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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To remind you to thank people for gifts!!

253 replies

SmartyFace · 21/07/2024 23:52

My young children have recently started being invited to parties and it really annoys me when there is no thank-you for the gift! Two of my DC are twins, and I always make sure to get a nice gift from each of them. On one recent occasion I even had something personalised with the child's name on. I saw the mum about 10 days later, and even in conversation the gifts were not mentioned. It's so rude!! A quick text is not that difficult, is it? Obviously I don't buy gifts because I want to be thanked, but I'd be absolutely mortified if I realised I hadn't thanked somebody for something they'd taken the time to buy for me or my child.

Anyway, I know I'm not being unreasonable. I just wanted to say that if this is you, it's bloody rude!

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 22/07/2024 10:52

Tabtopcurtains · 22/07/2024 09:57

It’s not wifework, my husband does it too. It’s good parenting and instilling manners.

Among my friends and family, no thank you for a present means no presents in the future. Class parties slightly different but I definitely am put out when I don’t get a thank you via text or in person after the event. Saying thank you when receiving it isn’t enough.

I’d have been so grateful for this as a child- I used to beg my mum to tell my grandma to stop sending presents as 9 times out of 10 the present was rubbish (clothes which were too small, scratchy jumpers, old fashioned books) and I then had to endure the torture of writing to her thanking her for the present which I never liked anyway! Took all of the joy out of Christmas and Easter. Mum only made us do it because otherwise it would lead to endless snarky comments made to her!

Often “manners” as a convention are used to criticise the parent- and in the case of gift giving it’s all completely toxic. Give a gift for the joy of giving it or not at all- if I get a thank you I’m pleased but I don’t expect it, and if I love the person or my kids get invited to the kids birthday then of course I will buy them a present again. I haven’t got an “ungrateful person” list anywhere at home!

Epicaricacy · 22/07/2024 10:55

I then had to endure the torture of writing to her thanking her for the present which I never liked anyway!

don't be ridiculous. Unless you were forced to write an 500 pages novel, it's hardly torture.

if nothing else, it's good practice of handwriting

Tabtopcurtains · 22/07/2024 10:58

Epicaricacy · 22/07/2024 10:50

People are just rude. It's the same people who don't bother sending RSVP because they just don't care, and they think themselves too important to have basic manners.

They do seem to have a lot of time to waste on social media however, to explain how "busy" they are, which tells you all you need to know.

If it makes you feel a bit better, it's not everyone. Pretty much all my kids friends have always say or written thank you for gifts, or at worst the parents have send a quick message to say thank you.

You don't have to invite the rude ones again. When parents moan their kids feel excluded, they should wonder why.

Absolutely all of this, I completely agree and relieved to know there are at least some people around that value manners and common decency!

SallyWD · 22/07/2024 11:00

I used to make my children write thank you letters but it took forever. I always do thank. Usually I create a WhatsApp group for each party they have, then I thank all parents (together) for the gifts in that group. Sometimes I do send individual text messages of thanks.
For close family friends and grandparents etc I still make the kids actually write a thank you letter.
I find a lack of thanks quite rude. I recently got my friend's teenage son a personalised and thoughtful gift. Not a word! I mean even if he didn't like it they could have just said thanks.

RobinHood19 · 22/07/2024 11:05

Saying thank you when receiving it isn’t enough.

Why? I have asked this many times over the years and nobody I’ve met has been able to explain why.

Do you all go out of your way to thank any person who does you a favour, twice!? First when receiving the help and again 3 days later via text?

RobinHood19 · 22/07/2024 11:06

SallyWD · 22/07/2024 11:00

I used to make my children write thank you letters but it took forever. I always do thank. Usually I create a WhatsApp group for each party they have, then I thank all parents (together) for the gifts in that group. Sometimes I do send individual text messages of thanks.
For close family friends and grandparents etc I still make the kids actually write a thank you letter.
I find a lack of thanks quite rude. I recently got my friend's teenage son a personalised and thoughtful gift. Not a word! I mean even if he didn't like it they could have just said thanks.

So you handed over the present and they didn’t say a word when taking it from your hand? That would indeed be odd.

thefamous5 · 22/07/2024 11:14

We just stay Thankyou for the gift and thankyou for coming when we hand them back to their parents at the end. That's been the norm at all the kids parties (and with four kids, that's been many!) we've hosted or been to.

FeistyFrankie · 22/07/2024 11:20

This thread is absolutely hilarious 🤭🤭🤭

Way to create an issue and be offended by absolutely nothing, OP

Epicaricacy · 22/07/2024 11:27

FeistyFrankie · 22/07/2024 11:20

This thread is absolutely hilarious 🤭🤭🤭

Way to create an issue and be offended by absolutely nothing, OP

Manners and basic courtesy are not "nothing", parents are supposed to teach them to their children.

SallyWD · 22/07/2024 11:29

RobinHood19 · 22/07/2024 11:06

So you handed over the present and they didn’t say a word when taking it from your hand? That would indeed be odd.

They live at the other side of the country so I posted it. They texted to say the parcel had arrived but nothing after that.

OhHelloMiss · 22/07/2024 11:32

@SmartyFace

Op.... you say you don't want a 'gushing Thankyou at your generosity' .....but I think you really do don't you!?

You want all the parents in awe at your personalised gifts....and now you are just butt hurt that nobody gives a rats arse

You got a Thankyou as you dropped it off at the party. 🤷‍♀️

Sparrowball · 22/07/2024 11:35

SmartyFace · 22/07/2024 00:12

Yes, that's true. I suppose my point was that the effort it would have taken to say thank you would have been much less than the effort I went to in getting the gift? Maybe just me.

Do you think you gave the best gift and expect that to be acknowledged?

RobinHood19 · 22/07/2024 11:35

SallyWD · 22/07/2024 11:29

They live at the other side of the country so I posted it. They texted to say the parcel had arrived but nothing after that.

In that case I agree it is rude not to say thank you as you are acknowledging the present at least.

Thatsfrenchforstopahorse · 22/07/2024 11:38

Ime everyone does lots of polite thank yous in reception. Then everyone realises it’s a merry go round and each has their turn of giver and receiver and the thanks is said at the point of handover and implicit after the event.

Life’s busy and they’re such regular occurrences that everyone sort of just gets into the groove and dispenses of the formalities.

Tabtopcurtains · 22/07/2024 11:39

Sparrowball · 22/07/2024 11:35

Do you think you gave the best gift and expect that to be acknowledged?

Oh my goodness all these people trying to justify their rudeness in not saying a proper thank you! NO I’m sure she didn’t expect acknowledgement for the best gift (although the fact you even consider that to be the case speaks volumes about the way you think!)

I can’t get my head around people tying themselves in knots explaining themselves out of bad manners. It’s simple and it’s free and it takes a small amount of time for the good feeling it creates. Please think about this when bringing up your own children.

MaggieFS · 22/07/2024 11:39

@Ineedanewsofa @CelesteCunningham I shouldn't have used the word personalise when the OP had talked about personalised gifts.

No, I don't and wouldn't do personalised gifts for class mates. (And I don't see an issue with regifting and let DC choose a replacement to the same value).

What I meant was it's not that hard to do a personalised/bespoke/individual thank you which appreciates the specific gift and isn't a blanket thank you, pp said it was a big effort. Personally, it's small fry.

RidingMyBike · 22/07/2024 11:40

We do a handwritten note for each gift but I've noticed we're the only ones who do this. Partly we have smaller parties (max. 10). Partly we have a SAHP so more time. Partly DD likes writing so is pretty enthusiastic about writing them.

I think it's important to say thank you, but some people do it on the day in person. Others do a generic msg on WhatsApp. I'm very aware that the most recent generic one both parents work full time, have no family support and more than one child so considerably less spare time than my family has!

MounjaroUser · 22/07/2024 11:42

Totally agree, OP. I went to my friend's daughter's wedding - she was asking for money as a gift on the registry - I paid £100 and £20 for a bottle of wine. Not a bloody word.

nottakingadvicefromacartoondog · 22/07/2024 11:42

SmartyFace · 22/07/2024 00:05

I usually make a note when my DC open their presents - who each thing was from. Then the next day I spend maybe half an hour sending individual messages. "X loved their writing set, it was really kind of you" etc. It's not a lot of effort.

The personalised thing was just to make the point that I don't just give a packet of sweets or something - I actually put thought in. I'm not expecting them to gush over my generosity or anything like that! But an acknowledgement would be nice.

This is very much how I was raised, however not how I'm raising DC. In fact this is very much why I have preferred 'presence over presents' since my teens.

Did they ask for presents? Or did you just decide to get them one and are now deciding how they should react to it? Would you care whether they liked the present or not?

You might find tasks like writing thank-you notes as routine and enjoyable, and that's you. However, I associate it, mostly, with being compelled to be insincere. Did 'x' really love their writing set? What would you write if they didn't?

My parents encouraged honesty, until it came to receiving a gift. Sometimes gifts were wonderful, but sometimes they were from a relative who I didn't see often, or bought by a friends mum who had no idea what I liked/didn't like. Maybe the gift is something I didn't want or need, or had outgrown, or already had. However, you can't say that to the giver because that's rude. So, whilst 'honesty is the best policy' was usually the rule, here we're going to throw that rule out the window and teach children about white lies to save someones feelings. Giving is an act of generosity....that is basically law and not to be argued against...and as our society values manners and stoking the ego of the gift giver above all else, we're going to send a note full of lies to x's mum who bought you that personalised money box even though you already have one at home which you love...as we need to make sure she feels good about herself. Or, so what if Great Aunt Muriel has bought you a my little pony every year for the past 15 years and you stopped playing with them when you were 9, you call her now and say thank you. Sod carbon footprints, it's about being polite.

Ugh.

Sticking with 'presence not presents' is so much easier and more planet and wallet friendly. Come to the party if you wish to, spend time with us (better than any gift anyway imo!!), make memories and leave without my family being indebted to your expectations please. If you hand me a gift in spite of this then we'll say thank you at the time but don't be holding your breath for a thank you note.

That being said if I have capacity I do I usually try and film my children opening a gifts if the giver isn't there. It's tough because I'd rather not have my phone trained on them for all these moments, but equally it's less effort than thank you notes in a time where time is the most precious commodity. When they're jumping up and down and squealing about a gift I'll send the video. If they say 'oh we already have this!' then I'm usually audibly on the video saying 'We do! Oh well. Thank you anyway 'x name', then I dither...but often still send the video. Am not here to make you feel good or bad. You decided to send the gift, have the honest reaction to it.

Sparrowball · 22/07/2024 11:42

Tabtopcurtains · 22/07/2024 11:39

Oh my goodness all these people trying to justify their rudeness in not saying a proper thank you! NO I’m sure she didn’t expect acknowledgement for the best gift (although the fact you even consider that to be the case speaks volumes about the way you think!)

I can’t get my head around people tying themselves in knots explaining themselves out of bad manners. It’s simple and it’s free and it takes a small amount of time for the good feeling it creates. Please think about this when bringing up your own children.

Except the OP said this?

"I suppose my point was that the effort it would have taken to say thank you would have been much less than the effort I went to in getting the gift? Maybe just me."

She always let us know it was personalised.

Sparrowball · 22/07/2024 11:49

MounjaroUser · 22/07/2024 11:42

Totally agree, OP. I went to my friend's daughter's wedding - she was asking for money as a gift on the registry - I paid £100 and £20 for a bottle of wine. Not a bloody word.

Now that is rude!

People don't get married multiple times each year and the gift has a much larger monetary value.

nottakingadvicefromacartoondog · 22/07/2024 11:54

Heronwatcher · 22/07/2024 10:52

I’d have been so grateful for this as a child- I used to beg my mum to tell my grandma to stop sending presents as 9 times out of 10 the present was rubbish (clothes which were too small, scratchy jumpers, old fashioned books) and I then had to endure the torture of writing to her thanking her for the present which I never liked anyway! Took all of the joy out of Christmas and Easter. Mum only made us do it because otherwise it would lead to endless snarky comments made to her!

Often “manners” as a convention are used to criticise the parent- and in the case of gift giving it’s all completely toxic. Give a gift for the joy of giving it or not at all- if I get a thank you I’m pleased but I don’t expect it, and if I love the person or my kids get invited to the kids birthday then of course I will buy them a present again. I haven’t got an “ungrateful person” list anywhere at home!

Edited

Can we be friends please? 😂 Completely agree with you! So refreshing to see this opinion in print from someone who isn't me.

desperatelyseekingcaffeine · 22/07/2024 11:56

I find this really interesting with so many people saying the thanks on handing over a wrapped present is the only thank you needed. I was also brought up with the pain of handwritten thank you cards and have no desire to inflict that! However, it's a quick task to send a quick photo or video of child with present to the parents of the giving child. I do think you should thank for the specific present, but I realise many people don't think the same. I did my daughter's while she was opening the presents from her party, didn't take long at all.

MadisonAvenue · 22/07/2024 11:59

MounjaroUser · 22/07/2024 11:42

Totally agree, OP. I went to my friend's daughter's wedding - she was asking for money as a gift on the registry - I paid £100 and £20 for a bottle of wine. Not a bloody word.

I agree too.
Class parties are long in the past for us but we’ve been to three weddings in the last two years, two nephews and a friend’s daughter with the last one being 9 months ago. We’ve given £100 to each couple and none have thanked us. It’s not even like you’re handing a gift over for them to verbally say thank you as there’s always been a fancy post box at the receptions for envelopes to be posted into.

Heronwatcher · 22/07/2024 12:02

Epicaricacy · 22/07/2024 10:55

I then had to endure the torture of writing to her thanking her for the present which I never liked anyway!

don't be ridiculous. Unless you were forced to write an 500 pages novel, it's hardly torture.

if nothing else, it's good practice of handwriting

Hello ghostly grandma! I was 12 and a very proficient writer so did not need to practise it! Plus I had to write a full bloody page about how much I loved the vile scratchy jumper, when I had worn it etc. And at that age thanking someone for something so awful which I hadn’t asked for nor had that much thought put into it went very firmly against my moral code!

Just for wider reference I did love my grandma very much and she was great in other ways but the performative present giving and excessive thank yous with consequences for my mum if her Victorian code was not followed was all a bit of a negative undertone to family occasions. It got to the stage where I dreaded getting a present from the woman to start the whole cycle off again (hence begging my mum just to ask her to stop bothering with it).