Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

He has around £1000 a month to himself and all his food, rent, childcare is paid and done for him? No doubt his housework and laundry too. Gross. This man is disgusting

It's completely possible to spend less than £150!

Well it's not been expanded on you've got things like car insurance he's own phone bill, birthdays, I can't see 470 being allll bills/expenses

OP has had one month out of 8 years where her DH has said what is spent needs to be capped. One month. That is not financial abuse. It actually does a huge disservice to women who are genuinely trapped in abusive marriage for people to band this around.

OP’s biggest concern in her OP was having to stay home and not do any paid activities for a week!

Whether or not he’s a dick and OP wants to stay together, we don’t know but it’s not financial abuse to not allow one partner to spend to the end of the money every month!

Every person on the thread said he's a runt who's constantly threatening to divorce her and that they wouldn't stand for it. Then money was being discussed as THAT is the only practical advise any of us can offer. As that's something he's not going to UP anytime soon and she's not managing on it!

Sorry wrong person lol x

"We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
The fact of the matter is that he's left the marriage so everything, including finances, will change. He's being a complete dick in the way he's handling this though and you need to see a solicitor, fast, so you can all agree a way forward.
Meanwhile, be as frugal as you can possibly be. No cafés, no expensive trips. Stick to the park/friends houses/free local events so you've got enough left for essentials. Borrow from friends or family for nappies if you need to.

@Cinocino shows what you know about financial abuse. This is how it starts. OP is set up to fail and is already in her overdraft - which she has no means of paying off.

Her outgoings are more than she is being given to cover essentials. She has NOTHING to buy clothes or shoes or anything else she needs. She has already stated she has not bought anything for herself since her kids were born.

She has had access to funds removed. She has to ask for money and justify her spending. Again - you do not seem to grasp his earnings are family money. Not his - your whole outlook is extremely misogynistic and dated. This is what they both agreed to and he has changed the rules with notice.

That it isn’t it. Yes his a twat because everytime his unhappy he says his done and over it. But ok says that’s all bluff and balls.

For 8 years when their oldest is 4. She’s had free access to his full banking and bank card.

This month his also said his done with this… taken back his bank card and cut it up after what was it sending £500 to op, her getting child benefit, £100 shopping £130? Nursery paid and £50 in the car.

What op actually needs to is find out or decide her self is it actually over this time because his actions would appear to say so at which point he doesn’t owe her anymore. A maintenance claim would need to be applied for and op to sign on to universal credit and a divorce be filed for. Housing would be sorted out as in who stays via the military presumably.

so while the dh is a twat. Is he a husband or a ex husband when the ops wanting more money that may or may no exist.

This is why people are trying to offer advice on budgeting because with careful planning that money combined with the childbenefit and the 150 shop/petrol should of got her to 3 weeks with the nappies she needs!

In which case if he has to do £100 shops which don’t last the week and a fill up of petrol and £664 isn’t covering things and he is sitting on a surplus of over £800 per month then he isn’t being realistic (although my money is on him having met someone else) they need to sit down and actuall go through what is being spent

Shops could have been done on 1st, by dh so £50 to top up

7th, £150
14th £150
and 20th £150
that is £500

then a couple of fill ups with petrol (don’t forget op said she had been several times to the petrol station
£120

£80 on clothing

There is £700 spent

£8 for the farm visit
and another £50 on food if dh only bought for the week end

£30 left over

That leaves only £12 unaccounted for

Before making out that spending hundreds of pounds is somehow op living the high life and not spending money wisely, actually do the maths and those saying “we only spend £120 or £105” on food shopping. Does that include nappies, clothes, cleaning stuff and petrol.

I have known a few people who have lived in MOD housing and the houses have never been in any convenient locations where a big supermarket or town is on the doorstep
Petrol is a big expense because if you want to go anywhere it costs. Even if it is to the park or library where entry is free. The cost of petrol and parking has to be taken account of.

£150 food shops on that budget is just not sustainable it isn't if you post a thread asking what family's of 4 are spending many of them are going to say considerably less than £150! I'm feeding a ravenous 10 year old and a body builder and myself including toilet roll on around 70ishpw 80 if I'm buying nicer lamb

I absolutely think he's got another woman and I think the aim of the passive aggressive card cutting and the we are not together etc is because he wants her to walk. Then he can tell everybody that she was rinsing him that bad he had to cut the card up.

I meant to say 4 years. 8 years was just a typo. Since my eldest was born.

He doesn't use the car for work. I never said he did.

My child absolutely needed new clothes. I'm not having her wearing clothes that don't fit.
That's what it cost. I even asked him first and he said we could afford it.

We have to drive pretty much everywhere. I don't live in a city.. so yes I do need to fill the car up.

Could get food delivered but also don't want to sit in the house with two kids when it isn't necessary.

I don't. All the money goes on the children. Any treats were for them. And going to the farm once and new essential clothes isn't even treats.
I haven't spent anything on myself in months.

Just wasn't careful enough with food shops. Could have planned and organised better.

@BowlOfNoodles it's really not our business how she budgets or what she cooks. The messages about that just look like you are minimising abuse and come off as patronising.

Are you actually still together op… is he being serious with cutting you off and leaving or was this another temper tantrum.

Budgeting is part of what OP asked, if not directly.

She has posted about it I responded then I've quoted people who've quoted me. So anything you've typed is also none of your business. We've mainly chatted among ourselves stop quoting and you'll see no more replying that simple.

I even asked him first and he said we could afford it.

It’s this sort of thing that I keep noticing; he keeps gaslighting you, telling you it’s all god then changing his mind, that’s one of the things that is bothering me. He clearly isn’t keeping an eye on finances or he gets annoyed with you decides to punish you by suddenly getting arsey about money. It’s very confusing.

Have you talked to him @Rockyrockrock ?

OP said she should or organised and planned better SHE said it herself we knew this so left, supermarket, budget ideas etc yet I'm still being chastised 😂😂 NOW the op said it herself stop harassing me over it cheers.

Why are you "chatting amongst yourselves" hundreds of posts "chatting" is totally derailing this thread.

She did she asked if she'd overspend

@Rockyrockrock Have you decided what you are going to do ?
Or do you feel to blame due to the not so since comments on here ?

I think you need to pay more attention to what your husbands actions are saying . They match his words.

Your a good mum and don’t let anyone make you think you are to blame in this.

Quote somebody else MANY people was talking about budgetting the subject is very much regarding budgeting

No. I really couldn't. Not when my child needed new clothes.

I use my child benefit money to buy things for the kids each month. I use my card for things online if needed because I'm always asked to verify his card and I can't because I never had his bank details...until very recently and now I don't have them any more.

So I used my card.

So I'm often in my overdraft anyway.

Started this month in my overdraft.

Maybe irresponsible but I can't always get things I need in shops round here so I buy online if needed.

So this month...almost 150 went into my overdraft straight away.

So I then had the rest.

Food shops, petrol, farm, cafe, parking because lots of the free activities like country parks round here you still have to pay £4 to park.

I did buy presents for my daughters playgroup teachers. Just a bar of chocolate and an individual bottle of wine. There are 4 of them. I guess I could have not done that. But it's the end of year, she'll never see them again. I appreciate them alot and wanted to show them. Again, this isn't something I usually buy, like 80 on clothes for my daughter. It's occasional things.

I mean the rest must have been co op top ups as I've said we're not well planned and expensive for what I got.

I genuinely didn't go mental like some are saying. I got nothing for myself besides a couple of coffees maybe. Got shampoo, makeup remover and bits like that but I'd consider those essentials.

Being in my overdraft was the problem but when I couldn't use his card online I had no choice. Or I could have not shopped online at all but like I said I can't always get the shops I need nearby.

Also, we're not in England. We absolutely had to pay for her childcare. We don't get help with that where we are currently.