Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

THEY are covering the rent/mortgage - it comes out of his wages before the may get the money into his account. They had an agreement - his money pays for their lives, her time looking after the children covers that side. It’s months money and he deigns to give her what he decides - that’s not a fair relationship. That’s not an equal partnership.

I don’t get how people cannot understand that it isn’t his money to treat himself whilst she gets into debt paying for the kids.

If he was a decent person he would have sat down with her to work things out. Cutting her off and letting her go into debt is abusive and unacceptable.

No you don't want another baby.

I got an evening job as did a few friends. It was nice to have the extra money. Also nice to get away from the house. You'll also show when you get back to work an up to date reference

The family bills of £470 per month is very low. I need some tips.

I don't think it matters whether other people think you're spending is reasonable op. You need to focus on getting a job/childcare asap. He's already threatening divorce. You are in a very precarious situation. You'll likely get government help with childcare. Apply for Universal credit, it's highly likely you'll be entitled to something.

I'm absolutely not saying he's rolling in it and I do want to know if I've overspent. I'm asking genuinely. I still don't agree that he can refuse me money if it's needed though.

So he's giving less than a quarter of the disposable cash, do you have to buy all the food shopping for the month off that, kids clothes, nappies, fuel, activities etc? That's nowhere near enough he's being an absolute dick! I'd leave him, he's veing financially abusive.

Tell him you're going to need to get a job and put the kids in childcare, give him the monthly cost of that and tell him you can each pay half of it and then half the costs of food shopping, all other bills and share the housework etc etc as you are both working. See what he thinks of that.

Your bills are very cheap if they come in at a total under £500. Our gas/electric and council are just over £400 without any insurance, internet etc.

The problem is his just gone over the top when as others say an actual adult sit down is needed.

where does the 2,100 go after it’s received. Down to the last penny to see what can be cut and what can’t. An honest discussion that maybe the children do need to go to nursery.

I mean, this is total projection, but it doesn't matter. You cannot withdraw your agreement if your spouse is not yet working. And the OP has said that he doesn't want her to work.

If he doesn't want her to work then he pays for everything and he lets her have access to their joint money. Or he supports her to get back into work so she can have her own money. Anything less than that is abusive.

Then you need to figure out what's changed? He's commitment to the family? He's underestimated the true costs? The rise in absolutely everything. I'd most definitely not have another with him absolutely not lol

I mean if the money isn’t there he can say no. He can’t magic money out his arse can he. If you’ve by the 21st blown though £500 plus child benefit and the banks empty or only enough to cover needed fuel and the last two weeks of fresh food. Then that is all that can be done.

You need to discuss a realistic budget. You have used the £500 in 3 weeks , plus's gone into your overdraft,so have you been given enough or are you frivolous 🤷‍♀️
Sit down and work out what your actual budget food , nappies , cleaning products, petrol ect .
I think you have got used to spending because the money has always been there your DH now wants to start saving .
The only way to resolve it is to sit down and sort a budget like adults.

He’s getting £2100 a month. So she is using her £600 on everything whilst squirrels away £1600 so the bank account isn’t empty is it? He absolutely can increase the family budget to support his family which he created and agreed that he wanted his wife not to work until the kids were at school.

Yes but this is the problem, isn't it?

She's the one who is buying nappies, doing food shops, putting petrol in the car and looking after two children full time.

And he's the one deciding how much money that should cost, without any input from her about how much it actually does cost.

*I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays*

But he’s not unreasonable to reply with this. If there’s food already in the house you don’t actually need additional money for activities for a week and a half just because “summer”. Your kids aren’t even school age so summer holidays are irrelevant. You can just do free activities like the park for a week.

You say he did the food shop before this 3 week period so clearly he does also put additional money towards things like that.
Surely when the current food is finished he can do a food shop?

The main issue here is he says you aren’t together anymore and you seem to be glossing over that in your head. It sounds like you both need to sit down and figure out exactly what the future looks like.

How much are you spending weekly on food, fuel and nappies? How much is your monthly phone bill? Work that out and see what you are left with for the real disposable cash as that's necessities.

She’s not spending “her” portion on everything though while he squirrels everything away. Do you think some food shops and day trips are the whole bills for a family of 4?
OP doesn’t actually cover the running bills of the household.

Unless ops looked at where the moneys going we don’t what’s left in the account. She says before she’s used to him just sending more. Maybe they have a huge overdraft on the account. Maybe the bills anit £500 because I’d be shocked at a house supporting 4 people to have such small bills too. And just like her even if he had all that money on the 1st don’t mean it’s still there on the 21st

@Rockyrockrock if he wants to be dishing you out money (obviously controlling but that’s a whole other story) then he needs to be paying all the bills from his account including your phone and any car expenses (eg give you a fuel card if he really won’t do things sensibly).

But you do need to see/agree (jointly) the budget and how much is for essential bills and what’s left for housekeeping and so on in order to know when there is extra budget available (eg for child’s summer clothes) or not, or when money’s tight. As well as ‘rainy day’ savings, it’s worth setting aside money each month for larger expenses (or paying instalments if it’s not too expensive eg road tax, car service, insurance and so on. If he won’t give you all the info it makes it harder to know if you are sticking to a budget or not.

The sensible thing would be for you both to sit down and work out a reasonable budget that you can agree on

Jesus Christ! Only read OPs replies but can’t believe people are arguing this arse of a man is being reasonable and she’s spending too much!

Did you all miss the bit when he said they are not together anymore and he doesn’t need to give her anything?

This is a man who is saying clearly he hates her, is going to leave her and will give her as little as he can get away with.

OP, this marriage is over. Prepare for a bitter split as he’s made it clear he’ll protect his own finances at cost to you. He’s probably saving for the solicitor or hiding this money in the event of a divorce.

You need to look into how to best protect your interests in a divorce. Look into benefits you can get. If you get work, the benefits system is quite good at rewarding working parents, from the parents I know on it.

Then how has he got the money to treat himself to things worth £70 and meals out?

Come on, he’s talked about leaving her and now he’s suddenly restricting cash - it’s clear what’s going on here and I can’t believe people are still trying to blame the OP.

A man like this will not sit down and discuss it sensibly. This is the whole problem. He simply attacks and makes her feel unreasonable, like so many on here. He thinks he is doing her a favour. He is abusive.

@Rockyrockrock how long have you been married? There is (on quick google) some rules about divorce from a military spouse.

I have a feeling it is not in his interest to divorce you.

It is 100% unreasonable that he keeps the majority of the money just for him.
Please do not justify a farm trip for 4 pounds to posters on here.

Get things together and see a lawyer. If he is like this when now, when you have an 18m old, it is going to become horrific.

I can't tell from your post on who's being reasonable. Hard to tell what your finances are like - having savings if a sensible thing even when you are skint - but you need to agree what level of savings you can sensibly achieve. I think the budget should have been agreed upon upfront starting with how much you need to spend on food, outings, clothing etc keeping receipts for everything and revisiting the decision after a month. Going to the farm and cafe for a day out and then discovering you only have £30 left till the end of the month is not good planning.

Sounds like you need to work more as a team and agree how to approach things and then commit to the decision.
As for your relationship - everyone has bad days if you are not happy on a long term basis then you should try to fix it in some way - whether that be fix the relationship or get out, maybe think about getting a part time job to give you more financial security and ease the purse strings a little.

And OP the money he is giving you is absolutely pitiful for food, petrol, clothes for you and kids and days out etc.

It's his income which is covering all the bills though.