Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

@MissScarletInTheBallroom
Yes she needs to present him with the facts , show him the receipts .
Work out as adults what budget should be set aside for running the house.
I think there are faults on both sides op has spent £500 + child benefit in 3 weeks. For me that seems a lot . So maybe her husband does too .
She needs to show him look I spend £x on petrol £x on food £x on cleaning products. Op and her DH need a realistic budget.

OP, you said up thread you were in military housing so I assume your Husband is Armed Forces. You could go to the families hub for advice, or even some family/marriage counselling to help with communication over finances. You could access this advice without going through his Unit's welfare team, though it may get to that point if he is repeatedly threatening to leave. Do you have a good support locally?

Apologise?
Humble herself?

It's not the fucking 1950s!!!

@Rockyrockrock get your shit together, and get ready to LTB and then have a fabulous life, where you earn your own money, and spend it on your dc and you!

He can 'refuse' if enough was already provided* *and you've not budgeted - that isn't necessarily the case here, of course, but it's unrealistic to say he can't ever 'refuse'.

Oh, I cannot any more.

This attitude is so disgusting, I can’t believe I’m hearing women argue this.

Maybe she should stop washing his clothes, making his dinner, buying him food, looking after his kids, housework that benefits him - because she does all that work, yeah?

Come on, people cannot seriously believe that - after they agreed TOGETHER that she shouldn’t work till the kids were in school - that it’s all his money. It doesn’t work like this at all, how gross.

It's a 1/4 of the total income.
Other bills and savings also need to be covered from the total income.
They are maintaining 4 people on a pretty low budget to start with!

Agreed.

This thread is toxic and full of really odd people.

Then get a job so you can.

There is no way I’d allow a man to tell me I have to be a SAHM because he ‘doesn’t want the kids in nursery’ and therefore end up entirely dependent on him for money. Did you even have any say in the matter?

Why do so many women sleepwalk into this kind of nonsense. It leaves you vulnerable and open to abuse. Personally I would have stopped after the first child if his attitude was that you would not be ‘permitted’ to work.

You cannot buy clothes for yourself. You run out of nappies midway through the month. People on this thread have resorted to advising you to visit a food bank. Doesn’t any of this make you want to take steps to support yourself financially? Are you not pissed off with the fact that a visit to a farm, a bit of lunch and a summer wardrobe for your child (all normal, everyday things) has placed you in a financially perilous position?

Obviously you will not be able to change your financial situation overnight and just walk into a job but I do think that should be your longer term strategic goal starting now. In the meantime it looks as if you will have to cut your DH’s cloth and budget for £500 a month.

Facts are disgusting?
It's called his income because he is earning it.
They both need to sit down and budget.

hairy hairy hands

@Rockyrockrock you can sort this today .

You and him are over . Claim on line a universal credit application . Don’t do anything for him now no washing ironing shopping cooking . He is on his own just like you and the kids.

Then Claim csm. Don’t even tell him him your doing any of this just go quiet .

I agree with op he has checked out of the relationship for whatever reason. He’s leaving , has someone else .
This is financial abuse .

Why is it toxic to call something what it is though? For tax purposes, benefit purposes etc it is his earned income! Calling it his income, because it is his income, doesn't equate to saying that he shouldn't be using that income for them as a family! They need to sit down together and budget together.
False outrage is futile.

Oh and sleep separately even if he’s to be on the sofa .

No, it’s family money because that’s the agreement they made. It’s not his money and he can give her scraps because she is raising their kids which is work that doesn’t pay. Therefore the money he earns is for their family.

No wonder men get away with treating women like shit when so many women are happy to support them in doing so.

OP this will be my last word because there are many toxic people on this thread - I would leave it if I were you. You need to get out and make adjustments to your life. Get a new place, get CMS, find some work and get your life back. This is no way to leave and it will impact your children in the future. You deserve better.

No, it's their income, because the arrangement they have (which he wanted) is that he earns the money and she takes care of the kids.

If a couple decide that one will be a SAHP, it really only works well if there is complete trust and openness about the income of the working parent and how the available money will be split. A budget is normally necessary, just so there is agreement about how much goes on food, clothes, leisure, savings, etc. It seems the OPs budget was imposed upon her without her being able to agree what else money was being spent on or how much she actually needed. Without that initial agreement, she feels the current way is infantilising, which it is. Controlling of him, invaliding for her. She doesn't really need people commenting on her spending. She needs help to have the open adult conversation with her husband about what the right budget should be. If he is not open to that, it implies his urge to control her is inconsistent with her remaining a SAHP to this man's children.

It's still his income, even if it's used for the whole family though. 🫣
Stop calling people toxic for using correct terms. 😬

Okay love, you keep pushing that narrative.

Hope he picks you, hun.

Agreed.

I second this! Is there anywhere you can go? Anybody who would put you up?

Who cares what words you use? If it's "his income" then he needs to use half of it to support the mother of his children who is staying at home taking care of them at his request, because she doesn't have any income of her own, because that's what he wanted.

How is referring to something as what it is 'pushing narrative'?

He isn’t giving her any more money for nappies, seriously ?
He also said if she ran out he would give her more .
Should he occupy the kids through the holidays or do they all stay home for 6/7 weeks
what happens with the clothes the kids need does op beg on free sites when the husband /father is holding back money

He knows they are over he just hasn’t told OP and is leaving her with little and now nothing .

You need to do two things:
Talk to him about finances and get a proper joint account. Show him a budget of what you've spent and where. (Although £80 on a kids clothes does seem a lot to me ...)

Start getting your ducks in a row. Getting some kind of income of your own, and prepare to leave. Make sure your crucial documents are stored outside the house.

Either he is: financially abusive, planning to divorce you or has debts you don't know about.

Exactly my point.
It's his income because he's worked to earn that particular chunk of money. They've both chosen for her to be a SAHP, so also expending effort but not earning an income in it's own right, so his chunk of earned money needs to support them all as a family. They need to talk and budget, but tbh they don't have a huge income to support 4 people with.
Some posters are off on a pointless rant.