Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

WTAF

@Rockyrockrock

Please ask MN to move your thread to Relationships. Thankfully there are posters on here who are helping you but this is AIBU and many aren’t. You'd get good and constructive practical advice there.

£2100 is not much these days.

Can you apply for universal credit?

I guess both of you only have £1400 between you all once the bills come out

With the cost of living being so high I can understand why money is so tight.

Maybe look at taking some bar work on in the evening?

Maybe they cannot afford that much on playgroup then, on that income?
Maybe her monthly bills could be better budgeted?

Who is paying for the weekly food shop?

The food shopping, petrol, kids clothes should come out of the family budget!

Exactly.
Understand him? What about him understanding her ? Fgs 1950 or what

So does the monthly food shop for the family come out of the £500 he gives you, op?

Tbh I can't believe tha people are still saying this is about budgeting and not financial abuse! He's cut up the card, changed the PIN, keeps £1k to himself, buys whar he likes for himself and is making op feel like a child, in her own words. He is using the withdrawal of money to control her!

Make an escape plan, op. You need to start accessing more of your own money and be less reliant on him. Tell him you're going to look for a part time job and see what his reaction is. Will he support that or fly off the handle? I know it's not easy to do this with two young children when you've given up work, but your eldest will be entitled to free childcare hours. Your youngest isn't far off that. What did you do for work before children?

Honestly, right now you need to be building financial independence from him so that it's easier to leave when things inevitably become worse. Do you have family nearby, or has his military career taken you far from home? You're facilitating his military career, providing free childcare and not treating yourself to anything because he's withholding money whilst spending on himself. The scales have tipped heavily in his favour. Unfortunately a familiar story when women give up work to raise children.

Jumping to conclusions isn't 'helping' either.

I think with those figures, budgeting is absolutely necessary. The money would soon go if no one was keeping the spending in check.
He had £1100 left based on your numbers. Has he paid for anything else out of that, besides one weeks food shop?

It would be interesting to hear his side of this story. Is he a prick or does he have a partner who wastes money and doesn't get that a budget is needed?

I had a partner who spent money we didn't have and lied about it. Stealing money from accounts and putting our home and livelihood at risk . Its hard to see who is really doing what here. It's very important that both sides sit down and sort this out.

This. He agreed to be the breadwinner and for the OP to be a stay at home parent. That means there is no "his money", there is only family money and the OP should have equal access to it.

If that arrangement isn't working anymore then they need to sit down and discuss what needs to change, how the OP is going to get back into work, how he will facilitate that and how they will arrange childcare BEFORE he starts treating his salary as his money rather than their money.

Yes, as I’ve said they could have done that through proper grown up discussion and setting a new budget. Not by him cutting her off then treating himself to stuff whilst she gets into debt.

Isn't that what he's giving her?
The 500 won't be just for her.

He 100% earns a few things on vinted/a ring to the value of £70 of cause he does! Now if he gave her a budget and she managed to work her magic on it she could keep the change and get herself a few things on vinted! That's not the issue the issue is the clear statement of cutting up the card, he doesn't not want to give her shit he doesn't want he's kids to go to farms/soft play he doesn't want to feed he's life and if I was her I wouldn't want to beg either. She should divorce him 100%

He already warned u that he was saving but u still continued to do needless things with yr kids, u don’t need to stay in to not spend.
I would assume he is saving up to pay divorce lawyer.

But how long ago did he agree? It seems like he's withdrawing he's agreement. It may of been I'll be the breadwinner for a year or 2 and it's turned into 4.

I've never spent 70 in one go on myself since we had kids. Literally never

He bought one £70 item and has the odd meal out, is presumably covering rent/mortgage, utilities, broadband, etc every month, and is saving too. He's provided her with £500 for household money. Perhaps there does need to be a separate 'children' fund for clothes/activities but on that income he's hardly loaded either.
Again, lack of discussion is the issue. Perhaps OP could also pick up some hours in the evening?

So…he keeps a majority of the money and spends what he wants on himself. She gets a quarter of their budget and has to use all of that to pay for bills, clothes, food etc for all of them but also has to figure out how to work it so that she can stash some away to get herself something?

Christ, what is wrong with people? She’s looking free two small children full time. She’s working as they agreed. If he has had enough of that he needs to talk to her, let her find a job then share the finances equally. So that the family money is sorted first and then personally spending afterwards so that the OP is not going into debt to simply clothe and feed her kids.

You can't just unilaterally "withdraw the agreement". You need to sit down and talk about it, like a grown up, and make a plan for your spouse to get back into work.

No he wanted me to stay home at least until they went to school.
He also wanted another baby but obviously that's out the window currently because of all this nonsense

It wasn't like he's funding my choice to be at home. He wanted it aswell/if not more. Didn't want the kids at nursery...

£500 plus £166 CB is not a totally unreasonable ‘limit’ for some or even most of the food shopping and a few cafe trips.

I don’t particularly believe that all their family bills come to £470 and he’s just rolling in it. A sole income under the previous child benefit threshold is not loads of money for a family of 4.

He's probably Said hundreds of times that he's not got the money to support them properly this very likely didn't happen overnight.