Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

I’m afraid your extremely long, thick, hair is not as “luscious” as you might think when it’s all through the house. I recently had my dark-haired sister stay for a few days and her hair was EVERYWHERE. I would definitely be asking you to tie it back. He’s not being unreasonable to ask and I think if you dump him over this then he’s dodged a bullet.

Dating mismatch! He needs to date someone with short hair, you someone with long hair. Effortless domestic harmony. I'm lazy. Always pick someone compatible in the first place.

Escaped strands of long curly hair give excellent foundational structure to any dustballs which may be roaming wild on wooden floors. So I hear.

This stuff is the bread and butter of any long-term relationship. So if you do want to stay with him, negotiate.

My first love would speed-braid my hair as part of tearing each other's clothes off. It was either that or patiently detangle the birds nest for me afterwards. Oh the practicality of at it like rabbits young love!

I think “controlling” is a strong word.
he prob just doesn’t understand what its like that’s all. Just talk to him and explain……..

Yes you are entitled to feel a bit cross about that (enraged is a strong word) but the big difference is that you are not romantically in love with your sil and dds, or you are not hoping to be!

If you are a young bloke, wanting to form a relationship with a woman, sorry but you are looking to become intimate with them in all ways; eventually she might get menstrual blood on his sheets, if they go on to have dc, she might get morning sickness or her waters might break on his precious carpet. If they have dc, children will pee and puke on his floors.

If he can’t tolerate a few hairs then maybe he is not the right man for op? After all, her hair is a pretty important part of her and it’s physically attached to her head! It’s not an optional extra. And she doesn’t want to feel permanently uncomfortable in his house!

Ultimately, to form a mature relationship, you need to be open to loving and valuing the other person and everything that brings with it, more than your material things.

And if this bloke can’t, or doesn’t want to do that, fine - he can enjoy living alone with perfect hoover stripes in his Axminster!

I shed loads of hair. But my hair isn’t rich, thick, long, luscious, beautiful or luxuriant. I have been conned.

I hate long hairs around the place, find it a bit gross (and I've had long hair myself in the past). I actually cut my hair because I hated finding them that much. I wouldn't say it's a red flag, a relatively normal reaction.

I gotta say, with your "this is just me" statements you sound a little like the red flag to me. Why won't you compromise? It's a pretty minor inconvenience to you.

If your boyfriend was farting continuously around you, and he said 'it's just how my body functions' would you mind? Or would you ask him to please compromise and change his behaviour to make your life a bit nicer...

Oh my goodness, maybe it's a "red flag" that you won't tie your hair up even though he's asked you to because he keeps finding it everywhere!

I understand him tbh. I also have long thick hair and always tie them at home for exact same reason. Hair do not fall out of buns and pony tails so that's like a damage control.

OP would probably not want someone like oyu around her either, so there you go.

@EarlHickey actually spat out my tea laughing!

I don’t think it’s a red flag. One of my (adult) kids has hair like mine and while I would not say we have long/luscious hair (at all), we really do shed lots compared to everyone else.

Seriously, I reckon I could go to a friends house, only enter the hallway, lounge room, kitchen and downstairs loo and they’d be finding my hair for days in their laundry, upstairs shower and all their kids beds🤣. Given it pisses me off in my own house, I wear it back the majority of the time.

My child however, if I could I’d stick a hairnet on them at home I would (pretty hard to do with a guy in their 20’s though). I’m so sick and tired of their hair absolutely everywhere I always harp on at them about tying it back as I do mine to decrease it being everywhere and making cleaning up much harder than it should be. I don’t think it makes me controlling.

After all, her hair is a pretty important part of her and it’s physically attached to her head! It’s not an optional extra.

But it's when the hair is no longer physically attached to her head that's the problem!!

Get a hair bonnet

@MoreTimeInBed I shed loads of hair. But my hair isn’t rich, thick, long, luscious, beautiful or luxuriant. I have been conned

Me too. Mine is fine and scraggly, there is just so much of it. Every hairdresser I’ve ever been to as an adult has exclaimed they have never seen someone with such fine hair have so very much of it.

My best mate and my boyfriend have dark hair and I find it everywhere when they have been to my house but I would never say anything. I have long blonde hair which is harder to see but there wouldn't be less of it around my house if it was dark. If your relationship progresses then he would have to put up with it.

It's the double edged sword of being Asian. Lovely hair on top, but lots of hair to shave/wax too.

I don't think he is being mean. If he hasn't lived or dated someone with long dark hair before, he may not know how much it sheds and how visible it can be .
I find loose hair (even my own) a bit icky so I get him just mentioning it. He probably doesn't even realise he's hurt your feelings.

100%

My daughter sheds hair like it's going out of fashion. I can't stand it, everywhere you go there are bright red hairs.

All this talk about shedding hair turns my stomach! I hate hair and I think maybe I have a phobia. If that hair is also unwashed, then that’s me finished! I absolutely loathe it! 😫

I don't know if it's controlling - does he do anything else that might come across that way?

But it would upset me if I had something I took pride in and my partner chose to denigrate that particular thing - like, having a curvy figure, and being asked to wear baggy clothes around the house because he doesn't want my boobs flopping into the custard or whatever... 🤨

Even at my age I still have a lot of hair, thick rather than long

It's still everywhere! And it's a bloomin pain to hoover

I don't think it's a big ask. It's not like he wants you to wear a hat all the time!

I would put it in 2 big schoolgirl plaits, with large bows on the ends, preferably stiffened with wire so that they stick out either side of your head.

It amazes me why you think anybody would be in a knot having come up with what I came up with, but perhaps you struggle with coming up with ideas.

My point, once again, was that he may have a good reason OP is unaware of, for making his polite request. You're easily amused. Unless you were being passive aggressive?

@Hairry I don't think this is a red flag, it's normal in asian families to see hair everywhere.

When I moved in with my husband he also struggled with the amount of hair that was everywhere. Few years down the line he's become desensitised to it.

It's not a big deal, just get him a portable vacuum or brush your hair in the bathroom in the morning.