Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

You absolutely can, we typically spend around a week and thats not at a budget supermarket and have two hungry primary kids. That £100-£110 will often also have stuff like loo rolls, cleaning items, shampoo on it as well. We do very very little in the way of top up shops. We just shopped this weekend and spent maybe £105 for plenty of nice food that will last the week.

@Yalta I don’t think you can do less than a £150 per week shop if you have to feed a family of 4, 2 of which are small growing children and you want to give them all 5 portions of fruit and veg per day and buy nappies

Comments like this are so out of touch. Of course you absolutely can spend less than £150, particularly when you have to. Lots of fruit and veg are cheap and plentiful, it doesn’t need to be imported strawberries every single day.
£150 a week would be just over 30% of their total family income. That’s extremely high and borders on unaffordable.

Actually, there is other information you have been given from the OP, such as her husbands behaviour in not communicating, him saying he is going to divorce her when they argue, his overspending but you have decided to focus only on budget, rather than the overall picture. Having read through this thread, you’ve spent a lot of time ‘liking’ and ‘giggling’ on a thread that is extremely distressful for the OP and could potentially equate to abuse. You haven’t added anything constructive to the conversation, instead you’ve behaved like a silly little child revering in the OPs distress. Funny, I didn’t think the schools had broken up yet, but maybe they have where you are. Either way, maybe you should go for a little bike ride?

Firstly she only had £664 (£500 from dh and £164 from CB)

If dh only spent £100 on a shop there was still another £50 extra that was needed to top that shop up

£614

£80 on clothing for dc

£534

then 3 weeks of £150 food shops

£84

and say a £60 fill up of the car

£24

£8 on that. Farm visit

£16

Rockyrockrock is doing better than I can because she has £30 left over.

Remember that all those quoting Lidl prices, it all depends where you are and what you buy.
We are mainly vegetarian and fruit and veg is a staple part of our families diet and that is very similar price where ever you go. The last time I was in lidl, the things I buy, some were a little cheaper and some were a little more expensive than the local large Tesco

I have tried over the years shopping at Lidl and can’t ever get a full shop there.

Some of what we eat doesn’t even feature on the shelves

@Rockyrockrock
A few questions:

Other than what you’ve said here, how is your relationship?
Do you want to stay together?
Do you want to go back to work full time or part time?

What would your future look like if you could choose? There is a lot more happening here than just dodgy budgeting and I don’t like the sound of a fair few things your husband has done. Whilst it does seem like your spending has been a fair bit, I don’t know where you live or the finer details of your spending, so it’s hard to tell. If you’d be comfortable sharing a breakdown, then lots of people on here can help you but DON’T post in AIBU - as you may have gathered, it attracts quite a lot of unkind people. Post in the financial section and there are some kind people who can give you support on how to budget better once they understand where your money is being spent.

You need to consider your relationship. If you want it to work then I agree with PP that counselling is a good step and definitely get some form of work to get you a cushion should your husband do something like this again. If you don’t want to stay anymore, then, to use a common MN phrase, get your ducks in a row and leave him. It doesn’t sound like a healthy or happy relationship. And definitely no more babies currently, he will be able to control you further.

if you need further advice on your marriage post on relationships, you’ll get some good support on there too.

@Yalta I think it’s crazy how people are attacking the OP without actually seeing a. Breakdown of what she is spending. Topping up the car he Sue’s with petrol for example - we don’t know his commute so how much it’s costing. If she posts a breakdown (not here obviously) then she can get some kind, constructive advice on how to better budget.

But overall she needs to consider her relationship, it sounds so unpleasant to be in in its current state.

Also agree about Lidl, plus I have bought fruit and veg from there that seems fine and is gone off within a day or two. I bought spuds a few months back in a bag and when I got them home the ones in the middle were rotten. There’s lots of produce they don’t do either and they sell a lot of crap, lots of processed stuff, in ours. So I buy bits from there and bits from Tesco. People just think their life experiences equal everyone else’s, they have no wider thought unfortunately!

Also if dh has £995 left for fun money, where is Rockys fun money after she had paid for food, petrol, clothing and nappies

I laughed at the outrage over him going on vinted 🙂 and I continue to do so!

Then maybe you need to grow up and find a hobby. Laughing at someone’s husband not supporting their family financially whilst they spend money on themselves over their family isn’t funny. You can witter on about budgets all you want, but even if the OP is overspending his behaviour has been unacceptable. Hopefully, should you ever find yourself in a distressing situation, no one will be immature enough to laugh at the nuances of your life.

@Yalta
Shopping for the first week already done by DH
Op only had to top that up . She's then done 2 weeks shopping and run out of money .
Her DH might not be a nice man but op has spent @ 700 on a top up shop , two full shops , petrol , clothes. Too me you look at your bank statements and see what has been spent we're , go to your DH and work out a budget.

FFS will people stop posting things like this.

The issue is OP is being financially abused by her DH. She has much bigger issues to deal with right now.

I will continue to find humour in whatever I like thank you somebody buying used clothes on a full time wage being called outrageous was and continues to be ridiculous to me. If wasn't the ops comments I was laughing at it was the lady who kept talking about the ring 🤷‍♀️

The lady talking about the ring sounded like she was trying to make a point that you kept missing - that the husband was spending on himself whilst saying there was no money for essentials after he had told @Rockyrockrock that all she had to do was ask. It is an example of a serious imbalance in their relationship and further proof that he isn’t resting her right. But you have simply focused on the budget and acted like that’s the important thing - except it’s not, and a majority of people here seem to be able to understand that there are serious relationship issues here and his spending behaviour is indicative if that.

🥱 quote others... you are not the gate keeper of what people see humour in... she quoted me I thought it was amusing the end. He's not some dosser keeping all the uc hes a full time worker of cause he can buy himself some second hand shit on vinted.

You don't know what the DH bought in that shop he likes a drink it could have been booze. Do I need to spell it out he was obviously in the mood to treat himself this month and didn't want the op to touch it. She probably had to do a shop after he spent a £100 at the supermarket why did he give her the same £500 if he already did a shop?

Over £100 a week on a proper shop is not unreasonable. I just finished my shop and it came to £125.95.

Then so can she, so stop having a go at her. You are more than free to laugh at what you want, if you find other people’s life issues funny then that’s on you - but maybe this forum isn’t for you, as it’s extremely unkind to come on and laugh at people who have been brave enough to ask for strangers’ support when you are having a tough time. Fingers crossed you never go through tough times and engage with someone like yourself.

I’m not engaging with you any further as I don’t talk to nasty people, but I wish you all the best and I hope one day you see that kindness is much better than being nasty for no reason.

Personally I would be taking his threat that he is going to leave her as the truth. (To say it, is to actually have thought about it)

I think he is using it as a threat to keep her in line (my mother used to threaten to put me in a children’s home when she wanted to keep me in line. I had already been put there on a regular basis when she had her mental breakdowns and I much preferred it to living with her)

But like my mothers threats, sometimes the carried out threat is better than the status quo

Discussing everything with Women’s Aid because what he is doing is abuse. They have solicitors she can see and because of the abuse there is a chance she could get legal Aid
Filling out the on line forms for UC and looking for a place to rent. Also looking on Entitledto website to see what it is that could be claimed

I would also recommend she do some snooping to see if she can get evidence of payslips, bank accounts and any savings accounts. To see where his salary is going Is there a separate account for savings? If there is then photographing the evidence. Because what ever money is in there is part of the marital plot .

Because it is an MOD house then there isn’t any lease or rent to pay from her end and she is free to leave when ever she wants.

I actually think there is more than likely someone else who he is starting to see and that is why he has cut up the card she used because at a cashpoint she could see where he was spending money. If she saw a payment to Victoria Secret and no pink bag was presented to her then it would give the game away

Actually no I am not dependent on anyone. .
I feel I am just a decent human being and £500 for a family of 4 and young kids is not going to work . OP is running the house .

The other stuff to factor in is what he is keeping for him self . Not even saying oh £200/300 to savings no this is just for his play time .
Play time stopped when he has kids.

No money for a farm for kids in the summer or new clothes or nappies . Op is being made to feel bad for this while he is at the pub. Seriously ???

He has OP stuck at home .
Do you really believe he will step up with childcare , admin and home duties if she takes a job on . Do you think he wants to pay for childcare either .

This will all be left to OP
I don’t trust the man . I will say it again he is up to something .

I found the other posters rambling at length about vinted funny as she behaved quite enraged like he'd really taken a huge audacity I didn't laugh at the OP. I'm not repeating myself to you again. You are also not in charge of if I'm to use mumsnet other people thought it was funny to go back and quote them. Many thanks.

And what did her dh actually buy when he spent £100 on a shop
Was it from a list that op wrote him or was it weekend treat foods + beers and wine. Topping up that shop is at the very least £50 or could be another £100.

But even if it was £50 to top off that shop there is at least another 3.5 weeks of shopping to be done (there are more than 28 days/4 weeks in a month) then it still means it doesn’t add up to her having any fun money. Yet her dh has £995

Plus Rocky never had £700 to begin with so please tell me where you get that figure from.

The 750 includes the 3 week budget of 500 then the 100 he spent on food £50 petrol and then child benefits we all thought originally that it was just 500 for evvvvverything for those 3 weeks.

I agree with you. I’m confused as to why people are arguing about Lidl vs Co-op when there are so many red flags with regards to the husbands behaviour - regardless of the spending, he does not seem like a decent man at all. People think that spending on himself is fine, but I cannot fathom someone who would plead poverty whilst buying themselves pointless things. Clothes, fair enough, but nights out and jewellery? Absolutely not. The way he has conducted himself is concerning and I think you’re right that there is something else afoot. I can’t decide between cheating, some form of addictive behaviour (paying for porn or gambling) or general control. I think if the OP were honest there would be other things in their past that would build a better picture of what sort of man he is.

Here’s hoping she wades through this thread and hears those of us telling her to take some time to really consider her life instead of worrying about spending here or there - if that is an issue it needs addressing, but her problems are so much bigger than a trip to a farm.

@Yalta Plus Rocky never had £700 to begin with so please tell me where you get that figure from.

It’s not that far off. £670 + the food and petrol that was already purchased. £500+ child benefit.

You really don't get it. The op is getting abused and your posting this. Community I gave up a long time ago everyone does everything for themselves out of spite, entertainment or a leg up in the work world.

We was talking about budgetting so op would some exta money for HERSELF then we chatting between ourselves about seasoning 😳