Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

I don't see how you could ever live together if this is his attitude.

If this is a new relationship, just bin him & move on

Wow.

Him: Could you wear your hair up please, love? It's getting everywhere!
OP: IT'S OVER!!!!

Perhaps a bit more discussion?

Not sure if I missed the answer to this, but does he live alone?

Just wondering if this could be coming from an annoyed housemate and he doesn't want to tell you that they're whinging at him

He may not have thought it through/not understand the implications, and have simply spent time cutting hair off his hoover roller in a way he's never had to do before. All he's done is ask her to do something, please.

I'd ask him at what point in the relationship he'd be willing to get over his squeamishness, because if you ever end up living together, will he expect you to wear your hair up forever? It's a rude request, and I'd find it annoying.

I don't think he's being that unreasonable, honestly.

Already mentioned in my post at 15.16 !!

As you're shedding and leaving hair all over his home, it's polite to minimise that. You don't need to have it loose all the time. Hundreds of different ways to plait, braid or tie up hair.

I wonder if it's also he likes to see your face/neck and thinks you're hiding under your hair?

My friend used to have very long, thick hair she always wore loose. I asked her to wear it up in my home as I was tired of hair all over the carpet and sofa when she stayed. And it really irritated me when she flicked it around or over her shoulder, getting it in my face. She was a bit cross but understood.

I guess he's doing all the vacuuming and dusting as it's his home? Lovely as your hair sounds, i'm sure it's less lovely stuck to bedsheets.

Could it also be the smell? Long thick hair tends to absorb odours when down, like cooking smells or the smell of shops, workplaces?

Yes, that's highly likely...

I’d say it was a bit of a red flag! Sorry op!

I think in a fairly new relationship he should be willing to climb mountains to see you. And yet he’s more worried about his carpet?

It's one of many possibilities @MarkWithaC, which aren't 'dump him, he's a controlling twat!!' I'm sure you could see the point that I was making: he may have reasons that aren't obvious, so probably best to have a chat with him.

It just always amuses me how much people on here tie themselves in knots trying to find reasons for/justify weird or shitty behaviour.

Buy him bicarbonate of soda and white vinegar to unblock sinks. I think maybe he needs a better vacuum maybe. I don't think he was been mean .

Well it does because they can't be together if that's the case.

I don’t know how hair just lies around or is on the sofa or bedding, I put mine in the bin when it falls out. Or in the shower just catch it and put it in the bin. (Waist length hair too).

I have white tiled floors in places. My SIL and her DDs have thick, long brown hair and they NEVER tie it up. It enrages me that they leave their hair behind when they visit, and I have to vacuum like their bloody maid. Long strands of curly thick hair, meaning I can’t walk barefoot in my own home. I’ve asked her to keep all their hair tied up when they visit my house, which was like a red rag to a bull: she ensures they all have their hair down at all times now, girls with elaborate half up-dos. If she weren’t married to my lovely brother, she’d never cross my threshold again. I’m this close to asking him to vacuum my floors before they all leave. Seriously.

It’s your boyfriend’s flat. And yes you can help it: tie it up. It’s so disgusting finding someone else’s hair in your home, and so disrespectful just expecting someone to deal with it when it needn’t be that way. Tie it up. Solves all the problems. If you want to be free to shed hair everywhere, do it elsewhere. He’s asked you nicely to respect his space, you’re the red flag for getting the hump at him doing that.

In his defence, my son's girlfriend has long thick black hair, and it's literally everywhere. I can't stand hairs on things. But I would never tell her this because I wouldn't want to upset her. But I wish she would tie it up x

I think he's fine in requesting it. You're also fine to say no, and how he reacts to that is more telling, whether he's in controlling red flag territory or not.

I have long hair and it's annoying that I shed everywhere - in fact everyone sheds hair, it's just more noticeable when it's long. I do my best to keep on top of it, and I try to reduce it - when it's worse, it's usually an indication my iron levels are low. I live alone, so I'm the one who suffers most from it, and I do my own vacuuming and remove it from the plughole. But not obsessively.

I think the key point is that you haven't said anything because you know it will upset her.

OPs boyfriend either doesn't care if it will upset her or didn't think about it. Neither are great.

In my experience, having long, thick hair up all the time can be painful & I wouldn't want to live with someone who'd be annoyed if I wanted to feel comfortable and have my hair down.

Not controlling at all imo.

I find seeing strands of my hair everywhere quite gross & at least I'm the one doing the vacuuming.

I think it's a perfectly reasonably request as it will reduce him finding hair absolutely everywhere..:

The reddest of a red flag. There is no future in this so why waste time?

I’m not going to lie, but I hate shedding hair.

I have very long thick hair like yourself OP. After a shower it can look like there’s a rat in the plug hole. After blow drying my hair, my cream carpet has a distinctive black woven layer sitting on top, and if I’m not careful it can get everywhere.

I love to wear it down for occasions, it is very glam and like you I garner lots of compliments, and less welcome…lots of people touching it.

But, and here’s the but, I do tend to tie it back at home. It’s too much hassle and too hot to wear down. It does shed a lot and because the hair is thick and long, it’s really visible and ugly to see about the place. It can easily get into food, cupboards, drawers, clothes, towels, on the floor, stuck to walls, in the bed, and it’s not nice. It really isn’t.

So if you’re like me, then I can understand why he has a love hate relationship with your hair and it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker to tie it back.

I don't think it's controlling. From what you wrote I would say it's a start of a discussion.

I actually get peeved off at my own hair shedding - it's irritating cleaning it off the hoover brushes and unblocking drains. And the hair brushes are constantly covered. Mine is just below shoulder length.

Servers with long hair draping across plates and tables 🤢

A man who's not lived with someone who sheds very long thick hairs around the home is not being unpleasant in asking the woman with the lovely head of hair to tie it back in the mistaken belief that this is a simple solution for everyone. It's unreasonable to expect a male partner to think and behave like your dad, in the same way it would be unreasonable for him to expect you to think and behave like his mum. Explain to him that your hair will shed no matter what and you don't want to feel uncomfortable spending time at home. See where it goes from there. It can sting a bit when you realise in a new relationship that your partner doesn't find absolutely every tiny element of you/your habits 100% charming but it's how you both deal with adapting to the differences having a new person in your life bring that will determine whether the relationship has legs or not. Doesn't make either of you shitty people if you can't work around this one in a way that makes you both feel cherished and respected. Just means the relationship is not 'the one' for you.