorry you're going through this, OP.

I experienced something very similar. I had multiple losses, the worst of which was a MMC over the xmas period. Booked in for surgery after the new year to officially end the pregnancy, so knew I was carrying a no-longer living baby (as did my in-laws). Was first trimester, but still so unbelievably painful. SIL was constantly sending pics of DN to the group chat. The worst was the barrage of photos on xmas morning and the in-person comments throughout Xmas day. It killed me. Obviously none of it was malicious, just thoughtless, and I completely understand her excitement for her first Christmas with her little one.

But it broke me. I contemplated leaving the chat many times. It's taken a few years and the birth of my own DC to start to get over it. Still think about it often though and how much it hurt. Can't help it.

Thinking of you xx

I’m so sorry you had that loss. It’s devastating, I know, I lost a baby at 16 weeks it was 44 years ago but I haven’t forgotten, I am still sad it happened, but the pain is less sharp. A group of us were having our second babies around the same time. It’s not for everyone, but my ’therapy’ was to go to the baby clinic (back in the day you could get reduced price marmite, childrens vitamins, and concentrated orange juice) to buy said products, knowing there’d be babies
so better face them sooner or later. There wasn’t any support then, not least my mother, who told me ’Not to be silly’, when I cried.

Step back a little while and take your time - don’t rush, you’ll know when you’re ready. Lots of hugs.

What an awful comment.

Gently YABU. Why does it matter that she's younger and recently married?

Mute and set it so photos do not download. This is your nephew and it's normal that they are excited. Don't isolate yourself completely from family, you will regret it later.

As to the shower, you should have said you're not up for it and not doing it, end of. Not go ahead, then not go and then resent it later.

💐 for all of you who have experienced miscarriage and baby loss 😞

I agree. The SIL is justified in her joy. But, mute and archive doesn’t upset anyone.

Hmm this is such a tough one. Is she being insensitive? Or is she actually thinking it might make you feel even more awful if she says “don’t do the shower anymore”, or don’t hold the baby, or see any messages/updates, etc. Everyone’s different after a loss, some people want to be included and treated as if nothing’s happened, others want radio silence - it’s so hard to know how to play it right.

The comments about how far along are still dreadful.
My baby son died, and I've also had losses at 5 and 8 weeks - now granted, given my experience the MCs didn't impact me nearly as much but our experiences differ given what we have lived and experienced.
Just because someone had it worse doesn't mean that someone can't mourn and grieve an early loss and have it impact them.
OP fwiw I would recommend mute and archive over leaving. I promise things do get better.

But yes, I’d mute the group rather than leave. Unless you’re happy for everyone else to ignore your updates when your time does eventually come, which I imagine you wouldn’t!

Mute the group. How you're feeling is completely normal. I had a miscarriage in April after ttc 10 months, our friend has just announced a pregnancy, the due date is the month after when ours would have been due. It devastated me

Besides anything you're not immediate family. When I had mine I only expected the grandparents to be overly involved, anyone else was just a bonus while not being expected.

If you leave the group and then get pregnant and have a child then I guess you'll want back in and the same attention she got?

I'm not saying it's hard but you'd be OK about all of this if it was you.

Just mute it and clear it without reading.

I don’t know how to say this other than how I’m going to say it so… with the greatest of kindness your SIL has done nothing wrong. Stamping your feet and leaving the family WhatsApp group when this is a joyous time for her will do nothing but cause upset and drama. If you are trying to upset her because of your own loss go ahead.

If you love your family and want to remain close autopilot it. Like pictures and tell her how beautiful her baby is. You don’t have to even look at them.

Agree with most people I would mute and archive chat.
I haven’t got WhatsApp, but it’s sounds exhausting even if I quite liked seeing the photos etc. But I’m antisocial and wouldn’t have joined in the first place.
Very sorry for your loss

People saying SIL has done nothing wrong baffle me. You really think insisting a lady that’s just had a miscarriage organises a baby shower or insisting that they visit and hold the baby is normal? I can understand wanting to share photos on a family group, but these other things are at best completely thoughtless, and at worst downright cruel. I had to turn a blind eye to a lot of things when I was coming to terms with infertility, but thankfully my friends were kinder.

I'm so sorry your loss and completely understand what you're going through.

I went through something similar last year but fortunately the in laws don't live in the same city. We had to travel to their hometown but my DH spoke to his mom prior to the trip who then managed the situation with the brother in law and wife who just had a newborn. Nobody pushed me to see of hold the baby.

I would get your DH to talk to his brother or sister to explain the situation.

Like others said, mute and archive the family group.

That's intrusive.

We have no need to know. Whatever the stage of the pregnancy it makes no difference to the fact that SiL has been superlatively insensitive. The expectation that OP should throw a shower was particularly tone deaf and rude: you don't, in any event, demand that other people host this kind of event for you. You wait to be asked. Not least, because it's not a custom everyone is comfortable with.

OP, I've had five miscarriages - both early and late - and know this to be a very painful experience whatever the circumstances. Don't let others minimise this. You're entitled to acknowledge your feelings and take as much time as you need to heal.

I'm another who suggests you quietly step back until you are feeling stronger. Mute the group. A confrontation of any kind would serve no productive purpose at this stage whatsoever. You are not 'making it all about you'. You're grieving a loss and need space: it's not as though your in-laws don't know the reason and continued pressure on you would be equally unforgivable.

Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy. It will get better.

Wow, what makes you think you get to judge and minimize what another women feels around her loss.

You having experienced it means sweet fuck all to what someone else is going through. Many women happily end unwanted pregnancies, many other struggle life long with the loss of a sort after pregnancy... just because one doesn't feel sad does not mean they get to heartlessly tell the other 'its only one miscarraige and its been a few months and was only a year of trying so be more joyful' ffs.

You don't get to police how 'reasonable' someone grief is. The question was about leaving a facebook group not if OP should just 'get over' her grief.

Losses are very painful and some people will never understand how much it hurts. It isn't jealousy, just raw grief, which does lessen but it takes time. Sending big bug hugs.

Baby loss is hard to navigate and can be a lonely time. Be kind to yourself, but don't leave the group. They're still family. Mute and archive for now. Sorry for your loss.

I think most posters are referring to the sharing of photos.

The baby shower wasn't great, but if OP would have been the obvious choice the SIL may have felt it wasn't great to exclude her either. IME most women who have a family have at least one miscarriage along the way, and many of us would have been more than able to host a baby shower or hold a newborn. The SIL simply may not have realised how much the OP was hurting.

I'm so sorry. 💐

Then she should have deployed basic common sense.

It can’t be easy to see all these photos…… But also you can’t leave a WhatsApp group without it being seen. And then what about when you want to be added again? It will cause too much awkwardness. Just mute and archive, stay away from your phone, sdo something positive when you feel down like go for a walk and don’t take your phone with you.