in trouble with DIL again

[itainthalfhot]

my DIL posts on insta and facebook multiple times a day, always about the baby, baby has been to this class or that event, always happy smily pictures, but they do get annoying after a while.

anyway, i've muted her.. we also have a family chat, and i use this to catch up with things on a regular basis.

i received a message last night asking why i hadn't commented on her post about the fact that baby had chickenpox and that didn't i care about him? i mentioned that i 'must have missed it'...

we'd had a chat on our whats app group earlier that day, and there was no mention of chickenpox there?

so i've had to go to inta, trawl through her many posts and comment! its ridiculous. it seems i can never do right for doing wrong!

AIBU by not commenting on the post?
YANBU she should have simply told me when we chatted earlier in the day?

eh? what post to please her? do you mean the comment on the post she made that she wanted me to comment on... so i did?

how is it obvious i find her irritating? i find her SM obsession irritating... i'm in trouble again because when asked what they needed and they asked for clothes.. thinking we were doing the right thing by purchasing a large amount of 2nd hand clothes when in fact they didnt want 2nd hand they wanted us to purchase new clothes!

i have never seen such ridiculous comments to what i thought was a very simple question.

i've been accused of being a bad MIL, i've been accured of being a bad Grandmother..

YANBU for expecting her to tell you, but why are you having her dictate your SM use?

You also shouldn't leave SM for fear of missing a post or muting irritants. Nor should you go trawling through posts to ensure you're liking everything. And I say this as someone who was blocked by a family member, because I told them I was sick of being inundated by inane shit...

I would not bent to this DIL's will.

She is a social media drama lama. I sadly would instantly lose respect for her for ever.

I think this is passive aggressive.

Your DIL was unreasonable not mentioned their DC had chicken pox it in the WA group. You were irritated by your phone notifications. Decide your rules of engagement and communicate them with active, positive, kind communication. You will both be happier.

Maybe it wasn't the right time to have the conversation when your DIL was upset. This would not upset me, you would have to ask your DIl and DS. You do not have to interact on social media. You can say you would prefer to have news in WA and phone calls, or whatever you prefer.

I think you sound a lovely MIL.

Offer whatever help they need but don't force it. Buy 2nd hand clothes (I prefer them - it's the babies who will live with the future we are creating with over consumption!) when asked to buy clothes - you still got clothes, as asked! Recognise it's hard with babies but also that they need space to parent in their own way. You're a human, not a walking resource. Of course you won't always get it right and of course a sudden family member who you didn't choose and don't know that well, but who is the centre of your son and grandchild's world, is going to be tricky, just as a MIL is for the same reasons. But you aren't complaining because you weren't asked to the birth, or told you can't have the newborn overnight from weeks old! You don't sound unreasonable. You just sound a bit arrrgggghhhh, as are we all about family now and then.

My FIL and his wife are the best people. I love them. They still annoy me at times, as I am sure I do them, but I love them! They are brilliant to all the family, and care, and show it. They don't need to be perfect to be wonderful.

People who constantly post on SM are a bit annoying, but at the same time, I think it can be insecurity? Maybe she doesn't think she's doing as great a job as she'd like, and she needs the validation.

How is it obvious? Your thread title sets the tone: in trouble with DIL again (italics mine) and you brought up more complaints later. It's not an isolated incident; your very title says this sort of thing has happened before.

I'm not calling you a bad MIL or bad grandma (most posters are very supportive of you. It helps that many people on MN hate anyone who uses social media in a way they don't). I'm just answering your question about why your post was clearly pass agg and likely to wind up your DIL, as if you didn't know.

And I'm noting that you clearly find her annoying/disapprove of her on some level, I'm sure she's picked up on it and therefore it's not surprising that you irritate each other. She was ridiculous about the social media, you were pass agg and sarky in your response and the thread title makes it clear this isn't a one off.

It's not that you didn't see her post it's that you talk about her with contempt. By extension you do seem rather disengaged and switched off from your grandchild.

Grandparents here are always asking for more photos of DGC and if one of them had chickenpox (all vaccinated) then they would be genuinely concerned as it can be a nasty illness and even in a mild form is disruptive and upsetting for all involved.

i think we will have to agree to disagree... i've only cited one other occasion where i was in trouble with DIL. 1 other issue... unless i've missed something, just 1 other issue. Note I was in trouble with DIL, i have not cited one instance where she has annoyed or upset me other than todays current post?

i apoligise for not giving my post the correct title! you are noting all of this based on the title of my post?

i can say it until i am blue in the face, it won't really matter. I found the whole incident to be annoying.. to be asked 'don't you care about your GC' when all i have done is not commented on 1 SM post? i've already agreed that the comments i finally made was snarky, i certainly do not believe it to be passive aggressive?

you have painted a picture of me conjured up in your own mind probably projecting behaviours you have personally been involved with and i am sorry for that.

how do i talk about her with contempt? and how on earth am i disengaged from from GC?

we communicate daily with DIL and DS, either on whats app, or by phone? we visit weekly if not twice weekly? we ask what they need and happily take it? what more do you actually want me to do for this GC? please.... because if i am disengaged from my GC purely because i don't follow his mums SM? then wow!

as i have said several times over now, we have an interactive photo frame where all the DC drops photos of GC or whatever other activity they have photographed. I've had probably 20 drop into the frame today alone! how many photos would you like me to ask for?

and i can't be concerned about the health of a GC when i am not made aware that they are unwell! jesus it's chicken pox!

so bascially i need to do more, more than i already do, i need to ask for more photos than i actually already get and i need to be a mind reader? and only then will i be deemed a good enough MIL?

Because op isn't complaining about not knowing. She's complaining about getting a call and being told off for not commenting on social media.

Sad that you think pictures of your grandchild are annoying … I think the problem is you.

have you read the whole thread? because i am not AGAIN explaing the interactive photo frame we have EXACTLY for baby pictures.. i must have explained this a dozen times now.

That's right. She's a rotten to the core grandmother because she hasn't got the time or inclination to scroll through a shit load of social media posts. What if she didn't know how to? She's not some friend, colleague or neighbour and as such should be accorded first hand communication. Especially if the parents want her full, undivided attention.

@itainthalfhot mumsnet is a very strange place and sometimes they go with here mentality and just react with weird strange posts.

We are obviously getting one side of the story from you but from what you’ve posted you are not doing anything wrong. You are under no obligation to have to keep up with her numerous instagram posts and she and your son should be matured enough to communicate better if they want to share something with you instead of tracking who has and has not responded to her instagram post.

I would make it clear that you don’t instagram that much and if they want to let you know about something important or urgent they should use the WhatsApp group or better still pick up the phone and call.

People like @TomatoSandwiches seem determined to paint you as a mean evil MIL, how dare you not want to get multiple notifications of random instagram posts and respond to each of them to validate your DIL?

I mute people who post too much on WhatsApp not to talk of instagram, I have some family members who forward multiple ransom stuff and videos on WhatsApp that I have absolutely no interest in and I don’t went to get notifications for.

I think the problem is you and not reading the OPs! Read them and enlighten yourself! It'll be very liberating.

well said, you obviously understand how hard it is, does DIL struggle with anxiety or PND? I did and I felt insecure how how other people viewed my parenting, especially in laws.

What was your relationship like before DIL had the baby? Do you have daughters?

My MIL has 2 daughters and the dynamic is very odd, almost competitive and I feel MIL is willing her daughters and daughters children to succeed more than me and my children

OP you've done nothing wrong. Some people cannot cope with a constant barrage of social-media alerts, while others thrive on them. If you are one of the former, then muting them and checking-in only occasionally is sensible, and in no way indicative of an uncaring attitude.
Can you talk to your son and explain that you muted all your alerts but that if there's anything important you would like to know as soon as possible via a method that you'll actually receive?
My Dad emails me for everything. I check it once a week, so I never get anything on time, but that's on him. I've told him multiple times that I don't use the account, and asked him to text or whatsapp the important stuff, but he refuses to take it on board.

Looks like reading comprehension is a problem for you.

she gets pictures of her grandchildren through a digital frame, she doesn’t need to get notifications for very unnecessary silly post her DIL posts on instagram.

Her DIL and son should act like matured parents and reach out directly to their child’s grandparent if they have something important to say rather than expect her to keep up with all her social media posts in order to get updates on her grandchild.

They already have a WhatsApp group, they see them regularly in person but someone she is a bad grandmother for not keeping track of every post on instagram? Seriously?

It seems the expectation for MILs now is to stay away during the pregnancy, don’t ask about how it’s going to avoid stressing out the mother to be, and stay away for the first 3 months of the baby’s arrival so mummy and daddy can bond but after that MIL is expected to commit to xx days to look after the baby and ensure they keep up with and respond to every relevant social media post in order to avoid upsetting DIL.

thanks... yes i have daughters. my DH and I work very hard as a couple to treat all the children exactly the same!

without coming across as old fashioned.. DIL is probably better placed in the hierarchy as she has produced an heir!

we have always been delighted having her in the family, as i've said previously she's exactly what DS needed in his life and has made a better man of him.

i really am not the ogre MIL i'm being portrayed.. i suffered PND so i know how hard it is to have a child, and have been keeping a close eye on her, and nothing has concerned me from what i have seen.

Oh wow 😂😂 an heir body hell

update: you're all batshit

dusky realise in 2024 boy children still hold more value that girls

lol there is no harm in liking the family name being carried on a further generation... just because we live in 2024 doesnt mean we can't still have some old fashioned values?

I think that's really odd sorry

thats fair enough... we are allowed to think things are odd! i was merely trying to impress that there are no underlying issues between me and the DIL, that she is well liked and respected and loved... on MN all MIL's it appears hate their DIL's and this is not the case

OP, you are never going to be in favour here, you’re a MIL! Stepmothers and Mother-in-laws never win on Mumnet. I would give up if I was you.