Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

Breaded chicken you marinade it up as usual and you whiz the bread crumbs or buy from the shop you season the breadcrumbs with mixed herbs or salt and pepper. You whisk up a couple of eggs with a tea spoon of double cream you dip your chicken in the egg then take it out and cover your chicken breast or thigh with bread crumbs and then put it in the oven. You can have breaded chicken with salad or chips.

I quite agree I couldn't have unseasoned/marinated anything I even season my potatoes lol

Pig belly slices curry with rice and salad. Rather than using beef mince to make a cottage pie you can use pork mince to make a piggy pie. Make your own pizza a fun family cooking time you can add whatever ingredients you want and eat it with salad or chips or both.

Well he's only got 350 more than you and you are in your overdraft and you say you are needing to save money. You need to get a job really as his wages don't cover everything you want as a family

He has actually got £852 more because the £852 is free and clear of bills and household expenses but the £500 he gives to Rockyrockrock is to feed a family of 4, and clothe the 2 children who aren’t going to fit in clothes that they wore last year. Probably one or other will need something each month as they grow and the seasons change.

£500 per month is tight on the food budget alone. What ever the children might save because they don’t eat a lot, the nappies etc will push the costs back up
Clothing for dc + a tank or 2 of fuel each month and I can see why there is no more left and the child benefit and overdraft is being utilised.

So what that op paid a few pounds more to go to the Coop or that she took dc to a day out to a farm. The amount she could have saved (remember a £20 shop at the coop will still cost you £15-£17 in Tesco. Tesco isn’t free) isn’t going to make the difference between her being able to survive the rest of the month or not.

£500 per month just isn’t enough to cover the bills he asks her to pay.

It certainly isn’t considered as anything other than bill money by him. I don’t see why posters are insistent that she has £500 per month to her self.

I think there are two issues - his behaviour, cutting up cards, threatening to divorce, not working with the OP on a sensible structure around family finances is at the very least unhelpful and hardly productive to sensible decision making between two adults in a family partnership. That's on the DH.

But the other side is yet another woman, thinking that being a SAHM is a sensible idea until the kids are at school with a partner who doesn't earn that well. You can't just say childcare costs - you need to think longer term, be proactive and adult. Right from the start. Don't hand over control to someone else. That's on the OP.

do you rely on your partner financially? Some of these answers are off, like posters are thinking of their own lives.

the op gave a few isolated incidents of his spends, and clearly he’s not regularly buying himself stuff for 7o quid. And the op didn’t just do one or two farm visits for a few quid, he’s saying she’s over spent, she’s not addressing that, just saying he gets money so why can’t I and I need to entertain the kids.

unltimately she needs to work, they can’t afford for her being at home. Use the free hours and get a job.

It's not a £3 saving lol! The op said herself that top up shops need to stop! Budget supermarkets like aldi I was saving 30 per week! And absolutely filling my cupboards for example stuffing in my local co op they only sold paxo for £2! Aldi? 49p they only stocked branded alpro £2 soy milk at co-op aldi 55p! That's a 75% saving instantly! Did I love changing to aldi? No I didn't but at the time it was necessary it's not a £3 saving that's incorrect! It's Britain's cheapest supermarket.

@BowlOfNoodles no Aldi where we live. Nearest one is 100 miles away by car and boat. We do have Lidl but their prices are creeping up.

Lots of people have pointed out op was given £500 at the start of the month, plus's she has the child benefits plus's she's gone into her overdraft. Her DH filled the car and did a £100 food shop.
In 3 weeks op has spent £700 + that's a lot .
Maybe she's been overspending for years and DH is way overdrawn in his bank.

I keep saying sit down like adults, go through the spending and work out a budget.

Blimey 100 miles! Are you rural? I've never tried lidl but if I was in debt I'd give it a go once I've used my vast array of spices etc the foods unrecognisable anyway 😂

Yes. Think remote, then go a tad further.....😬....I'm not giving specifics as tmi but you get the idea.

Strange comment about using lidl only if you get in debt. Lol

On the continent it's a pretty major supermarket. And stuff like their cured meats etc at just as good quality as waitrose

There's many places that could be hun lol! But understandable

Actually no I didn't find it to be at waitrose level at all! But the reason it's only if I'm in debt is because it's extremely inconvenient for me vs waitrose being 5 minutes away. But most people don't want to compromise on quality and try cheaper supermarkets. I'm saying I didn't want to either but did and it was fine and saved me at least £120 per month at absolute minimum!

Good, I don't want folk to guess. 😬

Our Lidl the other day had a few campervans in the car park with foreign number plates as it often does . Walking around I heard french being spoken by the bakery and German by the wines. It really is international .

I have waitrose 3 mins from me and would have to drive to next town for lidl. But I honestly don't see any quality difference in the cured meats ( which is what I got for)

This is what I read, over £700 spent in 3 weeks. And yes, we’ve heard OP’s side of the story but there may be a back story of ongoing overspending. We also have no clue what else the DH has to cover with his wages (debts, other bills etc). Instead everyone is fixated on this bloody £70 ring.

He sounds like a bully and deeply unpleasant man but it might be more complex than that. However anyone on this thread who points that out is accused of internalised misogyny, victim blaming and being supportive of abusive men. I’ve been berated because I suggested OP gets a a part time job…

I've never done an online shop. Does it give a sub total as you shop if it does wouldn't that be a better way to shop.

When I was young and poor Id make a shopping list, take that and a calculator to the shops and tally up as I went along. That way I stayed within budget. My family allowance was saved for ten weeks at the post office. That was for children's shoes etc.

I was still wearing maternity clothes when the youngest was two years old.

Once I got an evening job things relaxed a bit financially.

It was lamb/steak for me I've unfortunately always preferred waitrose but it's so expensive! I don't drive you see so it's a really big inconvenience to get to aldi/,lidl for me. I still go to aldi to get 5+ bags of seasoning/stuffing/jars and sauces etc etc and it saves me massive amounts of money especially milk alternatives.

Yeah online shopping adds it up as you go and a lot of places Tesco/sainsburys/asda I think some Morrisons even do scan and shop as you go around.

I don’t think you can do less than a £150 per week shop if you have to feed a family of 4, 2 of which are small growing children and you want to give them all 5 portions of fruit and veg per day and buy nappies

So that alone is basically the £500 + CB obliterated then there is the petrol. Even only 2 fill ups per month, that is another £120

That is nearly £800 before we get started on children’s clothes. 4 year old might be in school in September so that is another expense

My advice to you is to call a woman’s shelter, he’s abusing you financially. Get out as soon as you can. They can give you the best advice for UC nd other benefits and you can even stay in the shelter for a bit. They might be able to help you get free legal advice. Best of luck Xx

@Yalta
But op has only done 3 weeks with a food shop already done she's spent @ £230 a week.