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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your Dh died or you got divorced do you think you'd remarry

443 replies

Eastereggmadness · 20/07/2024 23:23

My DD 10 asked me this out of the blue? And asked me to promise I never would! (She'd watched some programme with new stepmum in it).
And it got me thinking. I don't think I ever would at least till they were grown up) as I don't think my kids would like it. But maybe that is a bit martyrish of me. I wonder what others think.

OP posts:
Bluebirdover · 21/07/2024 06:36

Bluebirdover · 21/07/2024 06:35

Yes, but only for financial reasons.

But not likely really! We've been together for such a long time, don't think I'd ever meet anyone else.

MrMotivatorsLeotard · 21/07/2024 06:37

No. Because I have children and I want them to inherit everything I have without any complications due to being married to someone. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t have a relationship but I would want to keep it very separate from my children’s lives, certainly until they were adults.

Chillilounger · 21/07/2024 06:37

See I think I would. I lost someone in my 20's (we hadn't married yet but he was the loml and it almost destroyed me). I could have quite easily not found anyone else but I made a deal with myself and chose to be open to it and met my wonderful dh. If it happened again I think I would do the same because you never know.

Nothereisnotashortage · 21/07/2024 06:38

twinklystar23 · 21/07/2024 05:58

Having come from divorced parents I would be put off as with one parent I was made to feel like an intruder. My mother's elationship wasn't too bad though you never feel entirely at home. Iso this would pit me off at the outset as I would NEVER want this for my own adult DC.

Secondly I would want all the assets accrued going to my own adult DC..

Thirdly I sadly no longer like sex due to t
menopausal changes

Just can't see that it would happen for me and doubt I would want this anyway.

Easier to train a dog!

I totally agree with you. I also had a similar experience as a child, I felt in the way in my own home, it was horrible. I would NEVER inflict that on my children.
My partner died in his 30’s, I was told even early on by people that I would meet someone. I found it insulting. Sometimes people even say it now but I am happy on my own.
I also agree with your point about assets, that can be a real complication and anything I have I want to go to my children.

mirrensidhe · 21/07/2024 06:40

never ever.

Lwrenn · 21/07/2024 06:42

Absofuckinglutely not in a million years.
I adore my partner and nobody else would stand a chance of remotely filling his shoes and even though I adore him on the whole I'm not keen on men.
However dp says he'd want me to. And I'd want that for him.

But I'd love to live with a few female pals as we age.

I know a few widowed women who are older who are so lonely and see their friends twice a week for coffee.
I'd hope that my friends and I could have holidays or live close, maybe even house share together. My best friend and I can spend time together daily and still giggle like the childish unhinged wee dicks we are.

LGBirmingham · 21/07/2024 06:42

I couldn't imagine being with anyone else but I guess you can't know until the time? I think if dh died it would take years to move on for me. If we divorced I guess our relationship would've become so awful I probably wouldn't want another man in my life.

I would also be very concerned about inheritance for ds after what I've read here so if I did have another relationship I don't think I'd marry again and would avoid moving in.

However my best friend's mum died when we were in our early 20s and her Dad did meet someone else. She puts lots of effort into his grandchildren and my friend is very grateful for that, although obviously very sad her own mum isn't there. She was also single with no children and wealthy so no worries there about anything to do with inheritance.

Stuckinhospital · 21/07/2024 06:44

I think more of a gentleman companion - I wouldn't ever live with anybody again I don't think but I would like somebody to go for meals with go on holiday with share the ups and downs of day to day life over a glass of wine with.
I have a family member whose been in this situationship for about 40 years they are just what each other needs somebody to look after each other in hospital and after a nice companion but equally their own space it's really lovely.

sandgrown · 21/07/2024 06:46

I have had a marriage then two long term relationships. Husband had an affair with my BF. Ist long term partner was great fun but an irresponsible man child who drank too much. 2nd long term partner suffered with depression and also drank too much . After 20 years I got fed up of trying to cheer him up and dealing with all the life admin. I lost money in each relationship. I have now learnt my lesson . I now live alone with adult son . Through hard work my finances are recovering and I am enjoying life . I would never say never and I might be lonely when DS leaves home but for now I am fine .

iolaus · 21/07/2024 06:46

Don't know

I don't think I'd actively look, but wouldn't completely rule it out either

Lwrenn · 21/07/2024 06:46

LGBirmingham · 21/07/2024 06:42

I couldn't imagine being with anyone else but I guess you can't know until the time? I think if dh died it would take years to move on for me. If we divorced I guess our relationship would've become so awful I probably wouldn't want another man in my life.

I would also be very concerned about inheritance for ds after what I've read here so if I did have another relationship I don't think I'd marry again and would avoid moving in.

However my best friend's mum died when we were in our early 20s and her Dad did meet someone else. She puts lots of effort into his grandchildren and my friend is very grateful for that, although obviously very sad her own mum isn't there. She was also single with no children and wealthy so no worries there about anything to do with inheritance.

I think that mumsnet (with its horrid rep 😁) has been invaluable for lots of us with women sharing stories such as the inheritance ones etc.
I know prior to being a mumsnetter I'd have never considered many of the implications involved that women struggle with on here.
I wonder if that's made me so staunch in my view of never again but equally, I just don't want to bring anyone into my dcs lives.

GradGirl · 21/07/2024 06:50

jesnih · 20/07/2024 23:28

No, I've thought about this a few times. When I met DH I wasn't interested in being in a couple or getting married or even having dc, I've never wanted any of those things in an abstract sense. I'm happier on my own. But I fell for DH so I made an exception. If he was no longer in my life, I would just continue as it was before I met him (but with dc).

I felt like this too, neither marriage or DC were in my plans. Post divorce it’s just me and DC who has grown into a lovely young adult.

It is a firm no from me.

MrsDoubtfire123 · 21/07/2024 06:50

ThePoshUns · 20/07/2024 23:25

My kids asked me the same question once. It was a firm no from me.
I really couldn't be bothered. I'd rather live on my own.

This … 100%

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 21/07/2024 06:52

No. My DC are adults and live their own lives, and I would be more than happy to live on my own.

MyPetLip · 21/07/2024 06:54

Yes I definitely would, if I met someone.

HobNobAddict · 21/07/2024 06:55

Ridiculousme · 20/07/2024 23:32

Gawd no, 24 years in, not got the energy to train another one.

Brilliant response - Just my thoughts !

TicTac80 · 21/07/2024 06:57

I'm divorced, and have no wish at all to date anyone, let alone remarry. I'm 44 and my kids are 10 and 17. I'm quite happy being single, and I just can't be bothered with all the faff, I don't want to risk getting hurt again and I don't want my kids having to deal with a new person on the scene.

Barney16 · 21/07/2024 06:58

Yes and I did but not sure if I would now I'm much older ( still with second OH) . I really like being by myself and definitely can imagine living by myself. Maybe it's about age. I think I have grown into myself.

Deargodletitgo · 21/07/2024 06:59

I got divorced 5 years ago, now have a new DP but while we spend half our time together, we don't live together. I have my kids the other half of the time. I enjoy his company and the sex...but I don't think I want to live with someone again or get married. I like my own house and independence.

My ex husband tho, his new partner is desperate to get married to him. No idea why.

Hateam · 21/07/2024 07:02

Bluebirdover · 21/07/2024 06:35

Yes, but only for financial reasons.

With that attitude, I hope you don't.

SirWalterElliot · 21/07/2024 07:03

Hmm not sure... I definitely don't want any more kids, and I'm not keen on the idea of step kids (unless they're already adults). Unlikely to actually remarry I think, but I don't think I'd want to be single forever either.

BlackBean2023 · 21/07/2024 07:04

I wouldn't be celibate, would definitely date and have sex (on my terms!) but wouldn't marry again. There'd be no benefit - my kids will inherit so don't need to avoid IHT and I'm a high earner so don't need the stability of marriage to protect myself financially.

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 21/07/2024 07:05

I remember my ex asked me this and I said never say never. He then had a massive strop about it (twat).

I don't want to end up a sad lonely old lady. I may not remarry (once bitten and all that) but I'm open to finding love, just need to find the right man.

MrsKarlUrban · 21/07/2024 07:05

I don't think you can truley know until it has happened to you. I was a very young divorcee at 26 and a widow at 36
And having had both experiences they are nothing alike and can't be compared.
I've now been with my fiancé 10 years

HaveYouSeenRain · 21/07/2024 07:06

No. Can’t be bothered to date etc would rather enjoy my own life and do my own things.
i also hated having a stepparent and would never do that to my kids. Plus I want our home and savings go to our kids not to new husband.