Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

I sort of agree with this

Difficult for us to know if OP is overspending or her DH is tight fisted

But, these should be joint decisions with transparency

OP, I suggest you look at returning to work

Some folk manage ok on that amount, some have no choice.

I'm thinking that you need to sit down together and work out your budget. Unreasonable that he's suddenly decided to change the rules. In the near future you probably need to get an income as it doesn't look like things will get any easier. Maybe get him to come on some outings, at least he can then pay.

Set up a life insurance too as a trust less than £20 a month for the worse!

Cut it up and changed the pin? He resents he's live with you op and he's hoping you'll leave or he'll make every day difficult if you stay! Cut it up is a massive statement!

It's not necessarily abusive to be asked to budget, if a reasonable amount was set aside for spending and the rest saved (was stated at the beginning) this is reasonable and sensible if op doesn't budget well herself.

The main problem is, that he has been controlling it. You’ve never had access to a joint account, so there is a power balance.

Now he’s decided to cut off your card, he wants to leave, and you are fucked.

So you absolutely need to start working and gain your independence back.

OP - I work part time and most of our money is my husbands as. I don’t earn much. He would never do this, never. I think this is financial abuse and agree that he is potentially prepping to leave. You need to leave now before you get entirely screwed over - get out, get CMS sorted and move on.

People will accuse you of not working etc, but often when one person is a SAHP it’s agreed by both parties to make family life easier. When one decides to do something like this, it’s unacceptable. He’s been spending on himself, you’ve been paying for the family.

I’d be gone. Before that I would probably be tempted to also stop making him dinner and tell him there wasn’t enough money to feed him, but I wouldn’t recommend actually doing that as that’s when things turn nasty!

Get yourself together, get out and don’t allow him to exert this control over you.

It wasn’t a reasonable budget though was it? Certainly not when her husband has been purchasing things for himself.

But hes keeping £1000 for himself which tells me he's not wanting to be in a partnership.

What the fuck!! No humbling required, it leads to contempt which is the death of any marriage.

How much do you think is reasonable

Food £300
Petrol £80
Kids clothes / stuff £50
Activities £50
Anything else £40

Then ask for it
Then budget for it

Save the child benefit for yourself.

But yes it doesn't sound good.

£2100 take home pay really isn’t a lot at all with no savings. £500 seems like what many people have left each month after bills! Plus you get the child benefit on top of that?! I think budgeting is the issue here, not abuse.

An £80 spend on a new wardrobe is a big deal when in reality a couple of cheap outfits this month and a couple next month could have worked better, or try Facebook market place, eBay, charity shop for lower cost and reduce ‘fast fashion’ waste. Shopping wise, perhaps cut down on what you buy and meal plan some cheaper meals like jacket potatoes, egg based dishes, things on toast a couple of times a week? It can be done, it’s an adaptation of what you’re used to and having some savings will pay off!

At the end of the day your husband doesn't earn enough to support the whole family. There will hardly be any family savings. You need to get a job really.

If he's working long hours I'd most definitely expect him to be buying himself the odd treat that's the benefit of working. Her husband possibly thinks that he's supported her choosing to be a stay at home mom long enough.

It's a 1/4 of their income and not an unreasonable amount at all - clearly budgeting is required but most of us have to budget.
I'd be getting monthly essentials (nappies, non- perishable groceries, cleaning etc) at the start, work out a weekly meal plan/ingredients list/budget, and ferret away any lose change for treat days out. In reality many folk don't get to do that many paid activities with their kids nowadays.
* The bigger issue is their lack of discussion though - that's more of a red flag than the amounts themselves tbh.*

Ew. What a gross attitude.

You think being a SAHP is easy? It’s not long hours? It’s often 24/7.

If they agreed to her being a SAHP then it’s an agreement they need to reconsider together, allowing her to find work before he starts deciding he isn’t going to play for the family any longer.

£50 on activities ist necessary - we've just been conditioned to think costly=better.

Financial and psychological abuse. Ring us at Womens Aid for support and advice

You're going to continue in an unequal financial relationship - with one person controlling how family money is used - or be a single parent with your own choices. Either way, start planning for your own economic independence. Now. And don't get pregnant in the interim.

He has decided that by cutting up the bank card. I didn't say it's not difficult being a stay at home mom I said he's feeling like he's obviously at the end of he's rope with it. 2100 isn't a large enough budget to support 4 people and quite frankly going cap In hand to him? Sounds exhausting she should plan an exit

I think you’re asking the wrong questions. The issues here go a lot deeper than whether he is wrong or right or you spent money on things that were frivolous. Do you really want to be married to a man who can infantilise you on a whim? Take the bank card away and give you pocket money? Threaten to divorce you every time you have an argument? Do you really want to be wholly financial dependent on a man such as your DH? If the answer is no, you should start thinking about leaving. Of course leaving will be hard but remember that your current situation is also hard.

Her monthly bills were £470 and playgroup £128 - so it wasn’t enough. We don’t know what the money bills were and if they were negotiable or not. But he is absolutely wrong to give her £500 without any discussion and then spend money on himself for stuff for him. Thats not and never will be okay.

Sounds absolutely exhausting 😴 I couldn't do that no

You think because he ‘works hard’ he deserves a little treat?? Well she works hard too and said she hasnt purchased anything for herself. Where’s her little treat?

We don’t have a full breakdown of their finances so don’t know what is being spent/wasted, but his actions are unacceptable. To sit down and look at spending and calculate a budget together is one thing, to put her into financial difficult whilst spending money on himself is unacceptable. If he gave a shit about her he wouldn’t want her to be in financial difficulties as he wouldn’t want a bad mark on her name for when they decide to get a mortgage together after the military but he doesn’t does he? It’s red flags everywhere. He’s a twat, he doesn’t deserve ‘little treats’, he deserves to be divorced