To remind you to thank people for gifts!!

[SmartyFace]

My young children have recently started being invited to parties and it really annoys me when there is no thank-you for the gift! Two of my DC are twins, and I always make sure to get a nice gift from each of them. On one recent occasion I even had something personalised with the child's name on. I saw the mum about 10 days later, and even in conversation the gifts were not mentioned. It's so rude!! A quick text is not that difficult, is it? Obviously I don't buy gifts because I want to be thanked, but I'd be absolutely mortified if I realised I hadn't thanked somebody for something they'd taken the time to buy for me or my child.

Anyway, I know I'm not being unreasonable. I just wanted to say that if this is you, it's bloody rude!

so when it comes from you, it's "honesty"

but when it's from someone else, it's "rudeness"

Thank you for confirming my point so well.

They may have thought you'd regifted something if it was out of step with the norm around where you live. Perhaps they felt a bit embarrassed by it and the they'd need to match this next time. Perhaps they are just rubbish at extra thank yous and thought your child had such a great time at the party, everyone would be feeling happy and fuzzy and no need for formalities.

You’re deliberately missing the point. We are not talking about having to say thank you for a giant phallus statue (if someone gave you that then I think you’d have to wonder why… I could hazard a guess though) we are talking about saying a simple thank you, written or text, to someone making the effort to buy a present, however small, that they think your child might like. If they get the present wrong, so be it, but the thought is there. I hate scented candles for instance, I never ask for them and I don’t like them in my house, but I have always been grateful for the thought, and express that to the giver. It’s not that difficult.

Idk I've said in my post that I would say thank you in person at the time, and often send thank you videos to those who weren't there to witness the gift being opened even though I don't want to be doing it. I don't want to, but I do because I should. How disingenuous is that?! We'd rather our friends and family lie to us than show their true feelings all under the umbrella of good manners. I share my opinion here in an anonymous forum because it's unacceptable to have these views in society.

So no, I won't force my children into acting grateful it it isn't a genuine emotion. We talk about how to be gracious in receiving things, how to not hurt someones feelings (i.e. don't say 'ugh that's an awful present I hate it!! or anything remotely like that) but I won't encourage them to outright lie (see the pp who had to write letters about how much she loved the scratchy jumper from grandma).

I honestly think gift giving is completely out of control. Consumerism is out of control, and the fact that we encourage it by making anything other than all out gratitude a display of rudeness is only compounding the issue.

Where she specifically says replying to a text message takes up too much mental energy.

I know someone who doesn’t encourage her young children to give their grandparents a hug when they see them if they don’t want to. Are you one of those parents?

I always sent a group message (or copy and last before group messaging was easy) quite quickly [same or next day] after saying thanks for coming, dd had a great time, was lovely to see the children having a nice time, thanks for all the cards and generous gifts.

Then dd would write thank you cards for her friends. Print out a photo from the party with some typed text, dd added her name initially, then her own sentence as she got older. Sent out within the next week or two.

We made time as I felt it was important. And to be fair, it was the norm here. Most, if not all, sent thank yous afterwards. It's a few years since we've had it all now though - dd is now a young adult.

@nottakingadvicefromacartoondog I think I would view party kids's presents in the same category as chocolate/flowers/wine. Chances are they'll be liked and we give them because it's the right thing to do in return for being invited.

The thanks we are saying isn't because we necessarily like them. It's takes minimal effort to do (yes, even 30 texts) and means we acknowledge the effort.

The world would be a pretty bloody awful place if people never say thank you for something they didn't ask for. What about if someone holds a door for you?

FWIW, I agree with pp that convention moves on. I'm ok with digital invitations and text thank yous. But I still think basic manners are a foundation which remain constant.

I think your phallus example is a whole different balls game and would cross a boundary so not a helpful comparison.

Regift or not, too expensive or not, embarrassed or not, you still say thank you! There are simply no excuses!

It’s not just children. The last three weddings we’ve attended (at an enormous cost and travel), we haven’t received a thank you for our gift. I think people are just getting ruder.

I say this with a tone of sincere interest and in no way trying to be deliberately....i don't know...any negative adjective you may care to throw at me...Do you say thank you and kindly perhaps say that you're not a big fan of scented candles, or would you just accept and thank for the candle forevermore? If the latter, do you see it as a kindness to continuously allow someone to buy you something you don't want? If I was the friend buying the candle and I somehow found out after a few years that you didn't like the candles I would be genuinely mortified, and also feel like I'd wasted so much money. I would far rather you had felt you could be honest with me and if I was going to buy you something it would be something you genuinely cherished.

I promise I am not deliberately doing anything, you have made an assumption that these unwritten 'laws of society' are implicitly understood by everyone. I find them completely baffling. I enjoy threads like this as they are educational and often show a whole range of opinions. It's not possible to say 'this is how it is' with people because that's rarely true. This might be how it is for you, but for others with different experiences the rules will be tweaked.

You must have a lot of time on your hands to be able to do all that

These people getting married will be the children of many of the people on here that say they don’t bother. They haven’t been taught properly.

Ha fair enough, I was trying to think of an example where it was very unlikely that anyone would come back and say 'I happen to like those kinds of gifts so of course I'd say thank you!' 😂

This sums up my view. My kids are now older, (teen and pre-teen) and whilst I admire your thoughtfulness, by the time you've done maybe 10 years plus of parties, I think your enthusiasm for personalised gifts etc may wane somewhat.

Don’t know about kids’ birthday parties, but I sent a bottle of champagne to a friend’s son for his 18th (known him his whole life) and he didn’t bother saying thank you, neither did his younger brother who I also sent a smaller birthday present for (both connections of facebook so they do know how to get hold of me!)

I thought that was rude, and it made me reconsider getting an ‘18th’ present for the younger one

I don’t think I’ve ever been given a scented candle by anyone more than once. If there was an instance that the same person kept giving me the same thing that I just didn’t like, I would obviously find a way of kindly telling them that I didn’t need any more, or that there was no need to keep giving me presents. Either way, this scenario is a world away from parents, or ideally the child themselves, not saying a simple thank you (by card or personal text) for the present you had given.

Are you asking if I give my children the right to have autonomy over what happens to their body in any/all situations?

Yes, I am absolutely proudly one of those parents. Very glad to say the grandparents are all also those parents and would never force anyone to accept or offer physical affection or attention without their consent.

'obviously' to you isn't obviously to everyone!

Well done, it’s lovely that you’ve done that and I guarantee all the parents will have really appreciated it and will also think how lovely it is that their child is being taught by someone like you. I certainly would.

Yes thought so.

Good :) glad I'm coming across as a person who is supportive of peoples rights. Phew.