To remind you to thank people for gifts!!

[SmartyFace]

My young children have recently started being invited to parties and it really annoys me when there is no thank-you for the gift! Two of my DC are twins, and I always make sure to get a nice gift from each of them. On one recent occasion I even had something personalised with the child's name on. I saw the mum about 10 days later, and even in conversation the gifts were not mentioned. It's so rude!! A quick text is not that difficult, is it? Obviously I don't buy gifts because I want to be thanked, but I'd be absolutely mortified if I realised I hadn't thanked somebody for something they'd taken the time to buy for me or my child.

Anyway, I know I'm not being unreasonable. I just wanted to say that if this is you, it's bloody rude!

Seriously are you me?! 😂

Still have actual anxiety when people bring me gifts in case it's something I don't love and have to feign appreciation. I'm shockingly bad at masking my true feelings and dislike being insincere. Would love a world in which we were all just honest with each other and mature enough to deal with others being honest with us. Would be a far greater kindness to keep your 'generosity' to yourself and save me the pain of worrying about how to react/if I said the right thing. Nowadays it's even worse as I feel my children watching me...'hmm, mum said yesterday she really hates cut flowers in the house, why is she now saying thank you to that woman for bringing her some?'. Minefield!

Of course?! Usually a WhatsApp later that day thanking them for the party, saying how much DD enjoyed whatever it was and for whatever was in the party bag.

I'd also hate Thankyou notes being given to me - it's more waste and recycling to have to deal with, and to be honest, a text message means I then have to reply and have to use what little mental energy I have replying. I don't have all the numbers of the kids parents that come either so couldn't do messages anyway.

Also personally I have found the keeping a record of who gave what and then sending a message by text/ photo of child playing with item equally a massive PITA. I have 4 kids, each of them went through a couple of years of whole class parties with 25-30 kids. No way was I able to supervise the unwrapping of the mega present pile, match the present with the giver, then do individual text messages some with photos. DH or I would have needed the archiving skills of a member of the Bodleian to do that 4 times a year plus Christmas!

Plus I’d already organised and paid for the party, gone through the mega-hassle invites and RSVPs, listened to the sound of 25 kids mainlining haribo giving it laldy for 2 hours and then given out a party bag too as well as made DC say thanks at the time- how much more gratitude is really necessary for a sodding slime kit or those bastarding manky sea monkey kits which I then also had to assemble/ clean up/ dispose of appropriately.

This is so strange to me! I love observing cultural differences and social norms in different places.

Surely you thank the adult in charge when collecting your child at the party, right? I’d say thank you for inviting X, so nice to have been able to attend - then if they hand you a party bag, ooooh thank you, that’s lovely of you, can’t wait to see what goodies are inside! Done.

What if someone decided we should thank thank you messages? Then thank thank you thank you messages… it goes on forever - where is the final thank you? And why oh why doesn’t the first thank you never suffice!?

Ha at least you recognise that it's the hill for you! 😂 You do you OP, you writing thank you's doesn't hurt anyone. Just don't mind if others do it differently and try not to be too heartbroken if you don't receive any back.

Manners and what's considered polite changes all the time. Did you know in the middle ages it was good manners to wipe your hands on the tablecloth? In Victorian England if you broke a glass in someones house it was impolite to apologise. In the 1700's there was a period of time where it was considered vulgar to laugh aloud. In Tudor England it was good manners to spit on the floor. In the 1950's it was bad manners to admit your husband had hit you, and it certainly wasn't rape if you're married. Things change.

I really don’t know how to begin to respond to this… what other important basic facets of good behaviour do you let slide because it uses up too much mental energy?

Your kids were given a party. Thanks enough, surely?!

I agree op!

But I'm happy to receive a joint group thank you, for example in the party organising WhatsApp group.

Can turn that around though, what other environmentally detrimental and energy deficient actions do you let slide because you deem it to be 'a basic facet of good behaviour'?

I’ve always sent a text afterwards to each parent saying something like ‘thank you for coming to X’s party and for his Lego set/book/game/whatever - he loves it!’

But we’ve only had one whole class party, and then the rest have been no more than 10-15 children so it doesn’t take long at all to send a text to each parent.

I currently have my 58-year-old cousin sulking and not talking to me because I didn’t ring her on her birthday, despite posting a card and gift, and sending a text on the day too. Can’t win..

I can’t see how ‘a text message I then have to reply to and then use what little mental energy I have left’ is environmentally detrimental?? Please explain.

As for energy deficient.. I prioritise being a good decent human being to others, and teaching proper manners to my children over anything that might take a little mental energy.

wow

I don't think I had ever read such lengthly and dramatic far fetched explanation of rudeness 😂

I don't often encounter such arrogant and superior attitude, it's amazing 😂

It’s quite extraordinary. This thread is a real eye opener and to my mind goes a very long way to explain the problems in classrooms. The entitlement of parents, refusal to do something kind, respectful or show any sort of gratitude because they can’t be bothered or it takes up too much mental energy (for god sake) is the tip of the bad behaviour iceberg.

I really wouldn't want to recieve a photo of birthday child holding or using a present I sent. On par with a card written by a child while parent hovers over them to make sure they do it. Generic text/Individual text , what is the point, you said thanks at the time.

You've focussed on the texts I was focussed on the thank you cards. Crossed wires maybe.

@RobinHood19

Well, I've never done a thank you for the thank you etc although my parents' generation (born 1940s) seemed to go in for that. But more of a culture of posting notelets and generally writing letters to keep in touch so that's different.

So, at the end of the party, I get DD to find the host mum or dad and say thank you herself. That's really making the point to DD that saying thank you is important - the same as at the end of a play date. But I'm aware it's usually chaos at that point and the host parent has several people talking to them simultaneously. So my WhatsApp later on is to express thanks for the work they put into the party, whether that's £100s spent, loads of their time or both. It's nice to acknowledge that effort. I know I appreciate it when I receive a thank you like that.

I agree your rudeness was far more succinct.

Too many times I have watched children line up to receive a medal for something they’ve participated in… time after time each child takes the medal/certificate and walks away. No ‘thank you’, no looking in the teacher/coach’s eyes, no hand shake, just grab and walk away. It all starts at home when they’re young enough to learn.

I was focussing on the message I quoted.

Completely agree OP. I actually cut one person off after I bought their child a particularly expensive present and more than I would normally pay and didn't receive a peep from them. If it had been £5 I wouldn't have minded but it was a last minute invitation and I was rushed to find something in less than 24hrs.

You all need to just stop participating in the collective craziness of providing a new piece of plastic destined for landfill tat for every whole-class party. And not by replacing it with even crazier spending hours and ££££ on individually crafted artisan wooden destined for landfill tat.

I’ve done a fiver/tenner in a card for recent parties, purely through disorganisation, and it’s definitely the way forward!! Tat free!

@Epicaricacy @Tabtopcurtains genuine question though, if you've bought an item into my life that I have not requested and have no need for, why is that kind? Even if it's my birthday. Why is your version of the world in which you are presenting me with an item one in which I have to be grateful for?

Purely for devils advocate lets pretend it is your birthday tomorrow and I am going to send a gift to your home. It is a large statue of a phallus. It will be delivered by a truck. It has no resale value and will not be able to be moved without heavy machinery. It will be delivered into the middle of your entrance/driveway. Do you write to me and say thank you for the gift? Or do you say 'wtf is this monstrosity in the middle of my door?!'.

I have extremely well mannered children who have had nothing but good feedback from their school. I am also painfully polite. I have been raised to be a people pleaser to the point that I have had hours and hours of therapy about it. We say please and thank you, we do random acts of kindness, we give to charity but we also ask people what they want before we buy them something, listen to the answers, think of the environment pretty much before we do anything and do not buy unsolicited gifts.

where she says thank you notes? 😕