Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

I've not even spent £100 doing food for a children's party lol 😅

I feed 3 adults (2 males) and don't spend close to £100 per week. Granted nappies do add a cost but other than that I can't see why £100 would only cover a weekend.

@VeterinaryCareAssistant "She doesn't work, she's a sahm"

What is wrong with you?

I've 2 sons to feed also I save alot of money by cooking from scratch. I buy from both waitrose and aldi I do also pick up alot in the reduced section I'd rather be economical with food so we have a lil fun money.

Anyone who thinks it’s normal or a reasonable expenditure for £100 or 5% of the entire family’s income for the month to go on 2 days worth of food is nuts!

I just can't see how it was possible unless it was a lobster platter with prawns and wine lol 😅

Indeed, except maybe on a special occasion.

Nappies don’t even add that much these days. I use Ocado brand during the day and pampers baby dry at night and it comes to less than £4 a week.

Even if I used only pampers they are always on offer for £18-£20 for 200odd nappies which should comfortably last the month.

We used reusable nappies, which definitely saved money, but bought disposables for holidays etc - own brands were as good as Pampers etc tbh.

I mean I can see how it’s possible for sure. It’s always possible to spend more?
It’s not that hard to fritter money away without realising, kids cereal for the 4 year old, yoghurts, beer, desserts, snacks, convenience food etc
If I didn’t pay any attention to cost and just picked up exactly what I fancied every time I could easily spend £200 on a weekly shop adding loads of nice bits. That’s might be fine on a 90k plus family income but not £2k a month to support an entire family.

Really shocked by this thread and 90% of responses.

MN is usually so quick to call out men who behave like dicks yet here that's not the case.

Instead of picking apart the 'budgeting' shouldn't some of you be looking at the H's behaviour?

What's been spent is not the point.

OP may have been profligate. We don't know for sure.

BUT what he's done is wrong.

As a married couple, one (the earner, here it's the man) doesn't cut up the card that the spouse uses to access money for the family budget.

They don't have hissy fits and threaten to divorce (but don't actually do it.)

They don't berate their spouse for wasting money then buy a silly ring for £70 and say there is no money left.

You don't prevent your wife from working when she wanted to - only if you want to control her and not allow her any independence.

You don't insist she stays at home till the children start school
And then suggest she has a 3rd child (to prolong the SAHM scenario.)

There MAY be a long and complex history of her not earning, being careless with money, which she isn't owning up to here.

BUT a mature couple who are married need to sit down and discuss money in a proper way.

Not this ridiculous behaviour of cutting up the card he gave her and flouncing off.

How can you all ignore this and start talking about the cost of parties or food or whatever in unbelievable.

Men who join the Forces are known to often have MH issues, control issues, bad parenting models themselves. Not all, but a lot.
He seems to be demonstrating those.

So much for supporting women .

I recycle, I try to be careful of food waste, I use reusable cups etc but I drew the line at doing anything with 💩 other than throwing it straight in the bin 😂
Never going to be worth the cost saving for me!

Yes that's what I mean the unawareness is what I can't imagine! No matter how much money I had in my purse it's £30 meat etc etc full awareness

Yes home made pizza can easily cost £20 so cheaper than take away but still more than another homemade meal so its not often.

Same as hosting bbq for even an extra 6 people to our five can easily take us over £100 in a day. So we do it a couple of times a year max. Because money only goes so far.

But I have supported her with good information so she can make a choice. I said I think she should work for a living and gave her some advice about jobs she can do from home. I work in the Tech industry and have helped women get contract Marketing and IT work that they were able to do on a PT basis whilst their children were at nursery/school. One was in an abusive relationship and the money she earned helped her leave. That is lifting women up. I’m in a male dominated industry. I’ve encountered sexism throughout my career and of course I’ve been a victim of the patriarchy. All woman have. I suppose I think you then make a choice: do I fight back against the oppression or just resign myself to it and allow men to suppress me further? I chose the former and my suggestion to the OP is that she tries to do the same. First step, earn your own money.

I can show empathy but I’m not going to pussyfoot around, tell OP it’s all ok that she’s living a life of penury and her decision to be SAHM while her DH earns relatively little and she has no money of her own is a good look. Sorry if you think I’m letting the sisterhood down or some shit if I choose not to validate what I think is a bad decision. Your idea of help is to tell her to ‘ignore the BS’. Nothing else? Ok😂

We used liners on the nappies - disposable ones at bf-ing stage (whole liner bagged) and washable at the weaned stage (poo just dropped direct from liner into toilet, then liner washed with nappy). TBH I dealt with worse in a previous job so it wasn't too bad. I get that it's not for everyone though. 🤪

It depends on what you spend it on.

Has anyone got any recipes for the op to help her save more money so she can appease her bully husband.

I like following Negella Lawson and I watch all her recipes. She is my go to for cheap easy to make recipes.

They can afford it .
he is choosing to take away from his kids his wife has no life or treats or any form of spending on herself
but he has rings, Amazon, fill. Pub/nights out whatever he chooses .

what is wrong with people this thread has really got it me.

Totaly agree .

OP situation won’t change as the advice is so conflicting. .

Her husband is up to something .
Or just upped his level of control . Why?

This.

This thread is full of internalised misogyny and virtue signalling.

If her husband wasn’t a controlling arsehole he would have sat OP down and said, I think you are spending a bit too much, how about we sit down and work out a budget together and get a joint account that money goes in etc etc and if she went £10 over and needed to buy nappies he wouldn’t refuse. This and the threatening to divorce every argument are abusive tactics. Hopefully he’s just throwing his toys out the pram but it could be more serious.

Good luck OP, I hope it’s the former.

This is nonsense though.
The OP herself has said she has spent whenever and whatever she wanted every month for the last 8 years.
The DH spent £70 last month and £60 this month on discretionary/ personal spending.

Over £900 was spent on groceries, food, petrol, kids clothes and days out in 3 weeks.
That would have been more than enough for OP to buy whatever she wanted for £60 too and it wouldn’t even have been a dent in the household spending.

I don’t think a single person has said or believes the DH should have personal money and OP shouldn’t. But this idea that OP is penniless and left to feed her kids gruel every day is crazy.
There should easily have been the same money for OP as the DH.
The problem is it can’t always be everything. It can’t be exactly what you want want on the food shop, and lazy unplanned top ups several times a week, and paid activities most of the week “because it’s summer” and new kids clothes etc. Sometimes people on a limited income can’t just have every single
thing at one time, sometimes one or two budget items need to be cut back.
The DH suggested cutting back on days out with the kids and going to the park for the next week and a half and OP said that wasn’t possible, but sometimes that’s just the reality of what is affordable.

On a budget you can't go wrong with whole chickens xl with 4 people with versatile vegetables like spring greens, carrots broccoli the next day you can turn the remaining chicken/veg into a egg fried rice/chicken with some seasoning. Same with beef you can divide that into a roast and a stew. Pitta breads with salad again with seasoned chicken breast then a curry with remaining chicken breast. Versatile vegetables with filling ingredients like couscous. Snacks oranges/bananas. Mince meat, shepherd's pies, 🍝 pasta etc etc but on the whole an large chicken is excellent for budgets.

You have to marinade chicken or there's no point in eating it. With a whizzer you blend up onions, quarter inch piece of ginger, table spoon of Worcester sauce, table spoon ketchup, table spoon of honey, salt and pepper, a squeeze of lemon, olive oil, coriander and parsley then whiz to a paste and then you can either cut up the chicken or leave it as a whole and marinade with the paste. Leave over night to marinade in the fridge and then cook the next day.

You can mix up the flavours with mild chilli if you want to add a bit of heat to the marinade.

Make sure you wash your chicken as well but I normally wash it and take off the skin.